How to tell my friend I'm pregnant

[irishgem92]

Just found out I'm pregnant and my close friend and her husband are waiting for IVF after TTC for 3 years. I found a secret social media page of hers where she posts about how difficult it is for her to be around pregnant people. She doesn't know I know about it. We're going on holiday together when I'll be 11 weeks and likely starting to show and not drinking etc.

How should I tell her? Should I tell her before we go or risk that she'll guess when we're away?

@irishgem92 it’s so hard, I’m sure she’ll be really so happy for you, but at the same time dealing with her own pain & grief. If it were me, I’d appreciate my friend telling me in advance. There are loads of articles out there giving advise on how to tell someone who’s going through ivf- essentially not to tell them in person and not to send photos of the scan etc out of the blue / unless they ask. The fact you’re thinking of them shows what a great friend you are. Hope all goes well

@irishgem92
I'm in your friend's shoes 4 miscarriages, I fall apart when someone tells me there pregnant, not that I'm not happy for them I'm just sad for myself of how my body has failed me 4 times and I must be getting punished for something in my past life, but best way I like to be told is over text so I can take it in on my own and don't have to pretend to be happy when really I'm dying inside.

But don't send her any details or scans, and let her reach out to you when she is ready to talk, you might not get a reply straight away and that's OK, and I avoid pregnant women myself and babies took me 4 months to meet my new nephew.

I used to cry with pregnancy announcements.

I lost contact with my very good friend as I had a mc at the same time she fell pregnant. The pain of her continuing pregnancy was too much for me to be exposed to regularly. We are back talking now. With infertility, it’s so painful you have to withdraw and protect your mental health sometimes

I would definitely tell her by text. Be prepared she may want to pull out of the holiday. In fact, I would suggest it to her along the lines of you fancy doing it another time etc to give her a get out option.
she’s voiced her struggles with pregnant women and to have to see your bump etc on a holiday (and with her partner there) will probably be too hard

You’re a good friend to think about her feelings like this

@Notmyzoonotmymonkeys im sorry for your losses, have you looked into immunes. Pm me if you like

I'm sorry for your losses @Notmyzoonotmymonkeys 🥺 💐

Thank you all for the advice it's really helpful. Judging from what she has posted on her social media I don't think she'll be able to be happy for me or spend any time with me and that breaks my heart. I've been praying for her to get pregnant before me but it just hasn't happened.

Wishing you all the best of luck with your TTC journeys 💕

@Ziggazagga
Had all the fertility tests all came back fine except to low vitamin d so on a high dose of that, I'm now 9+4 days pregnant and had two scans and had strong heart beats both times, on 800 progesterone a day one morning one evening just hoping this little one sticks around, have never seen a heart beat before, so great to get that far, have heard miscarriage rate falls after seeing a heartbeat.

@Notmyzoonotmymonkeys that’s great news, hoping that you have a wonderful 9 months and get your 🌈

I'm just going through IVF after 3 years of infertility so a similar spot to your friend. I would echo the advice to tell her in a message instead of in person (well in advance of the holoday) and expect it may take her a few days to reply.

That said I would not necessarily try to predict her reaction. People are capable of feeling multiple things at the same time - I've certainly felt devastated for myself when my friends announced their pregnancies, but simultaneously I was happy for them, weirdly they're not mutually exclusive. It is different after all when a friend it's a friend of yours rather than just a random pregnant stranger you see often. Typically my first reaction to finding out is... quite bitter. But time to adjust to the reality before seeing them in person helps. And meeting my friends new babies is actually lovely (though of course not everyone might feel that way).

So the best thing you can do in my opinion is to try to give your friend plenty of time and space, but also don't preemptively withdraw from the friendship just because you think she will react a certain way - she might, she might not. And when you do tell her, I would stay away from that secret social media page of hers - you don't want to internalise that and put that extra pressure on yourself while you're pregnant. You seem like a wonderful and thoughtful friend, wishing you a happy healthy pregnancy! 😊

I'd wait until after the holiday, poor woman needs a good holiday. At 11 weeks you won't be showing much and could dress discreetly?

I agree she needs a holiday @Scottishgirl85 but it would be hideous for her to find out on that holiday.
At 11 weeks OP might be showing, might be throwing up, might be avoiding alcohol or some foods. She might be like my sister and absolutely radiant. Or just exchanging certain looks with her partner. In many years of infertility I have become involuntarily a major symptom spotter in other people.

If friend uses the holiday time to open up a bit about infertility she will feel even worse (and OP that would put you in a tricky position too to be fair).
I would choose not to go on the holiday in her shoes.

@Raizelrea gives good advice too, everyone reacts differently but broadly speaking most people prefer advance text warning of a pregnancy. She may or may not be happy for you initially, but shell probably say she is. Don't read her other social media, for both of your sakes, at this point you know how she feels generally, allow her that private space.