Best friend IVF

[mamnollag]

A close friend of mine started her TTC journey back in 2016. Her and her husband were unable to conceive and have since undergone their first round of IVF. There have been so many obstacles along the way and she is currently waiting to find out how many eggs matured and therefore could be viable for transfer.

The whole journey has been full of obstacles. How do I be a good friend? I never know how to respond. If it's bad news, what sort of things should I be saying? I am desperately desperately willing for this to go well.

Those of you who have been through the process. What did you need to hear?

I’m sorry your friend is having such a horrible time. You sound like a lovely friend. I haven’t been through this but I imagine the main thing is just being there for her and her knowing she can always talk to you or be a shoulder to cry on when she needs. Does she tend to open up?

otherwise she might appreciate being distracted at some point and having some time when she does something fun away from all this - though probably would need to be guided by her.

You sound like a lovely friend.
Going through IVF at the moment and it's extremely difficult. Just be there for her and listen to her. Also, if you are blessed to have children maybe tone down the baby talk. Just be respectful of what she is going through

@mamnollag I've been in the IVF world for many years with loads of ups and downs (mostly downs). I can be very changeable about whether or not I want to talk about it. So my best friend has to follow my lead.

The worst bit for me is having to explain everything. The reason I often don't share with people is that IVF is so complex I end up just having to explain stuff in order to be able to share and to be honest, it's not that helpful for me to spend my time explaining how different things work.

So maybe do your googling and already have an understanding of fertilisation rates (in this case), what it means to make blastocyst, the success rates of those that make it to day 6 versus day 5, does her clinic do day 3 or day 5 transfers?, what do different gradings mean etc etc. don't ask her that stuff - look it up - so that if she talks you know what she means and don't have to clarify or ask more questions.

The most helpful thing from my best friend is when things are causing me anxiety and she does research with me (we've both spent time googling various aspects of the process). That has helped me - but only because I asked her to.

It's really hard so you just have to follow her lead (to be honest like you would with any trauma that a friend is going through)

The worst thing you can do is to ignore it and not be there for her. Friends of mine have done this and while I know its not meant maliciously it really hurts

You're right about understanding terms and how it works etc. I've learnt so much about IVF in the last 6m. It's humbled me greatly - I really didn't know how arduous and emotionally draining it is.

We have a baby of our own which naturally makes things raw. I know she cares, but we don't speak much about him. I get it. I have plenty of other friends to bounce off of where that's concerned.

I think I'll be just as elated if she falls pg as when I did (maybe more).

I would say:

1. Follow her lead, it's okay to explicitly ask "do you want to talk about it?" Sometimes the answer might be no, I want to talk about something else
2. If you don't understand a procedure, grading etc Google it rather than adding the emotional labour of her explaining to you
3. Try not to get into fixing mode eg "have you tried x, y, z" or "maybe you should do x"
4. Try to look out for times you might accidentally be shutting down emotion, "at least you have some viable eggs" (at least statements are rarely good), "it'll work out in the end" etc
5. Bear in mind sometimes IVF does not work out in the end. It is not a guaranteed baby
6. All she needs from you is emotional support, it's fine if all you can say is "that is so shit, I love you and I'm sorry"

You sound like a good friend,thinking all this through

Firstly, you sound like a lovely friend so I’m sure you’ll get it right. Secondly, I agree with Janefx40, learn the lingo and do some research so you can help her to look on the bright side when there is genuine cause for optimism but also appreciate if her situation is looking dire. Finally, don’t necessarily avoid talking about your baby altogether - you know your friend best so you’ll be the best judge of how she’ll handle it. I understand my friends’ kids are a huge part of their lives and I don’t want to be excluded from that. I hate feeling like there’s an elephant in the room and people are walking on eggshells around me. Just be sensitive (don’t make a massive performance of your Mother’s Day presents like my sister in law did!) and pick your moments.

You sound really lovely. I would say it really depends on your friend. If she wants to talk about it being a good listener is all that matters, you don’t need to say much really, just listen. Don’t worry about finding the right words, a simple ‘I’m so sorry you have to go through this’ is enough.

But for me what helps more than anything is just not talking about it. I have a few very close friends who I haven’t told I’m doing IVF. That might sound like a massive contrast, how can they be close? But actually I care about them deeply and they bring my life back into normality, when I talk to them I’m not thinking about IVF, discussing it etc. It takes up enough headspace every other time…I like that I can have fun with these friends, laugh, joke and forget about the IVF. So my advice would be to go to dinner, see a play or go to the cinema to have a break from it all. But ofcourse if she doesn’t want to do this and then please follow her queue. It’s all highly individual and she might not feel up to ‘having fun’ at a time like this.

This from @IWillBeWaxingAnOwl

All she needs from you is emotional support, it's fine if all you can say is "that is so shit, I love you and I'm sorry"

What a lovely friend ! 😊

I wish there was more people like you out there OP

Some great advice, thank you. The point @IWillBeWaxingAnOwl made about trying to fix/emotionally shutting down makes a lot of sense. I've been on the receiving end of it in other circumstances and it's so infuriating.

I think, 'this is shit, shall we go for a wine/food/whatever' is another good pointer.

It's hard to see someone so unbelievably consumed by something, none of us have control over. Maybe 'manifesting' is a load of shit but I'm gonna do it.

As long as you don't mention manifesting to her @mamnollag unless she brings it up 🤣! Toxic positivity is another one id add to the no list, "you have to relax,think positive thoughts or it won't happen!" (Not saying you'd do this OP but I've heard it before in the context of infertility!)

I’m sorry to hear your friend is going through this difficult time.
I’ve recently gone through my first ivf cycle and unfortunately lost the baby at 8 weeks.
I’ve had some amazing friends by my side and wouldn’t have coped half as well without them.
Nothing you can say can make the situation better, all you can do is be a good friend, mainly listen to them and be a shoulder to cry on should they need it. Like you, my friend was unsure of what to say to me as never been in the position, she listened to me every step of the way, was my shoulder to cry on and most of the time cried with me and drank lots of wine when things didn’t go to plan. Her just being there was enough, no words needed.
Just being there for your friend will mean the world to her, wishing your friend all the best xx

I wish the people in my life were as considerate as you. It's so big of you to join a community so you can support your person in the right way. My advice would be next time she brings it up to ask her how she feels about talking about it and what she prefers.