Secondary infertility - how to accept it may never happen

[Tilly177]

We have been trying for 8 years now and have had all the tests. I’m ovulating most months but hubby has only 1% healthy sperm. We are currently waiting to see if we can get Chlomid prescriptions been a long hard journey so far in NHS. (this is how we conceived our first child now 11). My hubby doesn’t want to go down IVF route and tbh I don’t know if I am emotionally strong enough for it. I worry about the age gap if we were successful in conceiving now so much time has past but I can’t get over the overwhelming feeing that every part of me wants another child! I am bothered that my sadness is hurting my hubby and his feelings about it all so feel like I need to hold back alot of the time. It’s so hard as everytime I see a pregnant woman I get emotional and I know that’s now healthy. I don’t want to be jealous but I am. I dont know how to come to terms with the fact I may never be able to have another child. Does any one out there have any coping mechanisms/ ways you dealt with similar feelings?

Hi @Tilly177 im sorry to hear what you’re going through, secondary infertility sucks. I am too experiencing this. I think the heartache is compounded as the person we love the most is being deprived of something we assume will bring them so much joy - a sibling. I’m only at the start of the acceptance phase of secondary infertility (we’re at the end of our ivf journey) but techniques I’m trying are to stop imagining a ‘perfect’ family. There’s no guarantee a sibling will bring the amount of joy we envisage. Your family might not be the one you imagined, but it is perfect in its own way. Your child has your undevoted attention, they will from strong friendship bonds, and, what they don’t have, they can’t miss. You are enough. Your family is enough. And when you see a pregnant woman, you have a mantra, for me. I think of my little girl and think, i don’t want that woman’s life, her job or her husband. I’m not her and nor do I want to be. I am enough and my family is enough. I wish you all the best in this journey, sending you all the love 💕

Littleblue80 I can’t thank you enough for your message some of the things you said about things being enough, I am enough, really hits home as I have always struggled with this concept after trying to live up my mums standards. I think your right, I have always imagined having a larger family and maybe see this as a ‘perfect family’ it’s hard to come to terms with the fact that will never be. I am grateful for everything I have and I know I am very lucky to have even one child as I know for many that’s not possible. my hubby says to me atleast we have our son but it doesn’t make it any easier. I like your mantra, you don’t know what problems that person faces in their life. I am sorry IVF has not worked for you, it must have been a very tough journey for you and no doubt still is. Out of interest did you do IVF with ICSI? this was the only IVF the consultant recommended for us although I don’t think we are strong enough to go down this route.

Are you and DH on the same page really? You say he doesn't want to do IVF, but it sounds like you do so I'd recommend some counselling with someone experienced to talk through your feelings.

For me, I'd want to do IVF, I don't know about not strong enough to do it, especially when you have a child already, but maybe it's a different kind of strength not to (it can spiral, certainly did for me, we passed every limit we set and it can strain relationships).

If you decide to accept your family situation then look wholeheartedly for the positives that there are, and remember you don't know what another child might bring that would be unexpected. Not all siblings get along anyway, there are benefits to smaller families too.

I felt I had to say something to this. I have an 8 year old and have suffered secondary infertility. I actually got pregnant this August but lost it at 7 weeks. I have adenomyosis, which is the reason for the miscarriage, I suspect. I am 41 now, so think the reality is that a second child is unlikely. You need to be kind to yourself. Secondary infertility is extremely painful. I went through a phase of crying every day in the shower. I also tried to make myself feel numb, just to get through it. Be nice to yourself. How I cope is I focus on the benefits of just having one. We are not wealthy but are comfortable and my daughter will never want for anything. She's happy and she loves us and that makes my heart melt. We do mummy/daughter shopping trips that would be hard to do with a baby in tow. I think of all the amazing things she's brought to my life and I feel grateful. Would I have liked another baby? Of course. But in some ways, maybe it was meant to be just the 3 of us. I couldn't do IVF, I don't think. We'd find it too expensive anyway. I'm happy with what I have. I am giving you a handhold because I know how tough it is.

Thank you HeyMona. I think I have been holding out so much on the hope that Chlomid (when we eventually get it / if we get it will work - because it worked for us for our first child) that we haven’t properly discussed IVF. In the beginning of our journey I thought IVF ultimately would be the route we would try but as time has gone on and how emotionally drained we both are evan now I think I am coming to terms with the fact that that may not be the best option. One because of cost and because I know many couples can miscarry or it doesn’t work and I don’t know if I am strong enough to cope with the fact it won’t work or the loss of a child through miscarriage. my hubby does also want another child but is outwardly more relaxed about it - saying what will be will be /leave it to fair. When we have talked he has said he doesn’t speak about it as he thinks it’ll hurt me as he feels inadequate/ can’t give me what I want. This makes me feel like I don’t want to hurt him by expressing my emotions, like I have to keep it inside. Thank you for your advice.

Bubblyinblanch Thank you so much for sharing your experience, it must still be very raw. I am so sorry you have gone through this it must be heartbreaking! It sounds like you are a very strong women to be able to be able to come out the other side and deal with this looking at the positives. I know you would never truly be over something like this but to be able to manage those feelings is amazing ! This is what I worry I would never be able to do, it’s taken me about 5 years to just even begin to stop hopping and have the realisation it may never happen. That’s why I dont think I would be strong enough to cope with IVF and I don’t want to put my hubby through that. It sound like you have an amazing little girl and are very close. I wish you all the best and sending you love. It’s helpful to know that I’m not alone in this that there are others going through similar to me (although I wouldn’t wish it on anyone) it’s not all ‘perfect families’. I think I need to realise my family is perfect in its own way and like you focus more on the positives about the relationship I have with my son. Honestly thank you so much! X

@Tilly177 thank you, you are lovely. I really hope it happens for you. As my mum used to say 'it ain't over til the fat lady sings'.