Returning to work after tfmr

[Lemoncake5]

Hi,

i had a tfmr at 18 weeks on 16th June. Physically I’ve completely recovered but i have been off from work since 6th June , basically when we found out we were told baby was not compatible with life. This was an IVF baby and i was under the clinic for a year and my workplace knew this. Anyway i go back to work tomorrow. Im a secondary school teacher and we break up next Wednesday anyway. I fly out the following day as well for a much needed holiday. Anyway i dont even know why im posting this but how did anyone else feel when they returned? I didnt tell anyone really and only my boss and hr and line manager know. But I know i looked quite big when i left only to now return looking ‘not pregnant’. I dont want anyones sympathies and im also annoyed now il be back to treatment/ transfer in September when really I would have been gearing up for maternity. I hope my workplace wont be difficult with me resuming treatment again… then again i never missed days except just for retrieval and transfer but we have frozen embryos so itl just be a couple scans and transfer day. Its not as fresh for me now and i know there was no way baby would have lived im just gutted it took so much time away from me and robbed me of my enjoyment if i do get pregnant again. I hope everyone tomorrow just gets on with their busy day ( a lot of staff are leaving) . Ive been keeping myself busy and thats really helped plus the next steps are in play and i have my consultation review in 3 weeks when i return from holiday ready to prep for next transfer! I can sit and cry all say if i wanted its exhausting but it wont change anything and time is passing by so quick so i need to just move foward with it. These things happen and we have to pick ourselves up and carry on. I have to stay positive!

Hi @Lemoncake5
I couldn't read and run on your post without sending you a massive virtual hug and wishing you the best for tomorrow!

I had a TMFR at 14 weeks, 18 months ago. It was that cliché 'miracle' pregnancy the month before we started IVF after 2.5 years TTC.
There is no easier or harder version of this outcome for anyone, but it feels especially cruel for yours to have been an IVF baby on top of everything.

All I can say from my experience was that I was really apprehensive going back to work, my boss and one close colleague knew, and were so kind, but otherwise I didn't share, although I'm sure news got around.
The day to day distraction of work and general chit chat really did make me feel better, even when people asked where I had been, it somehow just became easier to gloss over with simple answers and not let myself or my mind go back to the torment of what really happened.

I've took alot of comfort in the following months listening to The Worst Girl Gang Ever podcast, sometimes just having a good cry with my headphones in really did make me feel better, and I was so inspired by how strong woman are.

The milestones will be hard, as I'm sure you already know: your due date, Mother's Day and the anniversary of your TMFR, but you'll get through it and then those 24hrs are over and you push on.
Try to be kind to yourself. I remember crying and feeling so guilty because I said I wanted a large glass of an expensive ice cold rosé wine..
I really beat myself up about it, because I would have happily given up wine forever to have a different outcome, but looking back, I was just being so hard on myself.

The best advice I was given was to not fall into the traps some women lay out for themselves, such as aiming to be being pregnant again by the due date, or within a year or whatever.

We started the cycle of IVF 6 months after the TMFR and the waiting infuriated me. Three FETs later I did get a BFP, the shine has definitely gone, but it can happen. Hopefully I can tell you in a few months time that the anxiety gets better and you can enjoy being pregnant again.

Wishing you the very best for your next transfer! And for the next week in work, just one day at a time 💐💐

Thank you so much for your reply. I think it has gotten much easier but the first two weeks were just terrible i couldnt even get out of bed but here i am now getting up and tidying and cleaning. Im passing the time by looking for work from home jobs. If its anything ive realised alongside ivf treatment its the flexibility of WFH is much easier.
I wont forget the date i had my tfmr. But its easier for me i suppose when theres a plan in place. Im just glad we opted for the multi cycle package. Im relieved that Summer break starts next week i think it conincides with our restart of the next ivf cycle. Its just the initial steps of getting up early driving to work and thinking i was pregnant the last time i drove to work little things like that but im trying my best to turn those thoughts and think more positive. If we get pregnant next cycle il have a summer baby which would be amazing or itd be great timing for maternity leave etc etc. i know my baby just had 0 chance of surviving its just frustrating why it had to proceed til 18 weeks…

I had a TFMR in December. I’m so sorry you’ve been through this - it’s the worst club to be in. I went back to work about a month after the termination. It was actually a relief to be kept busy and only my line manager and co-team lead knew, so it was nice to be talking about something else other than the baby and the loss.

I did fall into all of the traps - thinking about the “before I knew” time and torturing myself (“you only had 48 hours before everything changed forever”), thinking I could have caused it. Also the setting of deadlines to get pregnant in March so we wouldn’t go through another Christmas childless (the diagnosis came 5 days before Christmas and the TFMR on NYE) and then when that didn’t happen, pregnant by the due date. I think initially I saw the loss as a delay or interruption to getting our baby (it was our first pregnancy) and it took a couple of months for it to fully register what we had lost and that I had a right to grieve fully for our son before starting on another TTC/pregnancy journey. Be kind to yourself, it’s a massive trauma and it is ok if it takes you longer than you think to feel right or normal again.

We are going through IVF at the moment to try to conceive our rainbow. It’s good to focus on next steps and have hope for the future. Just don’t set any arbitrary time limits. X

OP, I had a missed miscarriage after IVF in January. It’s extremely traumatic to lose a baby both through miscarriage or TFMR; and especially after all the pain we go through of infertility and IVF.

In terms of going back to work, for me I’ve found work has actually helped me a lot, I am also a teacher and have found that the normality of work and feeling useful has made a big difference to my mindset. I went through a period of not wanting to do my usual jogs or anything active at all. My miscarriage was on Boxing Day so ‘luckily’ I got to hibernate over the Xmas period. But I’m glad I have work to focus on right now as we did another retrieval in April and have one embryo from that retrieval which we are going to transfer in September. I’m scared about it not working, when I’m not teaching it consumes my thoughts so much more.

I appreciate you asked about TFMR so I hope this is useful and relatable. I know I can’t fully understand though. Sending big hugs and hugs to all the IVF warriors on this thread. One thing I’ve learnt from all this pain is I’m stronger than I realised and that’s good to know if nothing else.

Forgot to say also, the reason we are doing our transfer in September is because I couldn’t emotionally deal with a transfer sooner. After the second egg retrieval I knew I needed a break - to reset myself before the real anxiety
begins again - from transfer onwards. Last time we had endless scans that were showing poor growth before the miscarriage began and I can’t deal with that again so soon.

Part of me thinks by delaying, if this transfer doesn’t work then I’ve ‘wasted’ 6 months. But the other part of me thinks, I can’t keep going at lightening speed on this journey. It’s too traumatic. And I felt I needed time to feel ‘normal’ again which I’m starting too. I would definitely advise to allow yourself that time to regain your energy if you need to. Sending support x