Going through IVF and friendship

[Plonk121]

Hi there,

I'd been waiting to have IVF for 3 years on the NHS - it got cancelled twice. It was tricky waiting because I'd been nervous about it and about possible issues as I got older. I finally got to start my treatment last month, which unfortunately didn't work - my eggs didn't fertilise. It was devastating.

Rewind to earlier this year - my lifelong friend called me as soon as she found out she was pregnant. She was really excited and surprised about how quickly it happened for her. I was happy for her but I won't lie, it also stung (which made me feel like a villain) but I sucked it and showed excitement. Our next phonecall was an hour of her talking about her pregnancy without asking me if it was ok for me - she knew what I was going through waiting for IVF. I sucked it up but cried when our call ended. I avoided her next request for a usual phonecall a couple of weeks later, I needed space and didn't want a repeat of our last convo, but didn't know how to tell her. This all happened a month before my IVF treatment was going to start. We didn't contact each other again.

I finally text her the other day to update her about the failure and also explain why I hadn't been in contact, that I found our last convo difficult even though I was happy for her. She expressed her anger at me for not replying to her message and told me about how I had failed her as a friend, then blocked me.

Have similar experiences happened between you and friends who have been pregnant?

This is awful! I'm so sorry for what happened to you, unfortunately people who haven't been through infertility or ivf just cannot relate. I think you need to try and explain to her in a calm and non-accusing way that you are going through a tough time and how you are feeling. It sounds like she just can't or doesn't understand.

Ive opened up to a few close friends about going through ivf and each time they've just turned the conversation back to their issues and problems, I find people are in general too self absorbed and it's difficult to find friends that really understand! I take great comfort in listening to fertility podcasts and joining communities on social media instead as they all understand! Sending love to you xox

Hi everyone, wannabe mum here. I’ve been struggling with fertility. Finally got an IVF referral from my GP and it’s been declined as I had a miscarriage…. It seems my CCG (Bristol) says you have to wait 2 years after one and this will take me over 40. Can’t find anything online about this… just wondering if anyone else had come across this. Feels pretty rough…

Oh gawd… think I just posted my question as a reply… new on here…. Just to say, I hear you @Plonk121 i haven’t experienced this but know only too well the struggle of being pleased for friends but also managing my own disappointment and trying to navigate all of this. Sending solidarity…

@Plonk121 Oh gosh… I don’t know your/your friend’s age and how close you were but she seems a bit detached from reality. To be honest I think that people ought to be sensitive enough to not blab too much about their pregnancies with friends who’ve been struggling. I feel guilty saying this but I cannot see a pregnant woman or hear about a friend being pregnant without feeling real jealousy now. I don’t look at my instagram anymore as I feel everyone around me but me have successful pregnancies and babies, and I think my friends kind of get it now. I don’t want to talk about my treatments, they don’t ask me and don’t tell me about other acquaintances babies or baby showers. It can be seen as some being the selfish person not enjoying my friends’ happy moment, but at the end of the day it’s also my own mental health and feelings there, and I want to preserve myself from that pain. If my friends are to insensitive to blame me, I think they shouldn’t be my friends. But luckily for me everyone around understands and respects that. Maybe tell your friend, how would you feel if your mum had just died and you were mourning and I was calling you everyday to talk to you about my upcoming wedding and ask you to be happy for me? Wouldn’t she consider that rude, insensitive? Well, it’s the same thing here. You’re not mourning someone’s death, but you’re not in a place in your life where you can rejoice properly in her news.

Don’t beat yourself up and think about you, you, you. It’s a difficult enough process. You need to take care about yourself!

It's tricky. I feel happy for friends who have had babies etc, but they've been more considerate and haven't expected much from me considering what I'm going through. It is very difficult to see other pregnant women/mums, not so much because of jealousy but because personally, it puts pressure on me and I feel like I've failed as a woman or I'm running out of time. Sorry to hear you've gone through a similar thing.
In all honesty, nothing compares, but I suppose it's more like if someone's mum died and their friend went on about plans with their living mum and how great it was that they were alive.

(Hi Amelia)

@Poppy9991 It's tricky. I feel happy for friends who have had babies etc, but they've been more considerate and haven't expected much from me considering what I'm going through. It is very difficult to see other pregnant women/mums, not so much because of jealousy but because personally, it puts pressure on me and I feel like I've failed as a woman or I'm running out of time. Sorry to hear you've gone through a similar thing.
In all honesty, nothing compares, but I suppose it's more like if someone's mum died and their friend went on about plans with their living mum and how great it was that they were alive.

