I knew it was going to be tough but I've found this so difficult. I feel physically and mentally exhausted.
The jabs aren't pleasant but once we got in a routine with them they were okay and almost a bonding experience in a weird way. My first scan they found fluid and thought it might have been a hydrosalpinx but luckily it was only present on the first scan.
I was really nervous about the egg collection but ended up falling asleep during it and aside from a bit achey the next day felt okay. Then came the wait to see how they were developing. It feels like there is always hurdle after hurdle. Are the scans okay, how many eggs did you collect, how many fertilised, how many made it to day 3, day 5.
I'd heard the TWW was difficult. I was totally unprepared mentally. Every twinge and cramp I wondered is it a good sign or a bad sign. Trying to be so careful not to lift anything heavy, to stay relaxed, not to stress. I thought, perhaps naively or because no-one told me, that I could forget about worrying about my period arriving for the two week wait and would only start worrying nearer to the test date.
6 days post transfer I go to the toilet and see pink on the toilet paper. Days 6-9 I had cramping but could only see just a little bit of brown when I wiped. I googled frantically my emotions swung constantly from hope that it was implantation bleed to despair that it hadn't worked. On the evening of day 9 it was red and enough to need to wear a pad. I burst into tears. The next day it wasn't so much but then came on heavier. Nothing like a period but enough to know there was no way it was implantation bleeding.
I had terrible cramps, my stomach was so bloated I couldn't fit into any of my clothes. In my heart I knew it had failed but I had to keep taking the pessaries until the test date.
The test came back negative. I didn't cry. I think I did all my crying before. I just felt sad. I felt drained. I couldn't face the thought of going through this all again. I was relieved to stop taking the medications, relieved to be able to do up my trousers again and not feel so horrific. But sad.
I don't know how people find the strength to do this over and over again. I've asked the clinic for counselling. I think for now part of me just wants to forget for a few months and decompress. I just didn't realise how hard and utterly traumatising the two week wait could be.
I think it has helped me just to write this down. I know DH wants to go again asap and I think from his perspective it is as many goes as it takes. For me I just don't think I can. I've always said one at a time and we review. I'm not sure mentally or physically I could put myself through this over and over again. I take my hat off to those of you who do.