Unsure what to do with remaining frozen embryos

[FrancesDo]

Help, I'm really confused and wracked with guilt over what to do with our two remaining frozen embryos and wondered if anyone has been in this position and could offer advice.
I had my daughter via donor egg IVF in 2021, I also have a naturally conceived 5 year old son and feel my family is complete. However, we have two frozen embryos and the time has come to pay for another year's storage and I feel like I have to make a decision about how to proceed with them as I feel they are always at the back of my mind. I can't donate them to science or another couple as they are from donor material, my options are to donate them to my clinic for embryologists to use in training, let them perish or transfer them.

My husband sees them as a collection of cells, I can't help but see them as children and I imagine my daughter's face when I think of them. If the clinic had selected another embryo in 2021, it would be her life that would be frozen at the moment and so I wonder about the lives that are currently in limbo.
My husband's point is that we started our IVF journey for 1 baby, not 3 and I understand his view. Also, childcare would be really difficult if we had two children under 2, but I would need to work to cover the costs of another baby. I'm also 45 and didn't imagine starting this journey again at this age. Terrified I let them go and I suffer guilt and grief for years to come but don't want to bring another life into this world due to feelings of fear and guilt. Our family works perfectly as a four, but in years to come will I wonder about what could have been? My head is in a spin, the clinics don't prepare you for these complicated feelings at the other side of your journey to your baby. Any words of advice or experience would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks.

Hi I'm currently pregnant with my first child after ivf so have another year or so before I have to decide but I've been having the same guilt as you. I think for me I feel bad because we were told they were going to transfer one embryo but on the day they said they'd changed their minds and transferred this one instead. I'm obviously overjoyed this one has worked so far but can't stop thinking about the other that almost had a chance too. We've always planned on just having the 1 child even before ivf and although I'd be open to 2 in practise its not feasible for us.

My husband said to me that you don't know if the other embryos would have even worked at all but I still can't help but think of them all as my potential babies. I think we're going to donate our embryos to the clinic for practise. We would have loved to be able to donate them to other couples but as I'm 38 I'm too old. I feel bad about them being used for experiments but the way I see it our baby wouldn't exist without the work of the embryologists and they would have had to practise on donations from other kind people before us so I feel its only right to pay it forward. I can't imagine just binning them, it would feel like such a waste.

I'm having a similar dilemma over my remaining embryos. My DC are 3&4, from the same egg collection, and we still have some embryos frozen. It's one in particular that I keep thinking about as when we transferred DC2 they said there were two identically graded to the one that turned out to be DC1, so between those 3 embryos if the other one had been used one of my children would still be a few cells in a freezer. I'd also quite like a 3rd but DH is happy to stop at 2. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I'm having the same worries.

Also in the same situation. We got 4 embryos from our IVF cycle and the first transfer resulted in DS. We said we were done with one but the remaining embryos were always at the back of my mind. We conceived a surprise second naturally so the option to use them is completely off the table as we definitely don’t want more than two. I turn 40 this year too.

We had 5 years storage included in the price so we have another 18 months but I can’t see the point in paying to extend this. Donating to another couple isn’t allowed in the country we live in and I think I would struggle with that anyway. DH is very non emotional and is fine for them to research/science. I guess ideally I would like to bring them home and plant something. The logical part of my mind says that they are just a bunch of cells but I also think about if they had chosen another one.

I just want to add that I know we are in a privileged situation too have this decision to make. Infertility truly sucks and, although we went through it, we are so grateful everyday that our journey was relatively straightforward.

Thank you for your responses @Betsyboo87 @Kelvie103 @MistyQuigley It's comforting to know that I'm not alone wrestling these feelings and thoughts, appreciate you all sharing yours. I've booked another counselling session in the hope that talking through my dilemma with a professional in this field may give me some clarity and allow me to come to some sort of resolution and acceptance. Like you said @Betsyboo87 we are so lucky to have had successful IVF treatments that gave us our children and I appreciate it every day. Good luck in your next steps and I hope you all find peace in your future decisions.

Im currently pregnant from IVF and we have one frozen untested 6 day 5CC. I’m in two minds whether to test it and go from there if it’s normal (a few years down the line).

Like you OP, we have one child conceived naturally and our second is through IVF. I feel our family is complete. I guess part of me just feels like this embryo deserves a chance…

What puts me off more than anything is the anxiety and pain of going through it all again, seeing if the embryo survives thaw, the waiting for PGTA results, the tww, viability scans. If I could fast forward to when baby is in my arms maybe I’d toss the coin and see if it works out but I think I’m emotionally and mentally done.

@FrancesDo there is a brilliant episode on Big Fat Negative Podcast where they discuss and explore this tough decision. X

Hi @salzburginthesnow thanks for joining the conversation. I understand your worries completely. I feel if I decide to go for it again with either of our frozen embryos I’d be holding my breath for 9 months.

In my counselling session last year the therapist said I had a very simple, straightforward vision of how another pregnancy and delivery would go and that I should consider the increased risk of miscarriage and still birth and question if I’m willing to risk the pain and loss of that scenario, over the pain and loss of letting my frozen embryos go. There’s so much at risk.

My problem is that I think along those lines and feel at ease with the decision that my family is complete and blessed that I haven’t experienced loss in either of those ways. Then I instantly visualise my family of 4 becoming a family of 5 with the addition of an adorable child, who is the image of my daughter, sitting around the dinner table, laughing with their siblings and I instantly go into panic mode that I’m stopping a human being from existing. Someone who is meant to be here. I’m finding these conflicting thoughts overwhelming, it’s like life or death, with all the pressure on me to make the call. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. When I’ve been frantically searching the internet these past few weeks for some sort of answer, it turns out there are many people in our position.

Congratulations on your current pregnancy, enjoy every second connecting with your baby. I’m sure you’ll find clarity in the future regarding your last embryo and how to proceed. Whatever you decide to do, will be the right decision for you and your family.

Thank you @FlyOnTheWall89 I’ll check that out today. Every perspective is helpful to consider. 👍