(Hi Amelia)

@newbienel Thank you so much, sending love to you too xxx

@Plonk121 I'm so sorry to read this. You are certainly not the villain of this piece and I'm sorry you felt like that. It's pretty inevitable that pregnancy news stings when you are going through infertility, especially if it's someone close. I don't think I've ever heard anyone going through infertility say they've not experienced that and lots of us have to distance ourselves from pregnant women and those with young children to protect ourselves during the process. In showing excitement and then listening to her talk at you for an hour about her pregnancy despite knowing about your struggles, you have already given her more support than I would have managed.
It's true that it's very difficult for those who have not experienced infertility themselves to understand the extent of the impact it has. However, I think in your friend's position most people would display a bit more sensitivity if they just possessed an average level of emotional intelligence and empathy. I can see it would be easy for her to get swept up in the excitement of finding herself pregnant, but I think her response when you contacted her to explain how difficult you were finding things is completely unreasonable. I do not think you are under any obligation to explain yourself further or attempt to mend things.
Infertility and IVF is hard. I've had times when I've not responded to child-free friends messages for weeks because I'm feeling depressed or overwhelmed and they've always empathised and reassured me they understand.
You come across as an empathetic, generous friend. I'm glad you have other friends who have been more considerate and I know it's hard but if I were you I would focus on them and other people in your life who at least try to be sensitive to your feelings and try to forget about this particular friend unless or until she is ready to apologise because you deserve to have supportive people around and shouldn't have to expend energy on worrying about this person- you've done absolutely nothing wrong here

It's normal for all of us having those feelings you're having. Last year after a MMC after TTC for 3 years, I completely stopped social media, friends and relatives just kept popping babies, it was too much. I live overseas so the main contact is through social media.

Try to get new friends that are childless by choice or nature; or with older children (teenagers).

People don't/can't really understand what we go through. i was talking to one of my best friends about wanting to apply for a promotion but couldn't because I didn't think I would be able to handle that extensive workload and OT and do IVF at thr same time... She kept going that I could so it all given that fertility treatments are just taking a daily pill. Very easy 🙄. And she's a physio who is supposed to know a bit more of medical issues.

It's so tough, I'm going through IVF myself right now and do find it hard as I'm at the age where there's a pregnancy announcement every other day it seems.
It sounds like this could have been avoided though as your friend is in a vulnerable place too, she's excited and probably scared as she's going through a huge change. She probably feels you abandoned her when she needed to talk.

I know you didn't, it's incredibly difficult to deal with other people's pregnancy and baby talk when it's all you want for yourself.
She possibly just didn't realise how difficult it would be for you. Those who aren't faced with infertility won't have done the research into IVF and the stress, heartache and statistics behind it all. She might need to actually be told how hard it is for you otherwise it's easy for her and others to be innocently unaware

@ChristmasJumpers How tone-deaf.

I'm really sorry if you took it that way 😦, I didn't mean to.

I was trying to see it from both sides. I have friends who just don't know how hard this process has been. My best friend told me to try to relax as stress stops you getting pregnant!
I just meant to say that if your friend doesn't realise how tough this all is for you, she wouldn't have known why you stopped being able to talk to her.

Sorry again 😔

@ChristmasJumpers its fine, we’re prob going through different experiences and it’s been a traumatic week with the bad news and then the loss of that lifelong friendship. I just needed space after that last conversation with her because I knew telling her that I couldn’t keep having lengthy pregnancy convos wouldn’t have gone down well with her. I know ignoring someone’s message isn’t the best choice, but i didn’t know what to say as I knew she’d blow up. She did know about the worry and disappointment that I had gone through IVF, so I was naïvely hoping for a bit of understanding or acknowledgment of the fact that it was a painful topic for me. Anyway, explaining anything more to her would be a lost cause, especially as mentioned, she’s blocked me now.

Err yeah. My “favourite” anecdote is the friend who told me how easy it was for me and she had it much harder with 2 children under 2. Hmm l thought 6 rounds of Clomid and 2 of IVF were tough with no baby but what do l know! She also thinks she had fertility issues -in reality she got annoyed when it didn’t take her a few months, which obviously isn’t fertility issues. Needless to say we aren’t friends anymore. It sounds brutal but take it as a good thing that she blocked you

Hi there, looking for some people who really understand what im going through. Just turned 40, tried two rounds of ovulation induction, no luck. Started our 1st round of ivf in october, got 5 eggs. 4 of them were mature, we wwre recommended to go with icsi but felt we want to tey the old fashioned way. None if them fertilised. Havent had conversations with nurse yet, on my last scan she discussed egg donor. I was so disheartened as i hadnt even dont one round yet. Head is working over time what if i cant have a baby.

@40ivf this is an old thread, you might get more responses by starting a new one. I'm so sorry you're going through a hard time conceiving

Thank you for your response x how is your journey?

@40ivf hi there,

So sorry for your cycles. I recommend that you do another cycle with ICSI. Why did they recommended it? Is it poor sperm motility? We do ICSI too and it's already hard, if we did normal lVF results would be worst.

It may be too soon to discuss egg donor. Due to age I wouldn't wait anymore and do another cycle with ICSI.

They recommend it as they said we had a better chance. I stressed out because my partner is not keen on it. He thinks you're messing with nature too much. He wants to do mire research before deciding, i feel so anxious.