How to talk to my sister who is struggling to conceive

[DisneyBaby]

Sorry if this is the wrong thread to post on or seems a dumb question to ask...

My sister and her husband have been ttc for 3 years and they have just found out that he has a very low spend count and that their chances of conceiving naturally are very low.

I don't know what to say or how to reassure her and I feel like I'm being unsupportive because I literally don't know what to say when she talks to me about it. All of her tests came back fine, so it appears to be all him. She's feeling out of control of the whole situation with it being him and not her, and very upset understandably. I think she's struggling mentally with the whole thing too.

For those that have been in the same boat, is there anything I can do or say to her in this situation that will actually make a difference. I feel so hopeless to help her and worry about saying the wrong thing all the time... I love her to bits and it's horrible to see her going through this!

I am being there as an ear and shoulder to cry on but I wish I could just help her more in some way!

I have always struggling for words to say in these kind of situations and feel awkward when people cry around me etc. So any advice would be really appreciated here!

Thank you in advance!

Can you tell her a summary of what you said here, that you're so sorry this is happening, you don't know what to say but want to support her.
Then she can tell you what would be helpful for her.

It seems obvious but if you already have children please don't make jokes like she can have one of yours if they're being naughty. Or if you TTC and get pregnant the first month don't go on too much about how quick it was. I'm sure you wouldn't because you sound sensitive.

If she wants practical support then maybe direct her here because there are obviously things that can be done with a view to overcoming low sperm count and some clinics are better than others. People can recommend clinics or supplements or urologists (Jonathan Ramsay).

Honestly? Just be there and listen and don't minimise her upset/worries. Agree with her that it is really rubbish and offer your support in whatever way you think she'd appreciate whether that be on the phone/in person etc. Whilst her crying makes you uncomfortable, try to embrace it and see it as a positive that she feels comfortable to do this in front of you. She needs to cry, be upset, etc but doing it with you there will be far preferable to doing it on her own. Also be reassured that just being there is enough - it sounds like you're being a great sister 😀 Infertility can be a very dark and lonely place, and it can be a long road, so just consistently being there for her is honestly all she will want.

@DisneyBaby this is a really kind post and you sound very caring for your sister. I agree with those above - being available, showing her you’re comfortable with discussing it (even if you’re still getting there - we’re all on a journey and as Brits we tend to clam up with these personal real-life things!), and listening are so valuable.

In my experience, I like it when friends and family ask me open questions about it, because it shows they’re genuinely interested. When people ask me things like ‘How are you finding X right now?’ or ‘How do you feel about Y, as I know you mentioned you have that appointment coming up?’, those questions tell me they’re interested in me and my experience as an individual. As well as being the questions that show people real care in them as a person, open questions also don’t require you to feel like you should have read up on things, or be really informed about fertility before you can speak to those struggling with it.

On the contrary, a closed question like ‘Did you find it really hard to see me/your cousin/best friend/colleague’ pregnant the other day?’ are actually the most unhelpful, because they’re assuming we know what the person is feeling about seeing other pregnant people (for example), rather than just simply asking about them as a person.

So, listen to her, tell yourself you’re going to walk with her on this journey, and tell her you’d love to know how she is and how she feels as she goes through it. That will show her you love her. People like you rock!🙌

Thank you so much!😊