Donor Egg - would you tell your family or the child

[Bellabelloo]

If you have used a donor egg (or theoretically, if you did have to use one) would you tell your family? (I feel i am lying as my DS is not their flesh and blood. And i'm wrestling with whether i should tell him. He's seen photos of my pregnant with him, so might never question it, but i have nightmares of him doing a DNA test and feeling lied to. Agh. I'm going round and round in circles!

I understand best practice in terms of child outcomes is to be honest with them from the very start, so it's never a big deal and not a surprise. The challenge is that you can't reasonably ask or expect your child to keep it a secret from others - you have to be ok with that. I appreciate it's a sensitive, tricky situation. But generally, I believe that honesty is the best policy.

It is so important to tell your child and from the start. There are age appropriate books that you can get. Also best to use a donor they can contact when they’re 18.

I believe you have a moral and ethical duty to tell him. You chose this path because you wanted a child and were happy to have no genetic link to him. He didn't.

You absolutely should and must tell your child. When he finds out, which he will, he will know his mum lied to him about where he came from, who he is.
There are a LOT of donor conceived children who have gone NC due to being lied to all their lives and a lot of them say it wasn't the donor that hurt it was the secrets.
Check out "3 makes a baby".

Also you feel like you are lying because you are lying. He will feel like he's being lied to because he has been.
What if it was your mum?

DH and are going down the donor route, our parents know and the child will know and in time we will let the wider family know. You don't have to shout it from the rooftops, but when they do the family tree at school, or have some sort of genetic history taken, etc, it will come up.

@twinsetandpearl

I believe you have a moral and ethical duty to tell him. You chose this path because you wanted a child and were happy to have no genetic link to him. He didn't.

I agree. I have done alot of research on using donor egg and you have to put your child first and really shouldn’t be using a donor if you are not willing to do that. Your child needs to be loved and accepted into the family for who he is and part of that is his genetic heritage. He has the right to know. It luckily sounds like your DS is young so there is time to fix this. Check out defining mum on Instagram. She has lots of good information.

Are you more worried about telling your son, or are you worried about your family rejecting him as those are two quite different issues? I would have thought it would be best to introduce the idea to your son in an age appropriate way so it is just something he's always known and not a big shock when he is a teenager (unless he is already a teenager?)

It is virtually impossible that for the rest of the child's life there will never be anything coming up with DNA testing (whether for ancestry/heritage sites or for medical reasons), or medical history where it is important to give information on biological parents history. Given it isn't something that can be hidden forever, the best thing do is be totally honest from the start (and research shows this too). It's not being from a donor that is damaging, it's being lied to about it. You don't say age but your child clearly isn't a baby if he can see photos- but however old he is, its better to tell now then to wait for it to come out later. The sooner you tell him the less the negative impact.