Should we go to see new baby

Conundrum12345 · 2022-08-01T19:10:16+00:00

My OH brother and SIL are due their second baby in a few weeks. My OH and BIL wouldn't be that close. I'm not close to SIL. However, we were always polite to attend their DD birthday, christening etc and give good presents. We also visited DD when she was born and have made an effort. This has not been reciprocated throughout our infertility journey. We have had several miscarriages and just finished our first egg collection. Our FET will be around the same time their new baby has been born. I'm very anxious about visiting the new baby but feel we should, even though I'm extremely concerned I will be emotional.OH is of the opinion we should wait a few months until we are in a better position mentally and when it's less painful to be around a baby. What would you do?

Lotusflower16 · 01/08/2022 20:29

Hi!
I think you should do what makes you feel comfortable. If you are not ok with seeing the baby, then don't do it. It can be quite triggering, especially as it will happen around your FET.
Perhaps it sound selfish, but you need to protect yourself. Infertility is a tough journey.
Hugs!

LongerthanMrTicklesarms · 01/08/2022 20:59

Do what feels right, not what you think you 'should' do.
Apart from anything it's your OH's family so if he doesn't want to go you don't have to. Maybe he can't face it? Especially if they're not close, it might be harder to feel happy for them.
As they haven't been sensitive to you then you risk further insensitivity at a time when you really could do without it.

Original poster

Conundrum12345 · 02/08/2022 03:20

LongerthanMrTicklesarms · 01/08/2022 20:59

Do what feels right, not what you think you 'should' do.
Apart from anything it's your OH's family so if he doesn't want to go you don't have to. Maybe he can't face it? Especially if they're not close, it might be harder to feel happy for them.
As they haven't been sensitive to you then you risk further insensitivity at a time when you really could do without it.

He told me he will find it hard, particularly as they aren't the most tactile or sensitive around us. I know he's very disappointed too about how unsupportive they have been

OP posts:

PMAmostofthetime · 02/08/2022 08:01

@Conundrum12345 maybe send a gift- I'm
Sure they will understand.

No one knows about my journey so I find it easier to put on a brave face and go atm. I'm sure that could chance in a heartbeat. However a dear friend of mine had lost 3 before her recent successful pregnancy and she avoided baby showers and new babies and would just sent a gift for a few years.

People don't know how to respond to infertility and baby loss and I'm sure they do care but just don't know how to show it.

Do what's best for you at the time.

Original poster

Conundrum12345 · 02/08/2022 10:26

PMAmostofthetime · 02/08/2022 08:01

@Conundrum12345 maybe send a gift- I'm
Sure they will understand.

No one knows about my journey so I find it easier to put on a brave face and go atm. I'm sure that could chance in a heartbeat. However a dear friend of mine had lost 3 before her recent successful pregnancy and she avoided baby showers and new babies and would just sent a gift for a few years.

People don't know how to respond to infertility and baby loss and I'm sure they do care but just don't know how to show it.

Do what's best for you at the time.

Thanks. I'm sure they didn't mean to be insensitive.

I'm just worried that not meeting the baby will reflect badly on us. 😞

OP posts:

PMAmostofthetime · 02/08/2022 11:49

@Conundrum12345 not if they know what you have been through. They will understand x

EL8888 · 03/08/2022 13:50

I think you need to put yourself first. If it will be hard and upsetting then why do that to yourself. Especially if they are not ones to make effort

Watermelonsugarbye · 03/08/2022 20:45

Send a card and a gift, see the baby when you feel ready Xx

Gracie2021 · 04/08/2022 09:10

My "friend" is about to have a baby in the next couple weeks and I've decided to post a present and card to her and won't be visiting. It will reflect badly but I've decided I'm ok with that.

I use "friend" above as the situation seems quite similar to you in that the care and sensitivity I've shown her has decidedly not been reciprocated to me. And for me it's been a bit of a watershed moment about a friendship a couple people warned me previously was a bit one sided.

So I've decided to be selfish and put myself first and I'm not going to feel any shame about it. I know it's harder when it's family and there's usually more politics etc involved but really think you need to put yourselves first especially when you've gone above and beyond for them before. There should be some understanding if ye need to withdraw a bit now. Best of luck with your transfer too.

Dochas12111 · 04/08/2022 09:56

Ive learnt It’s important when going through infertility to put yourself first and not put yourself through unnecessary stress to be nice to others. If your DH doesn’t want to visit for a while then I would send a generous gift and card and if you’re doing a FET say you are in the middle of treatment but will visit as soon as you can, can’t wait to see baby etc. I found this a useful approach - making the effort without having to see baby.

That said I did find visiting babies a lot easier than pregnancy announcements but everyone is different and you have to do what’s best for you.

Re people being insensitive. If they are generally good people it could be worth giving them the benefit of the doubt if you can. I have a good friend I very nearly cut out several times due to being insensitive and making comments - she properly upset me several times. I’ve just had a baby after a very long fertility struggle and she was one of the first round with a beautiful card saying how much she’d been longing for the baby and tons of gifts for both me and the baby and it was clear she was genuinely so happy for me. Turns out she did care she just was absolutely useless at being a friend to me during treatment and said the wrong thing all the time.

Original poster

Conundrum12345 · 04/08/2022 10:20

Dochas12111 · 04/08/2022 09:56

Ive learnt It’s important when going through infertility to put yourself first and not put yourself through unnecessary stress to be nice to others. If your DH doesn’t want to visit for a while then I would send a generous gift and card and if you’re doing a FET say you are in the middle of treatment but will visit as soon as you can, can’t wait to see baby etc. I found this a useful approach - making the effort without having to see baby.

That said I did find visiting babies a lot easier than pregnancy announcements but everyone is different and you have to do what’s best for you.

Re people being insensitive. If they are generally good people it could be worth giving them the benefit of the doubt if you can. I have a good friend I very nearly cut out several times due to being insensitive and making comments - she properly upset me several times. I’ve just had a baby after a very long fertility struggle and she was one of the first round with a beautiful card saying how much she’d been longing for the baby and tons of gifts for both me and the baby and it was clear she was genuinely so happy for me. Turns out she did care she just was absolutely useless at being a friend to me during treatment and said the wrong thing all the time.

I suppose its more the lack of support from them. Never checking in with us even after our miscarriages

OP posts:

Dochas12111 · 04/08/2022 11:26

@Conundrum12345 you know yourself if it’s that they don’t care or that they didn’t know what to say and it’s totally ok to act accordingly in terms of what effort you make. I myself have said to a friend who had a miscarriage ‘at least you can get pregnant’ as I couldn’t get pregnant but I know now it was an awful thing to say. I apologised to her about a year later for saying it. So people can do the wrong thing while still caring is just what I’m trying to say.

But it’s not up to you to facilitate them either way. You need to do what’s best for yourself and your DH. If that’s not seeing the baby for a while then that’s what you need to do and don’t worry about what anyone thinks.

Very best of luck with your FET.

Original poster

Conundrum12345 · 04/08/2022 17:23

Thanks all for your messages. Do you think it would be wise to text before saying we wish them well however in the middle of treatment so won't be able to meet the baby when it arrives or just wait?

OP posts:

LongerthanMrTicklesarms · 04/08/2022 21:58

I'd wait, and only share what you are comfortable with. If they are generally insensitive that combined with the joy of their new addition might make them say other things, and you'd be considered the worst in the world to say anything back to new parents.

Also the timing of your FET may change if hormone levels need to be tweaked or your endometrium takes longer to be thick enough so I'd play it by ear.