Tertiary infertility- IVF for a third baby after two natural pregnancies?

[Anonbaby]

Has anyone had IVF for a third baby after two previous natural conceptions? We have been trying for a third for two years with unexplained infertility and unsure whether to go for it or not. Would be grateful if anyone has had any personal experiences they could share as my head is all over the place atm. Thank you

OP, I just want to say, kindly, that this might not be the best place for you to post. An Infertility board is for those who are infertile and not only are the vast majority therefore people who may be upset and triggered by "infertility" being used when you already have two children, but also they are very unlikely to be able to help! As clearly people on here are not likely to have had 2 children already and be feeling they need to be on an infertility board..

Perhaps this should be moved to chat or some other board as you are more likely to get responses from people who are in your position - i.e. not infertile, but struggling to conceive a third child.

I’m sorry you had to read the above message. Infertility at any stage is extremely lonely and traumatic.

Our experience was secondary infertility, not tertiary, but I thought it still might be useful to reply. We were very hesitant to start IVF, but decided to go ahead after around 15 months of trying. It was honestly the best decision we made. We were under an amazing private clinic and it felt like such a relief for someone to be in charge of our journey.

One of the first questions our consultant asked was ‘what are your family goals?’ I think this is a really important question. If you see yourself with three children, then like us you may want to crack on with IVF if age is an issue.

We were extremely fortunate that IVF worked for us, but we went into the process knowing it wasn’t a sure thing. It’s extremely gruelling, you live your life on a knife edge and you have to give so much of yourself to it. But it was so worth it. And I’d do it all over again to escape those lonely months of trying. I only wish we started it quicker.

Do reach out if you need any more information x

@ForestThrills thank you so so much for your kind reply. I’ve been really struggling over the past week or so. I feel Christmas has really brought it to a head and I’ve just been on the verge of tears constantly.

im so scared of IVF. The risks, financially, physically and emotionally and I feel so guilty towards my two amazing children but i’m also scared I can’t get over it or won’t get over it and it’ll be too late. It’s such a difficult choice isn’t it x

Could it be worth having an initial consultation at a clinic? This might help you make your decision.

We were so scared at the beginning to even start the conversation of IVF, but once we saw our consultant it just seemed like the right thing to do and the path that would most likely lead to another baby.

I empathise with your guilt. I felt like I wasn’t 100% there for my daughter during IVF, but she did have the additional support of our family and friends. I tried to keep in mind that I was doing it for our family and overall she’d benefit from us doing it.

@ForestThrills And what about all the women on here who have no children who have had to read Op's post wishing for a 3rd child on an infertility forum!? That was incredibly triggering and upsetting to me as a woman who has zero children, fertility issues and had a miscarriage last month.

Regardless of that, my point still stands. I suspect that the majority of women on this board cannot speak from experience of having 2 children and giving advice for a 3rd via IVF. Women who have 3 children are likely not frequenting the infertility board on mumsnet but are likely on all the more popular boards so it would likely get more replies/ help on a different board

@Rosiestraws sorry to hear your background but secondary infertility is also a real issue for many women. I agree, we are in a different boat but it is still a heartbreaking experience and people are looking for support.

People don’t have to read my post, it clearly states that this isn’t primary infertility in the title but I am still allowed a voice. There are lots of women on the infertility boards experiencing secondary infertility. Most people on the conception boards haven’t been trying for two years and are at the IVF stage. I’m not not infertile because I have two children. I wasn’t infertile. But I am now. I have been trying for a baby for two years without success. I fit the criteria for secondary infertility

@Rosiestraws i’m by no means saying my situation is worse than yours. It’s different. I have come to ask for help from people who may have had a similar experience because I am struggling

I’m extremely sorry to hear of your struggle and for your recent loss. I’ve been there several times and it’s heartbreaking.

As women undergoing infertility, we’re all going through enough, we don’t need further battles to fight. Let’s give everyone a chance to ask questions, be heard and respected.

@Anonbaby

I would think carefully about IVF

I used IVF for secondary infertility - to give my eldest a sibling

How old are you? Over 43 with 2 children already your odds of it working are no better than trying naturally so honestly....I wouldn't even entertain the idea

Under 43 (well under 40 really) it's a personal decision if you don't feel "done" but I would offer these words of caution and say I still feel immensely guilty (and resentful) for the time, focus and energy IVF took away from my eldest. Time I'll never get back. IVF is incredibly stressful financially emotionally hormonally physically not to mention the pressure of it working or not and it's highly additive, you tell yourself the next cycle will be the one that works all the time handing over more and more money. She missed out on so much, holidays, life revolved around when the next cycle was starting or ending or if I might be pregnant or recovering from yet another loss. For what it cost we could have moved to a bigger house....her lifestyle would have been totally different? In the end I did have success and had twins....having 3 kids is totally different to 2 so there is that too (I know lots of women who had twins from a single embryo transfer!)

Also and here's the killer.....albeit I imagine fairly rare.....my husband left us within a year of the twins being born. Turned out he couldn't get past how they were conceived (they are biologically his by the way) and he felt differently towards them than our eldest. So IVF also cost me my marriage, my husband and my future and that of my children as I thought I saw it.

I wouldn't go back in a million years and trade the twins to have him back but IVF changed us all - him, me and my children

Hi @isthistheendtakeabreath thank you so much for your reply. I am 35 😊.

