5 YEARS OF SECONDARY INFERTILIRY

[fedup2010]

Hear me out... I'm 39, my husband is 39. We have one daughter ( 6 y old ). 4 miscarriages in the last 8 years, including ectopic, missed miscarriage, 12 week miscarriage and 1 early loss. I just started my period after my third and last letrozole month... to say I am devastated is understatement. How and when do I stop hoping? It will never happen for us I am convinced now. We've done IVF, we've done all infertility test and everything is NORMAL on both sides. Well apart from me having only one tube as a result of burst ectopic. 5 years of hoping... but I don't want false hope anymore. Clearly we can't have another child. It hurst. It hurst like hell. Tell me to stop hoping. Tell me how to accept this. Please.

This might sound cruel but you do have a child! Imagine what it's like for people who don't?

Before anyone berates me, OP did ask how to accept this.

When I considered I might be childless, I was going to move away and start afresh. I was going to be totally selfish and live the 'perfect' life of travelling etc. I was quite prepared to leave everyone incl family behind. I didn't want to be a childless person amongst a family of families!

I did go on to have a DC at 41 with secondary fertility issues. Sometimes when you give up it happens. But you don't want false hope OP. I am so frigging grateful to have my one.

@fedup2010 sorry you’ve experienced so much sadness.

I too have had multiple losses since the birth of my daughter 8 years ago and secondary infertility has been incredibly tricky to navigate. It’s incomparable to primary infertility because as PP says we’ve been blessed with a child. But sometimes you have your child’s pain to navigate (we lost a baby in the second trimester and my LO is aware her baby brother died so she was devastated too), and you have no choice but to be in the presence of growing families at school gates and parties. Knowing I was losing babies while chatting to people with newborns in the playground was its own kind of hell.

The want and need to have another baby isn’t erased because you have one. Yes, I’m even more grateful for my daughter because of my experiences. It’s made me realise just how fragile life is, and how precious she is. But the fact she’s here doesn’t remove the pain. You can be both grateful for the child you have and grieving those you’ve lost so never feel guilty for that.

I’d personally seek counselling if you feel you’ve done everything you can. Or perhaps it will help you explore final options before drawing a line. I had some support last year and my partner and I decided to have one last go, this time with IVF and some further tests, and knowing we’ve left no stone unturned has made a difference to my outlook. I think it’ll help me accept things a more easily if it doesn’t work out.

@MyEasterEggs you have said it so well... I can't comprehend your pain of losing your baby boy... my heart breaks for you and your family.
I just feel incredibly sorry for myself today. I think about every surgery I had to scrape my uterus, to take out my tube... the ups and downs of falling pregnant to then lose it all... whilst most people continue their pregnancies and grow their families... I just wish I had answers, but there are none.
I have my final consultations with fertility doctor next week, I will ask for few more months of letrozole even though ovulation is not an issue in my case... but at least with letrozole I know exactly when I ovulate.

Did I understand correctly you are doing IVF soon?

@fedup2010 I’ve never had concrete answers myself so can relate to some of the anger and sadness you must be feeling. It’s incredibly frustrating.

Are you under the care of the NHS or a private clinic? Has your husband had a SpermComet test, urine culture to rule out infection and urology appointment to check for varicocele? My partner had a “perfect” sample based on basic semen analysis but it turned out he had an infection that was causing DNA damage and potentially contributing to recurrent miscarriages. I’m also being treated for immune and clotting issues.

After he was treated we started IVF and I recently had my transfer. I’m currently 7 weeks so still a long way to go as I’ve had losses at 8 and 10 weeks and beyond.

im sorry for your experience op, have you looked into immune testing? I had multiple losses and had my second child in my 40s after starting immune treatment. The body (especially with second pregnancies) can have an immune response and attack the pregnancy because half the dna is foreign.
It might be worth testing before moving on, I’m glad I did

Secondary infertility can be harder as you are trying to conceive a sibling, you are probably not as naive as you were originally before subsequent losses.

I have two daughters so now trying for a third. The argument that you already have a child & should be grateful is a very weak & insensitive one.

There is something to be said for the idea that I should invest my attention only in my first two children, but if I had given up after the first and not gone through the pain & experience we had to, to get there - I wouldn't have her too and she was worth it all.

Unexplained infertility is very cruel, because all you can do is seek to either get around the issue with medically managed cycles like IVF or IUI, or you keep battering on with the risk of further losses not knowing the underlying cause.

I figure we will try for another 6 months as I have really good cycles currently, then I really will pushing my luck with age. But I do it with the knowledge I'm at risk of further losses. After that it will be time to accept it won't happen again.

Other people having pregnancies only bothered me when ttc our first child. After that I got my head around the fact the experience of other couples isn't that comparable as whatever our issues are we want to conceive with each other and part of that includes accepting the cards life has dealt us there.

