The guilt of secondary infertility

[veronicagoldberg]

I know I should be grateful for my daughter, and I absolutely am. I came to motherhood later in life and I absolutely adore her.

But my heart aches for another. All of the influencer mums who had their first at the time I had DD are now pregnant again with their second. An acquaintance is onto her sixth when she can't cope with the five she has.

It's making me bitter and uncharitable. We're starting tests this month, and I had a sliver of hope that the act of making the appointments would mean I got pregnant this cycle.

I know I should concentrate on DD, but I'm just allowing myself a small rant. I desperately don't want her to be an only child, as both DH and I are, and we have such a small family circle. Adoption is out of the question as I'm adopted myself, and I just don't want to go down that route.

Sorry for the self-indulgence. Maybe what I've written will chime with someone else.

Hi @veronicagoldberg. I'm sorry to hear you are having difficulty conceiving a second. How long have you been trying? It's so hard, especially when you see everyone around you having children.
Hopefully the test will provide you with some answers.
I've been ttc our second for over 3 years and still yet to be successful. In that time we have had 3 very early losses and 2 rounds of ivf. Money wise I don't think we can afford anymore ivf. We are on the nhs waiting list but I'm getting older and worried I'm to old now. So I think it is very likely we won't have any other children (have just started giving away of all the baby items we had been keeping so we can start to move on).
Like you I desperately wanted to give my child and sibling. I read so many articles saying how lonely it is for only children and when their parents are older they are all alone with no siblings to help and on their own after there parents are gone. And while I know they are many many very happy only children , I can't help bit think the worse and worry about my child in the future. People also often stereotype only children and I also worry about this.
Thankfully my child has never asked for a sibling so at least that is something- she doesn't seem to be missing one.

@veronicagoldberg I completely understand how you are feeling. We are so lucky to already have one child and we started trying for number 2 when she was just over 1. She is now 4! We ended up going down the IVF route and have just done our first cycle which has amazingly resulted in pregnancy. I'm almost 7 weeks!
My little one started asking for a baby sister last year when she saw all her friends were 'getting one'. I'd ask her want she wanted for Christmas and she'd say a baby sister, pleeeeaaasseeeee mummy. It would break my heart. Earlier this year we were playing and I stupidly hid the teddy up my tshirt without thinking, she looked at my tummy and her face lit up and she said you have a baby in your tummy? I had to say oh no, it's just teddy hiding, and her face dropped. I know there are some people so desperately wanting just one child and it's not happening and that too is heartbreaking, but secondary infertility also hurts so much.
I hope you once you have tests, if there is a problem it's something that can be easily treated xxx

I'm sorry you're having difficulty with DC2 and I understand your need for a 2nd, especially since both of you & your dh are onlychildren. Have you considered having ivf? maybe in some mediterranean country? I know they're quite cheaper there. My cousin had one back home (I'm from italy), and I think it was like half the price of what she would have paid in uk.