Infertility - please share stupid comments others have made (so I feel less lonely)

[Octobershowers9]

I am looking for a handhold and to know I’m not alone (I really know I’m not!)

I have had three miscarriages on a row. Latest was in Feb. Would have been due end of September. Decided not to try again and my mind is fully made up on this.

No one even remembers that I would have been due about now :( I don’t feel people who haven’t been through it understand or really try to.

My SIL knows we had two miscarriage very close together. Never brought it up to me (kind of get this). She went to me the other day “did you hear Molly Mae is pregnant?” I have never discussed Molly Mae with her or shown any interest in her or Instagram babes.

I know she meant no harm whatsoever but just seems quite a stupid and insensitive thing to say to someone who has had multiple recent pregnancy losses and no current healthy pregnancy to speak of! I find this kind thing of common though!

As mentioned above for a handhold and maybe a bit of humour to hear of your stories of stupid and rather insensitive things people have done and said.

A girl at work (who knows we are struggling with infertility as she caught me in tears after two consecutive work pregnancy announcements a couple of years ago) told me last week to ‘Hurry up and get pregnant’ so she can have a go at my job while I’m on maternity. 🤷‍♀️

Oh gosh, we have been trying 2.5+ years and have had an end of T1 loss that many people knew about, there have been quite a few (from people who knew and people who didn't).

From people who knew:
"See, I had a miscarriage before I had {child name} and it was quite good as it made me realise I really wanted one!" riiight. See, we wanted this one so...
"Yeah, we just got pregnant so easily! Really took us by surprise. Kind of too soon actually, which is a bit annoying" I bet not as annoying as wanting one for almost 3 years and getting nowhere?

From people who didn't:
Just 100x "oh you're lucky you don't have to lose sleep/deal with this", "it's an easy life without kids" etc - maybe stop and think that with 1 in 7 to 1 in 8 couples experiencng fertility issues, and 1 in 4 pregnancies ending in loss, there might be another reason why we don't

I could write a book at this stage…

Most of these “helpful” comments came after the first miscarriage

you’re lucky you can get pregnant
you’ll have another one
my sister had a miscarriage and now has 3 kids, I’ll connect you
its good to get it out of the way

After the 2nd/ during IVF
Would you try surrogacy/ adoption
get a dog
is it something you’re doing wrong?
take my kids!
you’re lucky you can sleep

My SIL compared our multiple losses and IVF (still no baby) to her not getting pregnant for a year with her first. Also didnt tell us for 6 months they were expecting no3.

I found people who shared their kids with me non stop very challenging too. Some people have no tact

Are you going to have more children?

He needs a sibling.

"Oh I'd just love to have more grandkids" MIL after we had gone through our 3rd loss....

Fed up of people asking if we'll think of adopting 🤦‍♀️ I know they don't have any bad intentions but we really aren't at a point of considering that yet and it's not the easy alternative people seem to imagine it is!

It really annoys me too. Its not like its a first choice or thousands of kids looking to be adopted.

The surrogacy one I've got so many times. "Would you try surrogacy"...

I’ve had this too!!! I found the pregnancy - miscarriage - pregnancy - miscarriage cycle mentally exhausting. I therefore know that I don’t want the additional mental drain of jumping through hoops of adoption as have heard it’s not easy.

I have said no it’s not right for me. “Well please consider it.” You haven’t been through what I have you don’t get it so NO!

To add to that I have two DSC! It’s one thing then having a half sibling but adopting just would not fit our family. The concept is ridiculous for us (not saying it would be for everyone I just know it’s not right.)

Thank you all for your replies. It made me feel less alone. I’m sorry for your struggles and people’s silliness!

What an absolute arsehole!

It’s a great venting thread!

I’m so sorry for your loss. 💐 Oh the “you’re so lucky” comments are annoying. People are so odd with the topic of kids and pregnancy. No tact! I have quite a nice job but I wouldn’t say to someone who wasn’t happy with theirs “oh you’re so lucky you don’t have a very good job.” 😂

It really has 😂. Recurrent miscarriages has made me a lot less tolerant of people. I’m happy to admit this as my therapist says it’s important to acknowledge these feelings 😅

So so so many people giving their opinions and "advice" when they are not required or welcome.

"When you stop trying, it will happen"
"It wasn't meant to be"
"It will happen"
"Just get drunk and have a good time, thats how I conceived my <insert child name>"
"Oh I know someone similar... they did XX"
"You don't want kids, they're awful, mine are a nightmare"
"You've got plenty of time!"

Honestly - the best advice I had was from my GP. I was using an Ovusense egg and OPKs and an app. My GP said to BD when you feel like it, ideally 2-3 times a week, but don't put the pressure on it. She said your mind stays in "fight or flight" mode which effects your hormones and then this effects the quality of your eggs, your CM, your internal "lady" environment.

Urgh, the 'I bet it'll happen if you stopped trying!' pisses me right off. What does that even mean? Should I go on contraception? Or stop having sex? Because I'm pretty sure neither of those 2 options gets you pregnant.

Exactly!

Oh I'm sorry, I'll just flick that switch in my brain that tells me I want kids. I'll carry on taking folic acid every day for shits and giggles. I'll stop looking at baby clothes. I'll just ignore all the baby stuff I've been hoarding for 5 years in my cupboard.

Do one!

The thing that boils my blood the most are the people who were "infertile" with you and once they have kids they forget how bloody hard it is. I've got two school friends on Facebook who were TTC a while and now they've had kids they just spam the crap out of it.

This is my kind of thread! We have one dc and have been trying for dc2 for nearly 5 years including multiple ivfs, multiple miscarriages and 3 surgeries.

I believe things happen for a reason.
You should go on holiday.
When my neighbour's auntie's cousin stopped trying they fell pregnant the next month.
Just relax.
Have you tried [insert name of any herb here]?
Said in my house. "I'm pregnant with our third but it was an accident" whilst looking at me with her husband too both giving 'I'm sorry we're so fertile' faces.
Are you going to have another one? This one has stopped being asked now my dc is 6, which is kind of depressing.
Mary (my cousin) is pregnant!! She's 43! Said by my dad who knows about our issues and that I'll be at least 41 by the time we have a baby.
At least you can get pregnant. (I kind of understand this one, but it's the way it's said sometimes).
Have you tried yoga?
Do you eat pineapples while it's the full moon?
Well you won't have another miscarriage! (I've had 4)

I'm sure I have lots more!

'Just relax'

and

After telling a woman at Zumba about my miscarriage. 'Oh when I was pregnant with my son, I had a big bleed and we were scared we'd lose him but he was fine in the end.'

Like... ok?? I actually lost my baby so... no idea how she thought that was helpful or on a par with what I went through at all.

"I know how you feel, we were trying for a year for our 2nd"

Very different than RPL over several years, IVF, and being completely childless.

Another I hate is "you're so strong". I revert now with "well I don't have much choice"

My mum, on being told we were starting IVF:

Just relax, that’s all you have to do. I think you’d be pregnant by now if you just stopped being so busy. If you just had a glass of wine every night and just stopped doing things then you’d be fine. Just relax!

By being busy and doing things, she means working full time and doing things like going out for dinner or to the cinema at the weekend. Perfectly normal stuff! (She hasn’t worked since she was 52!)

My manager told me that she’d heard NHS IVF isn’t very good and that foreign IVF is better.

This was just after she’d been informed I would be taking time off for IVF. On the NHS.

Oh yes I’ve had this off my mum, too!

Stop trying! Stop thinking about it!

Ummm…