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Infertility

Our Infertility Support forum is a space to connect with others in the same position, discuss causes, treatment and IVF, and share infertility stories of hope and success.

Azoospermatic with children

8 replies

cp3p0 · 25/04/2022 14:02

Struggling to know how to deal with this. Been trying for a baby with my partner for three years. After some initial months of trying I had my bloods done and they were normal and the docs wouldn't do any more tests until my partner did a sperm sample. He dragged his heels on doing his tests for over a year and a half, which caused a lot of arguments. He has children already so I assumed the problem would be with me but I saw him as blocking me from getting my tests by failing to do his. I asked him many times whether he was dragging his heels because he didn't want more children and he assures me he does. Anyway, he finally did the test and it came back with zero sperm, which was a shock. He had to wait another three months for a repeat to confirm the diagnosis. We now looking at IVF with extraction and that's a whole load more waiting. It's been nearly three years now and we still haven't started the process in part because of how long it takes and in part because he doesn't seem to have any urgency despite me explaining to him that me being in my late thirties means on my side things could go down if we didn't hurry up (to put it into context I was 35 when I met him). What I'm now struggling to deal with is that while I remain childless he is having a great father, child relationship with his kids and often ditches plans with me to spend time with them. I find I can't reasonably challenge this with him as it'll be taken as stopping him from seeing his kids, all the while I have to suck it up and watch him play dad while I remain childless. It's devastating to be honest and I'm left wondering whether I'm going to miss out on my opportunity to have children by staying with him. I've talked to him many times about making it a priority and nothing changes. Anyone else out there in the same position?

OP posts:
AccommodatingAlice · 25/04/2022 19:04

He has children, dragged his heels for a sperm test but, when he finally provided a sample, it came back zero sperm.

are you sure he hasn’t had a vasectomy at some point he isn’t declaring?

cp3p0 · 25/04/2022 20:22

AccommodatingAlice · 25/04/2022 19:04

He has children, dragged his heels for a sperm test but, when he finally provided a sample, it came back zero sperm.

are you sure he hasn’t had a vasectomy at some point he isn’t declaring?

His sperm test showed frustose levels were normal which means no blockage and if it was a vasectomy that'd come up as a blockage so it's not that. The docs suspect some kind of trauma, and because only one testicle was working in the first place apparently that's likely the cause. All his bloods and everything else was normal too. I am feeling incredibly used to be honest, I do everything for him and put him first. Meanwhile he always puts his kids first ahead of me and I am left mourning the children I don't have myself. It makes me feel so sad.

OP posts:
AccommodatingAlice · 26/04/2022 16:27

I see. I think if you miss your chance of having a child then there will be a real possibility of you growing to resent your DP.
Is using donor sperm an option? I know ICSI could be an option, I’ve had several cycles, but that will be more tests, more time, money etc.
only you can decide if it is worth the risk of missing the opportunity of motherhood if you stay with him. It does seem very unfair that he doesn’t want to give this the same priority that you do.
so sorry, I know how it feels to be so very desperate for a baby Flowers

cp3p0 · 27/04/2022 22:52

AccommodatingAlice · 26/04/2022 16:27

I see. I think if you miss your chance of having a child then there will be a real possibility of you growing to resent your DP.
Is using donor sperm an option? I know ICSI could be an option, I’ve had several cycles, but that will be more tests, more time, money etc.
only you can decide if it is worth the risk of missing the opportunity of motherhood if you stay with him. It does seem very unfair that he doesn’t want to give this the same priority that you do.
so sorry, I know how it feels to be so very desperate for a baby Flowers

thank you for your kind words

OP posts:
Cherry35 · 28/04/2022 11:14

Hi Alice,

Unfortunately I know what it feels to be desperate to have a child. I've been doing fertility treatments for 3.5 years without success so far. One of our issues is male infertility and it makes the IVF journey longer.

Having said that I would put the cards on the table with him and give him the ultimatum to either focus on having a child or break up. I started trying at 36 and all doctors were already worried about egg quality due to age then having sperm issues is double trouble.

Your time to have children may pass, age is critical most of the time.

I have a cousin who since her 20's would always say "if by 30 I don't get married I will have a child on my own". By 30, she was pregnant with a baby from a normal temporary boyfriend (not partner or serious relationship), they broke up soon after but she was and still is the happiest because she's a mom.

At this point I would challenge your DP and question him about his commitment to you and your relationship.

Good luck!

BraveryBot9to5 · 22/05/2022 17:42

Sorry, dont understand the fructose thing, i still suspect vasectomy. What a dickhead making you think the problem was yours/could be resolved.

I read yr other thread. Commit to yourself and commit to what you want. Donor sperm. Your own baby. Leave him in the rear view mirror as you get on with your job and life and parenthood 💐

MargaretDaykin · 22/05/2022 18:38

I also read your other thread and think you really need to leave this man. You are giving up on your chance to have children for someone who doesn’t seem to care about you or put you first. AIBU was the wrong place to post people are horrible there. I hope you can find the courage to leave.

Gudbrand · 25/05/2022 11:14

I also read the other thread. You really need to leave him.
He is future faking in every way.
Wanting a baby but dragging heels about tests? Faking
Sort of half-heartedly talking about getting engaged and going on the engagement holiday then not doing until the last minute when you'd been crying all week? Future faking

He does not want to have a baby with you and he does not want to marry you. He will up and off at some point when he finds someone else leaving you devastated.
This relationship is ALL WRONG for you. If it was right you would not spend an entire week on an "engagement holiday" in some wonderful place crying about the lack of proposal.

And as for the vasectomy thing that others have mentioned. I absolutely wouldn't put it past him. I have a friend who this happened to. He talked about wanting a baby etcetc. They didn't conceive naturally. They went for tests, well she did at least, hers showed no issues. His apparently showed none either - who knows whether he actually went or what the results were and whether he lied about them, but after nearly 10 years (and the END OF HER FERTILE YEARS) he finally admitted he'd had a vasectomy when with his previous long term girlfriend.
And he'd spent the whole time FUTURE FAKING - pretending to be gutted about them not getting pregnant. I have no idea why IVF was not suggested or why this didn't happen but probably also had something to do with him and his future faking.
My friend is now early 50s and has never really recovered from this - she has had to come to terms with not having children which was her dearest wish in life.

@cp3p0 Please take heed of this story.

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