Feeling hopeless

[Hopefortansy85]

This is month 16th or trying and today I got my af. This is the first time I have sat and just cried and cried.
My Husband is 55 and I’m 36. We have been trying since my husband had a reverse vasectomy, he has a son from a previous relationship that I have never met and is in his 20s. ( the reversal worked but he had low sperm and low motility)
We have both lost weight loss in a bid to get healthy since his operation and since New Year’s Eve have lost weight me 2 and a half stone and OH 2st. We have given up any alcohol.
We are going for tests privately later in the month and have also been referred via the NHS for further investigation. but as OH has a son I guess they won’t help us beyond investigating. I’m not sure we qualify for iui.
However I’m feeling so sad and hopeless. We can’t afford ivf but could push to iui.
My husband keeps saying sorry to me every time I get my af . And it breaks my heart because I love him so much I don’t want to make him feel like that. Even as I’m writing this tears are rolling down my cheeks and it breaks my heart a little.
I don’t want this to break us apart in any way.
We both feel bad that we don’t earn much money so we can’t afford to pay for the ivf that may give us our dream baby. we probably wouldn’t even qualify for a loan for the amount to cover a round.
I just don’t know what to do anymore I feel guilty for dragging my husband into this when he didn’t need all of this, even though he says he wants a baby I can’t help feel, at what point in this journey might his mind change.
I also feel guilty I’m driving my mum mad worrying about fertility.
Am I going mad?have we been trying a long time? I’m I being selfish in thinking it’s taking to long when others have been trying years? Do other people feel this hopeless and guilty? Everyone always seems so hopeful in these forums. All I think is I won’t have a baby in the year 2022. It’s not my year already.

Unfortunately doesn't sound like you'd qualify for anything other than cursory investigations on the NHS and given the vasectomy reversal they'd likely just put that down as the explanation?
In terms of affording IVF.....how would you plan financially if you did have a child? I only ask because the cost of giving Up a minimum wage job to be a STAHM is over £1k a month...the cost of full time childcare higher than that...we lived like we had a child for 12 months and put that aside into a savings - that gave us £13k and funded 3 cycles of IVF.

Child care isn’t an issue I work for myself with flexible hours. The last few years with the pandemic and the inflation has really hurt us financially.
If we were to save up that amount of money it would take us 5 years, we might as well give up hope now.
It’s sad I will never get the chance to have a child because my husband had a baby years ago ( he hasn’t seen him since he was a toddler)
The system seems unfair we don’t have any children at home.
I feel like I’m slipping into a black hole I just cry all the time and don’t sleep at night.

Have you checked your CCG guidance? Some will still fiund treatment if you (the woman) don't already have a child?

Unfortunately I’ve read the ones in my area ( my gp didn’t even do that) and it says either partner . You never know there might be a caveat somewhere in there, but I doubt it.
We are both older so we have been put on the scrap heap on the eyes of the NHS.I feel we have been penalised for meeting in later life, I just never met anyone it wasn’t like I put it off for a career. The comments I have had are.. you should have had children in your 20s that’s why your having problems now, over the last two years I’ve had, your infertility is hardly an issue when there is covid and recently look at what’s happening In Ukrainian you are lucky just to be in the uk. And just give it time. All of which I have no response to. We are lucky to have just met each other and be safe but that is a whole separate thing to wanting to start a family and give love to a little person, I feel there is a gap in our life for that and my husband says he feels the same. I don’t know how others feel but sometimes the gap feels like a hole. I’m the last one out of Everyone I know to have a baby. I’ve in-fact just cut off most of my friends as they have just had them and I just can’t cope, I hardly heard from them anyway so I wouldn’t open up to them about how I was feeling if they couldn’t see I was struggling. And I’ve also had last year from a family member which got back to me, well poor people shouldn’t have children anyway..
the person I considered my best friend and knew all our fertility issues didn’t tell me she was trying for a baby then sent a txt on my birthday saying surprise I’m pregnant which I thought was particularly mean she was over 3 months and waited until my birthday to tell me. ( this isn’t the first time she has acted thoughtlessly she used our house on our wedding day as a stopover for a run she wanted to do the next day and we were nearer than she lived,she took the house key off me at 10pm didn’t join in in the evening and left our house at 6am even though everyone was having breakfast together the morning after, my brother came to find me before I walked down the aisle, to tell me that she was going to do this because he knew I’d feel upset when she told me. My brother had cancelled the same run to be with me and oh on our wedding day )
I find the system so uneven it makes it more unjust that if you live in the right area you can have it but if you don’t you can’t.
I’m mildly autistic and this is something that has alway been an issue for me is inequality and not just issues that effect me, but it’s usually to do with systems and how they run unequally. I think we can afford 3 rounds of IUI and then that’s it