After +3 years trying

[Shyquiet]

First post.

Trying +3 years now (both late twenties, no children). Tonight two friends published ‘new baby’ for year 2023 today via sm, just feeling so low. One of them had their first baby in last June - know should be happy for them and we are, but just want to cry now.

Started in Dec 19. GP referral during Oct 21 (moved another part of the county/new GP so had to wait longer than wanted for the referral).
Checks with the fertility clinic on March 22, nothing found wrong expect husband sperm has a slight lower concentration, but nothing major and consultant said almost normal - waiting funding for IVF.

Our families are aware, decided not to tell friends luckily, as know 4 other couples started trying same time, all of them have had babies now.

Our family was supportive for start. Last weekend during Xmas meal sil told us that we have been naive/stupid to wait for NHS and use private. My mil told her to shut up, but I ended up crying in the bed that night anyway.

We are both feeling very low at the moment. So hopeful last month, was first time late (6 days) but tested negative, and period started on the following day.

It feels we have kept our lives on hold, not booked any holidays and saved £500 each month for the baby - at least maternity leave fully funded now if nothing else achieved in past years. Have been staying in my current role which I have no passion for, only staying as no work related stress and good maternity leave package.

Anybody else been trying for +3 years? No previous children on either side. Our consultant could only advise to try IVF / waiting funding now.

We wanted to wait NHS as we are in our twenties, and if NHS would not work then use the saved money for private IVF.

And just to add - both sporty, BMI normal, no health issues at all 😔 Even started eating meat two years ago, after being vegetarian on my early twenties.

Hi,

I know how you feel. We are early thirties and coming up to 3 years TTC. We have male factor infertility meaning IVF is our only option. We have had a fresh and frozen cycle so far, both unsuccessful and are about to start another frozen cycle.

Lots of friends are starting to have children. Very happy for them but it's still difficult. Especially when they are announcing a second pregnancy while we are still trying for our first.

I also feel like life is on hold atm- saving up for IVF, not planning too far ahead or booking anything incase we doing IVF/pregnant.

Thank you @ivf. Yes, our consultant was thinking it’s the slightly lower concentration, therefore IVF referral (still waiting them to put together application for ICBs).

Hope your next cycle will be successful! If you don’t mind, are you doing private or NHS?

’Life on hold’ just summaries the past 3 years. Not been processing in my career (ok changed jobs due the move, but similar pay on private sector, but new company has better maternity package). We haven’t been booking holidays for years. Avoided drinking in the first year, but got so sick of people asking ‘oh are you expecting’ questions. Now when going out just having one or two, just to avoid those questions.

Very happy for all our friends who got pregnant past year, but.. it’s hard. One of our friends was moaning about ‘infertility’ after three months of trying their second baby, she got pregnant first try on their first, and just announced their 2nd pregnancy today… including message how she understands how hard it’s for ‘trying’. Dont know can I face her.

3+ years here too, male factor and endo. I feel the exact same, it's hard and no one truly understands unless they're in it.

I am the only one left in our family without children. And have more nieces and nephews than I can count on both hands.

I saw someone posting today about how hard being a first time mum is, and I almost commented saying 'Imagine how hard it is longing to be a mum' - everything cuts a little deeper when you're in the dark place of ifs and maybes and all you have is hope.

I don't know what to say to make you feel better, but know you're not alone.

We have kept our journey private now, as the family comments have upset me too many times and I hate the pity. So we've asked them not to ask or comment, which I feel has helped. As long as you have trusted support from a friend or someone in your family. I just felt all the SIL, MIL etc etc don't need to know.

Hope you're ok. Xxxx

@Shyquiet we are NHS at the moment. The waiting has been difficult (although we have been lucky that there aren't huge waiting lists in our area). However I'm glad we did go with NHS- we would have run out of savings by now if we'd gone private and still wouldn't be pregnant. Ignore your sil's comment!

I have also found other people's comments difficult. People are trying to be helpful and supportive but they just don't understand - I've had a lot of 'why don't you adopt' 'stop trying and you'll fall pregnant'. Drives me mad!

where are you on the nhs wait? I was at the much older age of the spectrum than you so rushed to do private. I would say that it might be worth doing a fertility health check at least to see if anything obvious flags up and to understand your current fertility ( hopefully both good as you’re young)
Also, if you haven’t already, you can do basic checks for any common issues with a full blood count from the GP, checking things like iron, vitamin d, thyroid etc just to rule out any issues out there.
Although you are waiting for the nhs there are proactive things that can be done to just check what timescale you have potentially and to rule out things that could be fixed with medication.
I’m sorry you’re SIL was so insensitive, I found I had to withdraw from a lot of people due to continually feeling hurt when I was already reeling from failures and losses.

Sorry I now see you have seen a consultant so may have explored these basic things already?

Apologies for a late replies.
Tested first time positive in end of Feb, but just experiencing miscarriage (waiting in E&A that can be discharged back home). Feel so bitter, called our fertility clinic last week and they probably removed us from their list already (they hadn’t even put the funding letter still together). Just want to cry now, feeling so stupid - we told our parents yesterday and just feeling such a failure now 😢

Hey @Shyquiet , I just read through your posts from ages ago. We have been ttc three years, also waited for nhs funding (ended up being two years of waiting). Had our first ivf, failed. Immediately after had a spontaneous pregnancy. Just miscarried at 6 weeks last week. Found out the ivf clinic took us off the waiting list and we need to wait again. That news was harder to process than the grief of miscarriage. I hope so much that you've managed to fall pregnant again in this time. It's such a horrible journey, but the waiting is the most painful of all.