Yes I can totally understand all of your points. This is why I just don’t know what to do. The longing for a third baby is taking so much away as well though. But I do worry about IVF and the fact that it’s happened before makes me worry that it isn’t meant to be. I just don’t know. I want to move on and forget and be happy with what I have but it’s so hard to get it out of your head when you’ve had your heart set on it xx

@Anonbaby

I'd perhaps book a fertility MOT to check both you and your partners fertility to establish if there is anything that comes up? you aren't entitled to any treatment on the NHS so I'd just pay privately - you can get them for about £150
If no issues are found then invest in OPKs and supplements - then decide whether you really want to drop £10k on IVF although if you are under 36 and meet the criteria you can get "cheap" IVF via ABC for about £3.5k - set a limit / either max cost you want to spend or how long you want to do IVF for - I did 5 rounds in around 18 months - would have been quicker if not for covid. There are mild forms of IVF you can do where the whole process is over in less than 2 weeks and a lot less drugs

Um secondary infertility is a thing and this is basically secondary infertility. Im so sorry this has triggered you but please don’t reply if this isn’t for you. I’m so so sorry for you loss.

@Rosiestraws I am so sorry for your situation but please don't dismiss those struggling with secondary infertility in such an unkind manner. It's is a real thing and whilst a different struggle compared to those experiencing primary infertility, should not be judged as less relevant or worthy of a post. I am lucky to have a 16 month old from a round of IVF. Around me all my friends are onto their second babies, carefree with no real effort and many joking about accidents. We are highly unlikely to conceive naturally again and so far have not had any success. The old feels of jealousy, frustration, anger, bitterness have quickly resurfaced and that desperate lot going for a sibling for our daughter is always there. We all have our visions of what our family will look like. It is devastating when you can't have it, whether that be 1,2,3, however many children.

OP at 35 you are still a good age to have success with IVF. Assuming you have the finances I would get yourself booked in for fertility testing privately. I wouldn't waste time with the NHS tests personally - what they will do for you will be very limited with 2 children already. It's worth looking at clinics you would be happy to go ahead and have treatment with so that you can mov quickly/easily into any treatment you need. Good luck!

@BiscuitLover3678 @MGee123 I haven't commented on this thread for 4 days as I'd accepted @ForestThrills And @Anonbaby perspectives so I'm not sure why you felt the need to pile on.

Nevertheless I can guarantee you that there will be many other women on this board who have felt upset and triggered by this thread, struggling with [primary] infertility. My main point was simply that this thread would get more comments and possible help from another area on MN (and in doing so would avoid those suffering with [primary] infertility from being triggered! As everyone who has commented has shown? Op wanted comments/ advice from those who had 2 children and THEN went to IVF for a third. Unless I'm missing something, everyone who has commented had 1 child before struggling to conceive the next. Not 2 children struggling to conceive a 3rd 🤷🏼‍♀️

I will try very hard to ignore this thread now and not comment any more. Clearly if OP is happy with the help she is receiving on here then there is no need to post on a different board where one might get more comments from those in her position

It's an infertility board, it's exactly the right place to post and your initial reply could do serious damage to someone vulnerable. Your comment affected me because it was diminishing the emotions I feel relating to difficulties having another child, hence me replying. I suggest you try to be a bit more aware of others feelings future. Fertility treatment does tend to make you inherently selfish and self-obsessed (I certainly was when I was going through treatment), but you can just ignore posts you'd rather not read, instead of reply and be hurtful to others. The OPs title was pretty clear - just don't read the post. I hope 2023 is a better year for you and wish you luck in the future.

@Rosiestraws For what it's worth, I agree with you and I certainly don't think you deserve the pile on. Yes the OP was clear in her post about her situation but it's not one that most people on an infertility board can relate to. She hasn't done anything wrong but I think your points are valid and you expressed them in a kind and helpful way.

@Rosiestraws @Dragonlady3 thank you. I think everyone is in agreement now that we are all on our individual journeys which are difficult for different reasons depending on past experiences and situations

@MGee123 thanks for your kind words. We have had lots of tests both privately and through the NHS and we potentially have some sort of explanation although it’s not definitive. I am scared of IVF and of making a difficult situation worse by opening a whole new can of worms. I think I’m going to get some counselling to help me to come to a decision as I’m not coping well and struggling to reach a conclusion

@Anonbaby Hi, how are you getting on? We are going for a third and I would have expected to be pregnant by now already as it has always taken just a couple of months for us. Haven’t expected to encounter any difficulties and not dealing with it very well.

Have you reached a conclusion for yourself? x

@Anonbaby and @N8B I know its been a while but I wanted to see how you guys are doing? We've been trying for our third for six years in March. It's been so long since my children are now teenagers! We had a pregnancy scare, but it turned out I had cysts on my ovaries. At the time, I was 34. but we always wanted four kids and were in a good place, so we went for it to no avail for two years.

Doctors told us it was in our heads to keep trying; we already had two. It might just take longer, but they ran some tests on the NHS, confirmed male factor infertility and sought IVF with ICSI. COVID hit, and we didn't. We didn't have the money to proceed, and emotionally, I wasn't ready for IVF. I turned 41 last October, and nothing happened naturally, so we sought private tests this time. AMH, Ultrasound and Sperm test.

It turns out I now have a low ovarian reserve, and while my husband has a low count and some non-progressive factors, his wasn't that bad. He would need IVF; however, conventional IVF isn't an option with how low my reserve is. I'm still ovulating and having regular periods, but not much longer. So, I was a bit emotional to learn that our chances with a donor egg are slim. The clinic we used said we have normal adoption or egg donors, considering my age and reserve. He didn't think it was fair to offer IVF as it would probably give us false hope.

We are seeking a second opinion and hoping to proceed with mild IVF or natural IVF. It's such a minefield. I feel gutted that we have hit this roadblock, as I don't feel old. I am still processing what comes next. I never knew it was called Tertiary infertility.

I am wishing you all the support right now.