Trying to conceive in your 40’s

[Ds2022]

So just wondered if there’s anyone who can offer advice.. or going through something similar. I’m lucky enough to have 2 DD’s last one was born when I was 35 , got pregnant no problem … I always wanted a third but always found a reason not to, circumstances weren’t great but wished I’d done it anyway. But I’m 45 Ttc for 2 years, no luck , but that feeling of wanting another just won’t go I feel like it’s driving me crazy… do I just give up, keep trying, or try donor egg (don’t think my partner would go for it and I’m reluctant) or perhaps adoption… but it’s just not the same as having my own. I really feel stuck and depressed- wish I could move on but I can’t- I tell myself I’m too old, my own fault for not trying sooner, I should count my blessings but it doesn’t work… advice greatly received.

At your age IVF isn't a great option as success rates aren't much higher than just trying naturally.

Donor egg might work but :

• It's costly
• If you're not both onboard then you shouldn't do it
• You're 45 - I get the longing for a 3rd, I really do. But are you sure you want to start over at this point ?

As for adoption, obviously only you know if it's right for you. I'll only say that adopted children often need a lot of support and attention, and considering you have two other children, and you are 45, you need to decide if you would have the time/energy/finances/focus to give that child everything they need. You also need to consider how that would affect family dynamics as the adopted child would be outnumbered by the biological siblings. It can work, but it will bring a number of challenges. Also if you want a baby, consider you're unlikely to be given one. It's not impossible, but unlikely.

Personally, I also want a third but I'm younger. I know for sure that if it doesn't happen in the next year or two I'll give up on it as I want to move on to the next stage of my life eventually. I wouldn't consider donor egg when I already have 2 own-egg children, and adoption definitely isn't for me. So in your place I know I would either keep trying naturally or (more likely) I would make peace with the fact that it wasn't meant to be and enjoy having more freedom and time to myself.

But only you know what's right for you. Just make sure you asked all the hard questions before committing emotionally or financially to anything.

If you want to make peace with the situation as it stands would it help to maybe plan fun activities that wouldn't be possible with a baby in toe ? To remind yourself of the positives of not having a baby ?

Do you have a hobby that you could dedicate more time to ?

Some bonding time with your daughters ? Struggling to conceive my third made me more appreciative of the two I do have.

Maybe try to put it all out of your head for now (to be revisited in january) and just enjoy the holiday time ? Bake christmas cookies, make eggnog, all this fun stuff.

It could just be that your body feels the window is closing and making you extra broody as a result. Hormones probably not helping. You may well come back in a year or two and think "thank god I didn't have a baby !" I know other posters on other threads have mentioned feeling like that.

Honestly, I would throw in the towel and be happy with the children you already have.

That's amazing advice thanks everyone - it really is a head and heart thing. My head is saying all the things you mention above but my heart is driving me mad. But really helpful thanks everyone I will re read these replies when I start dwelling again xxx Thank you!!!

@Zalturka "It could just be that your body feels the window is closing and making you extra broody as a result. Hormones probably not helping." ...Yes I did think that as well as I did always have in the back of my mind having a third but it was way in the back of my mind - and it only really started as a really strong thought once the peri menopause signs started kicking in 😖

I'm 44 and had a MMC late September so I know I can conceive currently. We are more a risk of losses statistically at the age of 44-45 and the risks go up generally once you are over 45. However there is a different between chronological age and physiological age. I sent day 2-5 bloods off yesterday so at least that will give me an idea of where I stand with my FSH, AMH and DHEA. From blood tests at 7dpo, 18dpo and 32 dpo it looks like my progesterone is low, which could be age related, or might actually be the underlying unexplained fertility (or a combination of both).

I agree with the idea that you get more broody in your 40s as I think it's your biological clock doing one last push. That in itself me makes me think my body is fairly primed hormonally, as my cycles are very good just now and it may actually be easier for us to conceive than it was when I was in my late 20s and early 30s because if that. I doesn't mean my body is entirely competent to carry a pregnancy though, so I may end up putting myself through further losses. The blood tests at least will give me an indication and snapshot of where things are at and I can make more informed choices then or they may give me a kick of reality.

The book 'It starts with the egg' is good as it suggests supplements, etc for increasing egg quality. We wouldn't use donor eggs and that is just personal choice - that would defeat the purpose for us.

I have two DDs as well and we figure we will give it another 6-12 months. We are in a really lucky position where I already have two children and I also feel that I should focus my attention on them. I at the position of last chances now though, where if we are going to ttc again we need to now. My cycles haven't been regular enough in the last 10 years to feasibly try, but they are now, which ironically is probably age related. It is a lot to put yourself through particularly if the chances of success aren't great and the risk are higher. Only you can actually weigh up the odds though.

@somethingluscious Thanks for your reply. Really sorry to hear about your miscarriage :( ... I get what you are saying about the miscarriage and that you know you can conceive - I have been TTC for almost 2 years and the only sign that perhaps I can still conceive is one possible chemical pregnancy last year. It wasn't comnfirmed so I have no idea if it was just a dudd preg test or not. But it was definitely positive for about a day.
I went to a fertility clinic for a scan last month and they basically told me I have about 1% chance if I am lucky - as I have one ovary and one fallopian tube on opposite sides which work due to Endometriosis, my other tube is blocked and the other ovary is not active.

I have read the - "it all starts with the egg" book, and taken many different supplements, but no luck.
Plus for the first time in about 2 years my period was 8 days late and then I started spotting on and off for last 4 days - I am not pregnant as BFN when I tested so I am thinking the perimenopause is really kicking in now.
It might be stress as I have been very down since I went to the fertility clinic and got that news. But I am going to try and get some blood tests as well to check to see if it is Peri.

So it's not exactly looking positive for me. I think I just need to somehow come to terms with it and accept it :(

I wish you all the best, hope things work out for you x

Don't let the heart desires distract you from your blessings.

Likelihood is that it won't 95%> it won't happen, but with two children already doubt you're missing out.