Husband refusing....

[MissMoodyMoo]

We have been trying for just over 2 years now after a successful pregnancy 3 years ago and have been going through secondary infertility. We paid to get tests done privately and it has come back my husbands sperm has low morphology and we will need to try icsi which we are going to try. Whilst waiting for our tests we spoke about the "if's" and if it was an issue for myself he said that we would get a egg donation etc which I was fine with but when I have mentioned that we may need to get a sperm donor he has said absolutely not the child has to have his DNA so fostering and adoption is also a no go. I'm just a bit taken back by it all, I'm only 27 and I'm not sure if can think of a future without anymore children. I keep thinking what happens if he leaves me in 10 years and I've stuck by him and his decision whilst making the worst decision of my life. I'm probably just hormonal and sad but Im struggling with the uncertainty I love my husband and I want to raise loads of little humans with him because we are great parents but I know I won't be happy if we don't at least consider other options.

Has going down the donor route been suggested to you? Or are you jumping to this possibility based on a basic sperm analysis?

Donor conception is a big decision, one that would ideally involve counselling to help you work through and weigh up your options. But before you even consider this, has he seen a urologist, had a urine culture and sperm DNA analysis? It may be worth exploring these tests because they can be beneficial to do before ICSI.

My partner’s urine culture highlighted a hidden infection, which was causing sperm DNA issues, so he was treated with antibiotics before I went through egg collection. We then had ICSI and had a good fertilisation rate.

A urologist can also check for a varicocele, which can impact morphology. We saw Jonathan Ramsay in London.

My husband also wouldn't accept donor sperm, and while in theory I think I'd accept donor eggs if it was my infertility, I can also totally see his point too. It's never going to be an outcome that suits both in this case as it's hugely emotive and sometimes its a guttural reaction against something. We did an ICSI cycle and got 6 blastocysts at day 5, all good and top quality when my husband has severely low parameters for everything and a huge varicocele. You may not need sperm donation, there is not only ICSI there is also surgical sperm removal so there's still hope for a biological child for both of you x

@MissMoodyMoo morphology is the easiest parameter to improve and it's also the one that is less accurate than the rest due to the small amount of sperm they look at in the sample. If his count was high, I think it's jumping ahead to talking about donor sperm or ICSI.

I would also recommend seeing a urologist as the previous poster said. All sorts of hidden things can be going on which can be sorted and improve chances of a natural conception or successful round of IVF.

My OHs morphology from 0 to 9% with supplements and lifestyle changes and I fell pregnant naturally after 15 cycles.

I also think he sounds like he is being a bit difficult about the whole thing but his reaction gives you even more grounds to sort this out via a urologist etc since he is so against the thought of possibly having to use donor sperm. Best of luck!

@MissMoodyMoo and btw, the NHS v much gave us no advice or help on our issues with sperm. They immediately said we would require IVF with ICSI. It was only through these forums and reading up on everything that we managed to improve our circumstances.

Oh I'm definitely jumping the gun a bit we are in no way at the stage of going the sperm donor route it's just the conversation when talking about the bigger picture that has annoyed me that he would rather have no more children at all than consider any other options knowing that I wanted a bigger family especially because he is a bit older and I had our first whilst I was still at uni!! I think it's just really annoying me that I he assumed All the issues were my fault and knew I'd put my mind and body through the emotions of IVF and egg donation etc if needed but when it comes to him it's a one conversation/argument and we are done again I'm just super emotional and sad about what the future might be for me

@MissMoodyMoo I know how you feel! My DP has azoospermia (no sperm) so using a sperm donor is an idea we've had to consider. Have been going through tests for the best part of a year to see if surgical sperm retrieval will be an option.
I'd use donor eggs in a heart beat but I feel it's slightly easier for women, it's our bodies growing the baby and it's known that very small amounts of genetic material do cross the placenta.
DP is against using a sperm donor and would prefer to adopt if in this situation. Whereas I wouldn't adopt, I think DP is very naive to the challenges and just thinks he doing a good thing for a child who's had a bad start in life. DP did briefly change his mind but later confessed to just saying it because he wants to make me happy and give me a child. But deep down it's not what he wants.
I was initially on the fence with donor sperm too, but there's a couple of "letters" on the donor conception network website from a father who used donor sperm and changed my mind. May be worth a read but essentially was along the lines of if the ultimate goal is to have a child / be a "dad" does it matter if its biologically both of yours, one of yours or neither? If we find ourselves in this situation, im going to ask my DP to read the letters and hopefully he'll be open to considering a donor.

I think you have many options to try before donor though: ICSI/IMSI/PICSI or even surgical sperm retrieval. Don't give up hope just yet! Wishing you the best of luck x