A week ago today I found I was pregnant with my 2nd baby. On Monday I had a miscarriage, I'm completely heart broken, I know it's still fresh it's only been 3 days, I was about 4 weeks and 5 days pregnant when is happened. Im a massive over thinker and since I found out I was pregnant I have been planning every single detail in my head to prepare for baby number 2, how I'm gonna get both my children in the car, trying to figure out my working hours after maternity leave, booked private scam and everything else as you can imagine.
I have a 19 month old son, I feel so guilty every time I look at him that I'm currently not being the best mom I can be for him, I'm really trying but I also feel like im grieving for a baby I never had.
3 weeks ago a had a smear test before I knew I was pregnant, this is my 2nd in a year as last year it came back HPV positive, this time they have referred me to see a gynaecologist, I don't know much about HPV but after looking online it appears it can be the cause of early miscarriages and I feel but nothing but pure guilt that my body took my baby from me, I've got to wait 6 weeks now for treatment for hpv due the miscarriage, I'm really concerned about this hpv and if it is going to stop any future possibility of having another baby. I'm scared that this hpv could lead to something worse. I feel confused and lonely, I don't want to talk to any of my family or anyone I know, no one I know personally has ever experienced a miscarriage and don't know how to move forward, it's Christmas and I want to be excited for my boy but how can I when I'm filled with nothing but heartache and guilt, guilt that my body let me down and I guilt that I'm not being a good mom to my son.