When to accept IVF is needed and bite the bullet?

[somedayxx]

Hi all x

I’m not sure there is an easy answer to this one as it is so personal to each individual, but just looking for some advice/support from people that are going/have been through this.

Back story… my partners semen analysis are low across the board, was hoping for a miracle post double varicocele embolisation but his numbers haven’t got better 3 months later. My tests have come back normal apart from low SHBG, I do confirm ov with bbt etc.

How can I accept that we need IVF? I’m finding it really difficult to bite the bullet? I don’t want to just keep thinking “what if” and “let’s just keep trying” when I know statistically even if my partners numbers do increase over time following the embolisation; they will always be low. I don’t know how to accept the reality without at the back of my mind thinking “could it happen without assistance if we kept trying” but I just don’t want to waste time, it feels like such a massive decision. I need some hard truths! For context I am 32 and my partner is 38.

Ahh!

Thanks for reading x

I was in your boat. IVF was nowhere near as hard as the endless months of trying and never getting a BFP. I don’t know how long you’ve been trying but for us it was 3.5 years. I didn’t want to do IVF either. I didn’t like the clinical nature of it. I wanted the conception to feel ‘normal’. I cried A LOT about how this wasn’t the way I wanted it. The first time we did IVF I had a miscarriage. I guess I realised then it was just a helping hand to nature. It wasn’t this magical thing. And I wanted any help we could get. The second time it worked. We went through 29 eggs over the two cycles. And only one egg and sperm got together to give us our embryo. That would have meant 2.5 years of heartache trying naturally. That was enough of a wake-up call to make me realise it was definitely the right thing to do. We were about done with naturally trying. There were times when DH would wank and just come into the bedroom to TRY to ‘impregnate’ me during the end of trying naturally. I don’t know what your sex life is like but ours was turning to shit and I couldn’t deal with another two or three years of it. I think we would have just given up.

I guess those are some hard truths! I’m not sure if any of them resonate, or are similar to what you’re going through. But I really hope it helps x

Thanks so much for responding, that is so helpful!! Absolutely agree re the sex! We have only been trying just over a year which I know is short but as we know we have male factor issues - I don't want to be sat here writing the same post in 5 years because I was hoping for something that was really unlikely but I saw the odd post on Facebook every so often that gave me hope so we just thought we'd carry on trying naturally, do you know what I mean?! It's so hard to say now is the time!!! Everything you've said I TOTALLY resonate with. I'm a massive overthinker! I was watching a video on YouTube where the woman was saying I will be sharing our ivf journey with our child as soon as they are old enough to understand and then I went down another overthinking binge around the big emphasis she put on this particular point - I can't describe it, just made me feel a certain way 😳 x

I do understand what you’re saying, I’m an over thinker too. Over time I felt it’s not really a big deal conceiving through IVF. It’s the same process, just happens outside. In our case, after the miscarriage we PGTA tested the embryo and froze it. It needs to be frozen as results won’t come back in time for a fresh transfer. Testing it actually gave me a lot of comfort as it meant not having to worry about the harmony test that is done at 10-12 weeks of pregnancy. We already knew the embryo was normal. We knew it before implantation even which is kind of awesome. There are real benefits to IVF that you don’t think about till you do it. I’ve seen baby gros that say ‘made with love and a little bit of science’ and I do really like that. We haven’t told everyone our story as there are a lot of thick people out there but when our child gets to an adult age we will tell them. And I think they’ll be fascinated by it along with the little embryo picture we have of them. It was a 4BB when frozen but became a 5BB when thawed. Which simply means the embryo expanded straight away. It’s beautiful to see that on the photo.

This may all sound complicated, but basically you get an insight into the process of conception that you’d never get otherwise. You get to see your em-baby when it’s just a few cells. It’s actually pretty incredible to see that and very special. Then everything else continues the same so really it’s a very small part of the picture.

I think a lot more consideration would need to be taken into how to communicate to a child they were conceived with donor eggs or sperm or embryo donation. Because these are more questions of identity. But for standard IVF it’s not really anything more than an incredible helping hand to nature.

@somedayxx this is exactly how I was. I hoped beyond hope every month that this would be it but it never was. In the end I was faced with a low AMH result and I knew I had to get started. The hardest thing was picking the phone up to book that initial appointment but after I did that it all felt a bit easier and like I had a plan and was being proactive. I am beyond lucky that my IVF was successful however it did take a bit of time and as a result the odds of any further treatment working is pretty much zero so won't be able to have another child. In hindsight I wish I hadn't waited.

@somedayxx I am similar in that we have MFI and a severe varicocele. In our case the embolization didn't work as the surgeon couldn't get the vein, happens to 10% of men apparently. Because the 8 months trying prior to varicocele diagnosis had been so hard, with the constant lifestyle changes, cutting things out, avoiding excersise during the two week wait just in case, and getting hopes up only to be disappointed, we went for ICSI.

I have to agree with a PP, IVF is nowhere near as bad as the months of trying and getting nowhere. To feel like you have some control back and be actively doing something felt great, even if it was a bizarre experience to be sitting in that waiting room for the first time! It's a bit of a 'is this my life??' moment.

We were lucky and got 6 blastocysts from 7 eggs, which showed us that our genetics clearly work together, but that the sperm was clearly never reaching the egg in naturally TTC. Got pregnant on 2nd transfer and am now 16 weeks today :)

If you go via NHS its worth noting the wait times can be long so it's always worth pursuing that route and keep toying naturally in the mean time, good luck with it all :)