Reality hit... alone when old

[wishitwasaduvetday]

After ten years TTC and many MC diluting that time, a couple of years ago we drew a line under it all and started to come to terms with being childless. It's a process but we got there and have been happy enough for the past year and at 44years old got on with doing all the things our friends with kids wish they could do!

Today I went to a funeral of a family friend who died in his late 60's following a short illness. It hit me that in his illness he had his wife, 3 adult children and 6 grandchildren all there looking after him, loving him and there grieving for him at the funeral. It hit me that I won't have any of that. If my DH goes first, I won't even have anyone to arrange my funeral. It was like another kick in the stomach of facing life childless. I know if I get ill there will be nurses etc. but no one who loves me.

Anyone else here had to accept being childless? Which random things have you struggled to come to terms with.

During... not diluting... this is why MN needs an edit button!

No one?! Surely I can't be the only one coming to terms with being childless on the infertility board?! ☹️

@wishitwasaduvetday I have a feeling that a lot of people here just aren’t at the stage you are at yet, of working towards acceptance, so they don’t want to think about your question. I’m not there yet either.

I just wanted to say that in my family there are people who have completely fallen out with their children, to the point that those children will not visit them in hospital or be at their funeral when they die. These are all good people, both parents and children, they are not evil or abusive, they are mostly just stubborn and opinionated.

So I would say, children are not the answer to life, or to love. Not everyone is capable of unconditional love, and while you probably are, when you have a child you never know who they will become or the choices they will make. Having a child does not guarantee a carer or a mourner, any more than being happily married always does.

I can’t tell you that you won’t be alone at those times, @wishitwasaduvetday , but please don’t forget that there will be others who have had the child you obviously really wanted, who will be just as alone at those times as you may be. And they will not have ever imagined that this could be the case, and so will not have had years to seek out friends, or make connections with others who may be better for you at those moments than anyone else ever would have been. If being alone, uncared for or unmourned scares you, work to make sure you have people in your life who will not leave you alone. I firmly believe those friends will be out there for you and you have time to find them. You have made a breakthrough by considering this now which many people will never make until it is too late for them.

@Iliada I think you've misunderstood my post. I have incredible very close friends, I have a wonderful Neice and nephew. And yes sometimes parents and children fall out, but the norm is that children and grandchildren are the ones who are left behind and come together at funerals.
I've been on MN over ten years now and through all my TTC ups and downs had great support. Including from the infertility board by people in similar boat when I first started to accept being childless.
Giving advice like to a childless person to 'make good friends' is like telling someone who's been TTC for years to 'just relax and it'll happen' . However we'll meaning it's not helpful.

I’m sorry. You obviously wanted sympathy instead of positivity. You weren’t getting any responses and I felt bad that you had been left.

I am not patronising you, I am childless too.

I will not be contributing anymore to this thread.

Not sympathy, empathy from people in the same position. I appreciate you were being kind thank you, but like I said, trying to make the analogy something that you may relate to as someone still TTC, it's like when people who haven't had fertility struggles try and give you advice and you smile politely and inside roll your eyes. As you know, the worst things you can say to people who are struggling to conceive is stuff like, relax! get drunk! Get drunk! You'll have a baby one day! Because they don't understand.

Thank you for trying to be kind.

I understand @wishitwasaduvetday. I’m not at the point you are where I’ve drawn a line under TTC yet but it has crossed my mind. I have never defined myself by becoming a mother, I have a fulfilling career, good friends, interesting hobbies etc., but when I think of a future without children, it seems so pointless. What’s the point of earning good money and owning a nice house if it’s just the two of us rattling around and nobody to leave it to. I try not to dwell on it which is obviously easier said than done, particularly as I’m not at the end of the road yet, but what else can you do. You’ve obviously made real progress in coming to terms with your situation which I really admire and I think when reality hits like this it would knock anyone.

@4F99S1 exactly that. I have a great job, great friends, fun hobbies, but I think you just get to a point in your life when you just think 'what's the point?' . It sounds very bleak I know, but society basically revolves around family. I stand on the edge and have nothing to contribute when everyone is talking about kids, and because most people do have children they don't even realise how alienating it can be. I have a dog, obviously it's not the same and you see from some of the nasty threads on MN how mothers can be very dismissive of childless peoples relationships with their pets. No matter how many hobbies and however great my career is, the fact is being childless is a hard thing to navigate.
Being child free is entirely different... I have a good friend who (unfortunately) lives in another country so we don't see each other as much as we'd like, they think I'm mad for wanting children and giving up on having a fantastic life of holidays and nice things! I wish I could feel more like that!

Hi @wishitwasaduvetday I'm not there yet in terms of acceptance but yes, its shit for you. I'm sorry you didn't have the child you so badly wanted x

@wishitwasaduvetday
I hear you, I have had 4 miscarriages, I'm now 9 weeks pregnant but I know it's going to end, had 2 scans 1 at 6+1 and heart beat and one on Monday there 8+2 with a heart beat, but I just have that feeling its not going to end well have that the feeling the last 4 times and I have been right, my next step is ivf through NHS was meant to be going through it now but fell before it. If that is not successful and I have any frozen embryos my egg dps sperm my sil always said she would carry for me.

Been on there threads where ladies it's not s woman's right to have a child but guess what they have had no problems getting the family's they want so would not be so quick saying that if they where in r shows.

I wish you all the best xx