Accepting my infertility

[wannabemum38]

Apologies for long message but I dont have anyone to talk too who can understand what I'm going through.
So I've been trying to get pregnant for a few years. I went to doctors who referred me for tests in December 2020. Bloods came back fine nothing to ring alarm bells. Whilst I was waiting for my appointment with gynaecology clinic which was cancelled and rescheduled 3 times I got pregnant which then resulted in a miscarriage last April.
So I went to appointment eventually last September and was given the secondary unexplained infertility diagnosis we all dread. 2nd appointment booked (again been rescheduled once so not got it til June) and need to have bloods and a hysco which I'm dreading.
So I started researching ivf, iui etc and fertility clinics. I attended a seminar with Create and liked the idea of mild IVF and they had an offer for their scan and consultation so we booked one in to try and get some answers.
Had scan yesterday and most of it was positive. They did find a cyst small and outside the ovary so not significant and my lining is good and have healthy follicles. So all positive but my uterus is t shaped. Never heard of this before googled it and it's not great.
Had my consultation today with the consultant. My age (41) and this condition could be large factors in my miscarriage, upon googling since it is a rare condition and does often incur miscarriages and pre term babies. I've had 2 miscarriages.
I have good healthy follicles and a good amount of them especially for my age so my reserve isn't an issue.
For me to have any chance of getting pregnant IVF is way to go its been recommended 3 cycle at a cost of about 15k minimum without extras
We just can't afford it and the likelihood is that I would have to have an operation on my uterus to make it a more normal shape which has its risks.
I'm not eligible for NHS funding in my area as if u have a miscarriage u have to wait 3 years to be eligible and by then I will be past the cut off age of 42.
I'm absolutely devastated to be in this position I know I'm not the only one but what do I do now? What is the point of me if I can't be a mum. I just can't comprehend this is my reality and unless I adopt I won't be a mum. Its just devastating.
Anyway just needed to get it off my chest.

@wannabemum38 heartbreaking read, and I'm sorry to hear you have had to go through this struggle.

Parenthood is but one, sometimes very glamorourised, title that we hold in our lives. Wearing that doesn't make our lives more or less relevant.

Your life is still important and unique. And the absence of children, or having to adopt someone else's child doesn't mean you can't have a fulfilled life.

@wannabemum38 Have you considered seeing a specialist doctor surgeon about your uterus? I was incorrectly diagnosed with a midline septum (ridge in uterus) so then went on to try clomid/letrazole/something else, had my ovaries drilled, all sorts of other treatments, 5 rounds of unsuccessful ivf and then someone on these threads recommended I go see Mr Lower (Harley street) as he's one of the leading experts I believe. He did a saline scan and told me I have a big adhesion acting like a natural coil and didn't have a midline septum at all. I paid for surgery with him (not cheap but far cheaper than all the other treatment I'd already had and could never of worked!) and the next month I was pregnant. I did miscarry, get pregnant again 2 months later and another miscarriage, and am now seeing a different specialist for miscarriage/immune treatment. It's taken 4 1/2 years to get to this point and I wish I hadn't wasted the first couple of years with waiting for nhs tests/appointments. My point is, maybe you don't need ivf.

Sorry, I know that's not about accepting not being a mum. I can't answer that one I'm afraid. It's such a personal thing. Seeing a counsellor is what a lot of people do I think.

I hope you don't mind me offering advice other than what you requested. Sorry if I've caused you more things to think about.

@seven201 No don't apologise thats very helpful. They said if I have an investigative hysco then they will know more alot more about how t shaped it actually is and I have one I need to book next month keep.putting it off cos heard horror stories about how painful it is. I know a tshaped uterus causes miscarriages and I've had 2 but my age was also a factor last year I'm sure.
It's just a little over whelming all this information and advice and decisions and I didn't ever think I'd be in this position. If only I'd known about my funky uterus in my 20s I could have done something about it!

Is the HyCoSy the one where they put dye through your tubes? If so I don't remember that being painful (everyone is different though).

I regret not starting sooner too. I have a six year old (incredibly lucky to have her) and am very nearly 40. Bloody biological clock!

@seven201 Yes that's the dye one. Will hopefully give me a clearer picture.
I don't regret not starting sooner but had a miscarriage at 20 so if they investigated it back then I'd be more aware of whats going on but of course they don't unless u have 3 miscarriages. I didn't meet my partner til I was 37 didn't want kids with anyone before that. Being a woman sucks sometimes