First time poster but could do with some input from others to try and get on top of my whirring brain
Been with my partner for 12 years. We started infertility treatment 5 years ago (I was then 41 with PCOS). Later than I wanted because I wouldnt start til he stopped smoking cannabis (daily) and cut back his drinking. Eventually he did both (not very graciously). Did everything upto IVF, resulted in 1 x miscarriage. Then stopped and decided to adopt. Got 1 year into the process then partner decided he didnt want to go ahead and took us off the adoption list (without really discussing with me). Very difficult time. He was the one that originally wanted kids - I wanted a family and always wanted to adopt, but went ahead with TTC because that's what he wanted. He didnt make no effort, but mainly it was me organising, consulting and sorting out all the treatment. I was resentful he wasnt more involved and we had a few difficult times about this.
When treatment didnt work and we looked into adoption, he definitely was less keen but initially he signed up, did the training, seemed enthusiastic etc. I really felt like we were on the same page. We had a long wait to progress as this was during covid, and he got cold feet. However he didnt talk about it with me, just acted more and more like a teenager - started smoking again (and lying to my face when I asked him about this), staying up late, drinking more, generally being an , then eventually when our relationship hit a low point he said he didnt think we were in the right place to adopt and pulled out. We weren't in the right place, but the way he went about this really made me feel betrayed and angry and I really lost trust in him.
After about 6 months (I was too upset to even really speak with him) we started relationship counselling which has focused around his inability to communicate about his feelings (a theme throughout our relationship) and then just explode dramatically, always seeing himself as the victim, and never taking ownership of his behaviour. In parallel I decided (at 45) that my last chance for child was to use a donor egg, and I asked him if he wanted to go ahead, thinking if he said no I would go ahead using a donor anyway. He wanted to go ahead, and accepted that he would need to cut his alcohol intake down and not smoke. And we seemed on a much better footing with counselling, although we stopped prematurely and although I suggested we restarted as thoguht our communication still needed work, he was reluctant.
First FET was unsuccessful and Im now in TTW for second FET. We had an argument a couple weeks back when I told him I was worried he had increased his drinking again (post sperm sample), esp as he has a stomach ulcer. He blew up and said he was sick of being told what to do. Then 5 days ago I commented that he smelt of smoke and he looked sheepish and said that he had got some weed a few days ago. I feel sick about the lies and his lack of consideration for me and the impact this has on creating future embryos. I havent slept since he told me as I'm so stressed and I cant believe this wont impact the FET success. He is pretending nothing has happened and that he cant understand what the problem is.
So I find out tomorrow if Im pregnant. If not, then our package with the fertility group is for 2 sets of donor eggs (we get a 50% refund if unsuccessful, but only if we complete both rounds). I just dont know whether to a) walk away form him and use a sperm donor (and even if the company will allow this) and be a single parent. b) continue with him for the next round, and delay decision about whether to stay or go based on whether I get pregnant.
This makes me sound cold and calculating - I'm not - I just feel like I need ot get into self protection mode and not allow him to dictate the shape of the rest of my life based around his relationship with alcohol and drugs. He is not a horrible person, I don't hate him; he pulls his weight as a flatmate, just not as an emotional partner. I think he would be a good dad. He is not a raging alcoholic - but he has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and a peter pan complex.
What would you do?