@MyEasterEggs congratulations❤️

We are under care of a NHS hospital clinic. @Purpledaze77 I had all blood tests done ( all the ones they do after 3 miscarriages), not sure would that include immune testing? I have also done inestigstive laparoscopy due to adhesions post C section, Hycosy and lately I've done hysteroscopy where one fibroid was removed.
My last miscarriage at 12 weeks, was a baby girl who had no genetic abnormalities ( sample was taken during ERPC). My husband hasn't done Sperm Comet test, he's done sperm analysis twice, it's normal.
thank you for your kind words and sharing your experiences, it's nice to know someone understands... I am not ungrateful. I just feel robbed.

We have a long way to go but thank you 💛

If you’ve only had the support of the NHS then there’s more that can be done. They don’t test immunes, they don’t do SpermComet, there’s also something called an EndomeTRIO which could be helpful in your circumstances. But appreciate it comes down to affordability.

We only got so far with our local NHS recurrent miscarriage clinic before I took two years out. I was exhausted after six losses. And we knew we had to do everything privately if we had a chance. So our break helped me research and prepare for that. It’s a big leap but it’s all we had.

I’m sorry @somethingluscious

Secondary infertility can be harder as you are trying to conceive a sibling I’ve never heard something so ridiculous.

so you honestly believe your life is harder because you have two children and would like a third than someone who can’t have children. You sit there are Christmas while your children open their presents from Santa witnessing their joy and happiness and think oh woe is me if only I was sitting here alone with no children. How hard my life is. Do you wish you’d never being pregnant? excluded from Santa, school, Halloween, local sports clubs, and parties. Get a grip.

I suffered through 5 years of infertility before having my daughter and now suffering from secondary infertility and it’s not even remotely comparable. The pain of not knowing you will ever be a parent is indescribable. I have a child now and I am so so grateful. My heart goes out to all the women here who are still struggling to become a mother, a parent. I can’t believe someone with two children believes herself more hard done by. Have a word with yourself!!!

@Doglover11 it might seem ridiculous to you, but secondary infertility was harder for me and your opinion does not negate my experiences. Three loses so multiple what if due dates to go through, eventually resulting in a second daughter. Secondary infertility was much harder for me than primary infertility, given further invasive investigation and medicated cycles. Particularly also given I had some lived experience of what to expect and what I was likely putting myself through.

It also doesn't negate my experience of tertiary infertility and the underlying issues for each battle ttc.

I don't believe myself more hard done by or less than others or their experiences. You are making assumptions. I will clarify again that my experience at each stage of infertility is my own and my partner's. I can't compare that to anyone else because they don't have the same fertility issues as me and can't assume what that journey has been like.

It is also not the fault of women who do conceive or do have children, or have better fertility than I do, that they ought to or have to feel grateful for that in comparison to me or others... as if.

I know exactly where I am and don't need to get a grip or look at myself. :) I am perfectly happy in myself, thanks.

If our family grows, great. If not I have two daughter who I gave a lot up for and went through a great deal (both times) to conceive.

@Doglover11 secondary infertility WAS harder for me than primary infertility though... You might think that is stupid, but that was my experience!

I don't feel my life with two daughters is harder than the life of someone without children. It was you that said that!!!

You are the one saying I am not grateful for my family. I never said or implied that. It's not mutually exclusive and I don't need counselling to know that.

You said secondary infertility was harder than trying for a first..Secondary infertility by definition is trying for a second child so if that is harder than trying for a first child then you must feel your life is harder than that of someone without children. Maybe you need to think before you type if you didn’t grasp what you said.

My experience of infertility and my life or hardship in life aren't the same thing. Your last statement makes no sense at all. It's a straw man argument.

@fedup2010 if you have any questions you’re welcome to drop me a DM. It’s a shame this thread has been derailed but it’s often the way with secondary infertility posts. I don’t think I’ve seen one that hasn’t ended in an argument since it’s such an emotive topic. Take care 💛

@Doglover11 You can't compare infertility with your first and secondary infertility. They are 2 completely different experiences. Both as heartbreaking and as difficult as the other to each individual going through it for different reasons. It's not about which is harder, both are shit. If you can't relate to this OPs and the other members experience then you shouldn't be posting your unhelpful advice. This is not the AIBU board. Telling another woman on here they are ridiculous and to get a grip when they are sharing their views and experience is also rude.

@fedup2010 I hope someone can come along with some more helpful advice than me. I'm currently struggling with secondary infertility but not quite ready to give up yet, we are just starting our first round of IVF. Your not alone in your feelings

@Doglover11 I'm just saying you cannot compare the 2 experiences. The previous poster was sharing her experience and saying she found it harder the second time around. You can't tell her she's wrong because it's not how you experienced it.
I have been on these boards and support groups a long time and my heart absolutely breaks for women ttc a first child. Personally I do agree with you that already having a child softens the blow of secondary infertility. But it's still really shit and really hard and we are allowed to cry and vent just as much as anyone else.

Wishing you all the best on your IVF journey.

I'd recommend the following few books.

I'm currently reading 'Yes, you can get pregnant', which is a holistic more eastern-based approach.

I have read 'It starts with an egg' which is good too and has specific advice and supplements for various scenarios.

The other one I want to read is 'Not broken', which is meant to be excellent, relating to miscarriage and recurrent pregnancy loss.

I already reported one of the posts above and it was removed by Mumsnet for being 'not on' and 'breaking Talk Guidelines'...