Secondary infertility - broken after first failed round of ivf

[BlueMumma2018]

Hi,

I have a 4 year old daughter who we conceived naturally after 9 months of trying. We have since been trying for no.2 for 3 years. We found out husband has male factor issues and I have pcos (diagnosed years back). Anyway, after putting it off for so long we started ivf this past month with ICSI. I have just found out that the first fresh transfer has failed. It has hit me so hard and I’m so low, losing hope. I’m terrified of being on this conveyer belt for years and being depressed forever. I want to enjoy my daughter and not dwell on a sibling whilst she’s young and lose all that time being unhappy.

So I’m just wondering for those with similar stories and secondary infertility how long did it take you to get no.2 through ivf? I’m just trying to face reality and know what I could be up against. I have been so naive to think that ivf will just work instantly.. I’m considering a double transfer next time.

Thanks for reading x

Everyone is different OP for me it took 5 rounds of IVF and 4 transfers - miscarriages and ectopics in between - I decided to do short protocol/ natural modified IVF though specifically so I could cycle quicker and did them all in around 18 months. It was financially destroying as well as emotionally. By the end I was ready to stop as felt incredibly guilty about what I was doing to my 4 year old - the time focus money generally being elsewhere. We were finally lucky on our final round (a double transfer and had twins!).

But I remember the total devastation of our first transfer failing - I guess you always think you'll be the lucky one for whom it works first time (and everyone I know had only needed one transfer) and there was a sense of bewilderment and fear I guess when it didn't.
I would say to set yourself a limit - be it money, time or number of cycles (but then again I went over all of my limits!) it's very hard once you are on the IVF train to get off as you continually tell yourself that the next one will be "the one". In the end my "limit" just became simply "no regrets" - I needed to wake in the morning and know I'd given it everything and tried everything I Could (I don't agree with using donors so didn't include that)

I lost both tubes to ectopics so I'll never have a miracle naturally conceived baby - just as many women I know who had IVF work the first time also conceived naturally very quickly afterwards so for Me it was IVF or nothing

Hi @BlueMumma2018 - I'm really sorry you've found yourself in this position and it will take time to heal. Have you ever listened to the Big Fat Negative podcast? It might help you / give you some wise words.

What is the male factor issue? I ask because I often read about this and the NHS v quickly offer IVF rather than fixing the male factor issue x

@twinsetandpearl thank you! Yep I totally thought I would be the one that only needed one transfer, as the same, everyone I knew only needed one. Did it get easier with each failed transfer? I’m hoping I can somehow get used to it I’m just feeling so angry aswell as I have known people with so many more issues and it worked first time/ see people that have got pregnant naturally within the first month of trying. I did have a faith but I’ve been questioning it. So feeling like I’m going mad.

Thanks for sharing your experience it’s really helped, did you do 5 rounds as in egg collections to get the 4 transfers? Thanks 😊

@FlyOnTheWall89 hi! Thanks for that I haven’t listened to it but definitely will.

My husband originally had a reduced count, low motility and 0% morphology. My husband had a varicocele so he had that removed and whilst the count and motility went up I think the morphology only went up to 2 % which is still low. We done that through the nhs, they told me over 2 years ago if his morphology changed they would put me on ovulation induction. I’m still waiting for my follow up appointment with them from that first one in November 2020 so we decided to go private and said clinic advised this ivf with icsi. Although I do always wonder if this is the right way to go.. hope that all makes sense x

It did get easier - I think that first failed transfer really took the wind out of my sails and excitement out of it - it was a hard lesson that IVF wouldn't be the fix I thought it would to our problems and after that it felt like it just became a process - very little emotion involved I suppose. I think I dealt with it by just researching and doing lots of reading on the process and the different options etc so that I could talk to the doctors about it and that way felt like I had some control over what is an otherwise totally out of control thing we have to go through

After a while anger turned to embarrassment really - I'm the only one I know who needed so many cycles and it almost felt embarrassing to admit that yeah we were doing it again when we were planning our lives around treatment. And obviously people who've never needed IVF just don't get it and we're very much like you've done it once it didn't work why bother doing it again

Yes I did 5 egg collections - egg collection then 2 FET on the first cycle, egg collection then FET on the second cycle and then did a 3 cycle package of natural modified almost back to back (so no break inbetween) and did a 4th FET after those (and that was the one that worked)

@BlueMumma2018 has he been taking supplements? We had 0% morphology jump to 9%. My DH takes Proxeed, Vital DHA and pycnogenol. He stopped wearing boxers at night and has been more mindful with eating / drinking. He is generally quite active. Depending on count, morphology isn't super important. Do listen to the various related Big Fat Negative podcasts. It is such a tough journey and I really do emphasise with your feelings. Hugs x