Hey, I hear you. I feel the same.
You’ve described exactly how I feel… up and down… up and down… like waves on a never ending shoreline.
You think you’ve seen the storm, the lightening takes your breath away… streaks across the whole sky… the thunder rolls as close as it can get, shakes your whole body, the heavens open and you think… this is it, it’s going to pour.
But instead it just gets very dark and the thunder ebbs away, you can hear it rolling in the distance but it’s suddenly really far away and it’s stopped raining. The sun even peeks through the clouds and your left wondering what’s going on. Is this happening? Or isn’t it?
I’ll probably look back on this in a few months and think it was all so obvious is retrospect. And that I was being impatient… it was only a few weeks.
But right now, every day feels like a month!
I have a scan tomorrow at my clinic.
My gestational sac is measuring small, but it’s growing.
It’s like torture because on the one hand I know this is what happens with a blighted ovum- the sac and placenta grow but the foetus never develops. So there is no reassurance from the sac growing.
Yet on the other hand, there have been cases, albeit rare, where (even with IVF/ absolute definite dates etc) the baby hasn’t been picked up on transvaginal ultrasound until much later on… definitely past the 7/8 week mark, and they catch up and a healthy pregnancy evolves. WTF!?
And they are not allowed to diagnose blighted ovum unless the empty gestational sac has definitely stopped growing, or… if the empty sac is growing still then it needs to be a certain minimum size before they officially diagnose blighted ovum.
And mine isn’t big enough yet. It’s still small and it’s still growing.
So I’m wondering whether they are going to send me away again tomorrow, to keep waiting… purely on the basis that the empty sac isn’t big enough to diagnose blighted ovum.
The outcomes are swilling round in my head constantly and it’s so hard to concentrate on anything else…
Is it a blighted ovum?
Is is a very late developer and will it miraculously develop and I’ll hear a heartbeat?
Will I miscarry randomly and unexpectedly on my commute to work?
Do I have to worry about a molar pregnancy?
Is all the bleeding just coming from a polyp they noticed on my cervix during the transfer?
I know the most likely scenario is that I am miscarrying slowly and it’ll be a blighted ovum. Especially as I’ve now had craps and passed a clot.
But I can’t seem to shake the little thread of hope that keeps weaving around the unlikely idea that I’m just bleeding from a polyp and the baby is in there, developing behind schedule.
Based on all my scans so far, the gestational sac should be measuring about 6 weeks tomorrow. And that’s the time we should be seeing a fetal pole, yolk sac and heartbeat.
So although the other day I was in complete acceptance that I was miscarrying and was so strict with myself about accepting it... I’ve been in no man’s land so long I can think straight anymore and all I can think is… unless I miscarry, or go for a scan and see a large empty gestational sac or no gestational sac, or a deflated gestational sac… or an empty gestational sac that has stopped growing… or is still empty at 12 weeks… then I don’t have a definitive answer.
There have been times I have almost hoped it would be bad news because no news was almost more unbearable. And I just want to heal and move forwards and re-start ivf (there’s the time pressure of that too!)
Of course, I know the probability of this being a positive outcome is nowhere near as high as the probability of a miscarriage. But I’m just going to have to wait and see.
The thought of having to wait longer than a couple more weeks is horrific though.
I’ll update here after my scan tomorrow. I stopped bleeding aflyer I passed the clot. So confusing.
Here’s hoping you get some peace and some definitive answers on Wednesday.
I hadn’t realised you were being told to wait again… it’s so hard isn’t it.
Sending hugs and strength xxx