I’m so ashamed, potential failed transfer and my reaction

[NCXmas22]

Had a transfer last week, first bHCG was positive but low, second had increased but not doubled/is still under 100. I have another test tomorrow and then an appointment to figure out what next. Realistically (and I’m/DH are both medical (and in related jobs) so not able to ignore the evidence base) I know that the vast majority of pregnancies that start this way end in miscarriage or an ectopic.

I’m so ashamed but I’m desperate for the bHCG not to have risen/to have fallen. I know that means we’ll have likely lost the pregnancy but then at least we’ll know and life can go back to normal and I can try and have a normal Christmas and not have this constant anxiety. I can have a glass of bloody champagne with my friends and not worry about pessaries or medications or constant bloods/being on hold to the results line. Not worrying about seeing blood every time I go to the loo. I can break the bad news and it will be sad but the waiting ends until the next cycle.

I know I should be praying for an increase tomorrow but I know even if it has the stats for outcomes with this lower bHCG at this stage in the pregnancy are poor. I’m terrified that I’m going to have to undergo weeks waiting for the inevitable miscarriage. It’s torture. I’m dreading another unclear result and yet more bloods/scans (which due to clinic location mean we’ll struggle to get home to see family).

Also now I’m maybe pregnant I’m terrified. I’m going to be a terrible mum, I’m already basically wishing for a miscarriage. I’m selfish and like my life as it is. I guess I never really thought getting pregnant would happen and now it maybe has I’ve realised I’ve never given actually having a baby any thought as I just presumed we’d never get that far and the challenge would be adjusting to not having kids.

I just feel dreadful for wanting the consultant to tell me tomorrow that there’s no hope. Both out families have had recent bereavements so this Christmas was always going to be awful, I don’t want to make it worse for anyone. How can we have done all of this and I’m actively hoping for a miscarriage?!

Has anybody been in a similar situation and have any advice? I, just so scared and ashamed and tired.

Don’t feel ashamed. It’s hard enough to feel this pain, let alone shame. What you’re feeling is completely normal. When we got pregnant in our first cycle my initial HCG number was above 100 but it didn’t double, it was 900 about two weeks later. The whole process was exhausting and emotionally painful. I wished I just knew it hadn’t worked and it was over.

I think you are saying you are selfish and never really thought about the reality of having a baby because it’s worked out like this. I spent years telling everyone babies cry all the time and I don’t want one to protect myself. It’s okay to protect yourself right now. And it’s okay to feel whatever damn thing you feel. Honestly. There will be a range of emotions including despair and protection of your heart. All of it is normal.

Big big hugs. I was there last Christmas, I know how painful it is. You will get through it my love. x

Thank you so much for your kind words. It means a lot.