IVF and SIL who finds it hard to relax

[GonnaGetGoingReturns]

This is a post about my SIL. She’s married to my DB. He’s 11 years older than her. He has a low sperm count but she’s 39 (40 next March). They’ve already had I think 2 or 3 rounds of IVF but first cycle was successful and they have a 4 year old DS.

Theg lost 2 years or more due to Covid, and they moved the other side of the country to where their hospital was based.

Their most recent cycle of IVF failed.

They’d like to try again for another cycle and the hospital are seeing them next week.

Thing is SIL is a workaholic, regularly works late nights at exerts and has work she gets up early to do or does late at night. Her DS is a bit clingy probably as he doesn’t see her a lot and often stays up until 9-10pm at night. She recently confided in me she doesn’t like him staying up so late (he likes to be read to or have someone in bed with him) but she’s done this for so long she doesn’t know how to change this. Me and my DM go over by ourselves or separately so they can go out sometimes or he comes to either of our houses sometimes so they can go out but as we both live on the other side of London to DB and SIL this doesn’t happen as often as we’d all like. If they stayed with us, SIL could get to work but it’s way too far for DNephew to get to school on time. They are looking to buy a house nearer us but this takes time to find and the right area etc.

SIL rarely gets time for herself apart from to wash and get dressed and put on makeup. She does relax when she’s on holiday or with her DS but that’s it. She did used to like doing Pilates. Does no exercise bar commuting walks now.

I feel it’ll be pointless of her undergoing another round of IVF if she doesn’t make time to relax, eg for a 15 minute Pilates YouTube session or read a book/watch TV for 30 minutes to an hour which I know for sure she definitely didn’t do on the last IVF cycle.

Does anyone have any ideas? Should I say something to her or keep my beak out? She desperately wants another child but I can just see failure.

I am trying to get her to come out with some mum NDN friends of mine where I live who she knows and gets on with as she’s taken and asked them for advice and had chats with them and their DC have played with DNephew. She also likes going out to restaurants and having gin and tonic etc.

Sorry this is so long! If there’s any other advice someone can give please let me know.

Success rates for IVF using own eggs at age 39 were only 19% in 2019.
Alcohol lessens the success rate of IVF further. I don’t see how 15 minutes of Pilates or 30 mins of reading a book will have an effect on the ivf tbh. She needs to drastically change her work life balance. You pointing out to her that, unless she relaxes, it’s pointless them doing IVF won’t go down well & she may end up beating herself up for the previous failures -if she isn’t already.

Then again, I did reflexology, acupuncture, gave up alcohol one month before, had no fertility issues myself (MF so ICSI) exercised, did yoga and was only between 30-36 years old when doing my ICSI/IVF cycles but still had 4 failures & 3 miscarriages. It’s lovely you are so concerned for her & the outcome but I don’t know how you could suggest changes to her time that she could implement, unless you suggest she take holiday time from work maybe starting a week prior to egg collection?

yourivfjourney.com/stress-does-it-affect-ivf-outcomes/

I was thinking of suggesting to her that she mentions to her work if she could skip the late night events for at least this IVF cycle then restart the work stuff after it (she probably won’t do this!) then it might help. Doesn’t help that DB is cutting back or down on work due to his health but he works in TV anyway.

I doubt she’d take holiday time from work, I could suggest this.

I think she is beating herself up a bit plus as I said due to covid they lost what 2 years or more of more fertile years.

Is there anything my DB could take for sperm quality?

I agree with you a drastic work life balance should happen with her but it’s unlikely to happen. I don’t want it to be me who says this to her and I’m sure she knows what’s she can and can’t do but last week when I stayed over she overslept twice, both her DS and her are knackered and she rarely gets and would love time away from him as she has no life and he is 4.5 now, not a baby or young child!

I did once see a tv program where the man increased sperm motility/quality by quitting alcohol, smoking, ditched the processed food and increased fruit & veg and home made fruit/veg smoothies packed with antioxidants and ate healthy food cooked from scratch. I remember being quite astounded that improved diet worked improving sperm, I think they tested before changes then I think 3 months later.

No clue how you get SIL to change. It’s sad that her DS is clingy because he doesn’t see her a lot though, and she clearly needs more down time, although neither of those things would improve with a new baby added to the family! It’s her DH that needs to say about improving work/home balance though I think. Maybe you could voice a few things to him and then leave it up to him.