Struggling. . .

[beanchopper17]

Today is one of those days filled with desperation and sadness.

Backstory (as brief as possible) - 36 years old, been trying well over 10years, I have PCOS and underactive thyroid. My cycles were super crazy anywhere from 40-110days, I have done a lot of research and the past 6-8months I have taken a long list of supplements (and some prescribed meds) and I happily say I have narrowed my cycle window down to 30-40 days for the past 6 cycles.

NHS refuses to investigate/help as I have a high BMI, I have tried everything to loose weight, but I am an emotional eater so it's a viscous circle.

In 2019 I shockingly got pregnant but lost it at 7 weeks.

Today I cannot stop crying the past 3 cycles I have got faint lines before my period is due but then they fade and period starts. Yesterday I got one of the best positives I have seen since 2019, but today tested negative and period is showing signs it's about to begin (I have included pics of the tests yest).

I am so sad to talk to friends as they all have baby's due soon, my family would prefer I just stopped wittering on about my struggles (cause I am the lucky one not having children 🤦🏼‍♀️). My partner has been mega supportive but I think it's taking his toll on him and he said he doesn't want to know about faint lines anymore.

It's so lonely to be infertile. To desperately want what you can't have, no matter how you do everything right. Especially when those around you just don't understand the emotions that surround it all.

I have been to counselling recently, to help me accept it may never happen but that thought literally hurts me. I can't see a future without me being a mum. Adoption isn't an option as my husband isn't keen and that's not fair on the child.

I am not looking for someone to wave a magic wand, I just need to vent and hopefully there will be someone who empathise or who also feels alone. I hate that infertility is deemed a taboo subject to talk openly about, mainly because it brings up such depressing emotions.

I just want to give you a handhold. That's incredibly tough. I think you're an absolute soldier. Have they investigated why you keep having chemicals?

That's so heartbreaking for you. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's a very lonely place to be. Have you spoken to your GP about having investigations for what are technically very early miscarriages? They might not be willing to do IVF at your weight/BMI but have you asked I'd they'll consider investigating issues surrounding that? Sorry if you have, just a thought.

We've been trying for three years, I have PCOS and we have male factor issues, and I'm in the process of losing weight for IVF referral. It's so hard, especially with PCOS where you're more likely to suffer with depression, mood swings and it's so hard not to emotionally eat. It isn't impossible to lose the weight, but I can sympathise that it feels that way and there's lots of effort for a slow almost painful reward and lots of battling with emotions and mental health, both of which impact weight loss for one reason or another. It feels so shit to be deemed not worthy of NHS help because of your weight. I can understand why, but it feels very personal.

I haven't had any losses, no positives at all here. I can't imagine how that feels. Something must be working if you're getting faint positives, but how frustrating and heartbreaking that they're not sticking for you. If you've been trying ten years and you've had faint positives three cycles in a row, something must be going right in the process. I wouldn't give up hope ❤️

Isn't RPL with high BMI in part due to high BMI correlates to lower progesterone? So just basic progesterone pessaries could make a difference? If GP totally useless could get them through a private clinic, for minimal cost just cost of consult(s) and meds themselves, but its not astronomic! Hang in there ❤️

I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling. I would echo what others have said and, if you haven't already, get some investigations done to see if there's any reason can be found for your chemicals.
Most often an explanation can't be found but there are a number of things that should be tested for as they can sometimes be controlled.

I’m sorry op, I had a lot of losses too . I would investigate, if you haven’t already. Look into immunes issues too, there are many threads on this

Thank you all for your input, sorry for the late response, I have been doing a lot of thinking (and crying) so tried to stay away from all apps for a little while.

I have mentioned the faint lines and my gp says they are too early to investigate. Also my weight/pcos gets the blame.

I am so torn, my logical side says maybe it's time to face facts, I am 37 this year, I have no idea medically what is stopping me from getting pregnant (I know pcos will be playing a part, but I don't even know if I am actually ovulating so this all could be a waste of time) and maybe it's time to just stop.

The tiny bit of hope I have left to be a mum fades each cycle. I don't want to give up but maybe it's a fruitless battle.

I just medically someone would talk with
me, help me get answers! Cause it's one thing being infertile and exhausting all avenues but another being infertile and fighting this alone in the dark!

Lots to decide but I don't know if I am ready to make those decisions!

Those lines seem to be chemical pregnancies....

I'm also overweight and hace PCOS.

I'm doing IVF but i have to go to a private clinic so it's more expensive, but we also have sperm issues.

Some suggesstions:

• PCOS makes me insulin resistance so I take Metformin and Myo Inositol to compensate that. High insulin affects egg quality. A GP should be able to do these tests for you. Metformin needs prescription but Myo Inositol is a vitamin and can find online. Metformin may also help with weight loss. If your GP doesn't do this better change a GP.

• Those faint lines are chemical pregnancies which means it's easy for you to get pregnant and you are ovulating but there has to be a reason of why you are not keeping them.

• Since you can get pregnant on your own you may not need IVF but I'd recommend seeing a Fertility Specialist. There are other much cheaper treatments, IVF is the last option.

• There are vitamins like CQ10, Melatonin, Royal Jelly, etc to improve egg quality. You can read the book "it starts with the egg" for that.

• Like other lady said maybe you need progesterone to keep the pregnancy, if can't get a prescription maybe you can buy the cream online to help.

• I'm also trying low dose aspirin before embryo transfer, apparently it helps implantation, but this needs to be approved by your doctor who will look at your personal circumstances. Aspirin can be dangerous if not supervised.

We are not rich but do tight budgeting to be able to afford IVF.

If you have any question feel free to text me, I may be able to help.

@beanchopper17 I'm so sorry to hear about this. You may already know this but BMI cut offs are higher for private treatment most will treat up to 35 some have no BMI cut off but make assessments on an individual basis. Apologies if you've already ruled this out due to cost but I thought it was worth mentioning.

Morning, im so sorry to hear your struggle and I'm sure plenty of us have been in your position. It's a very lonely place to be when you suffer from infertility. Massive hugs to you.

You GP should absolutely be trying to do something for you. They maybe can't help with the ivf side of things but they can absolutely support you with the PCOS and weight stuff. Ask them to refer you to the weight clinic and they can help with counselling /emotional eating and getting you on the right path. Get you thyroid tested...mine was borderline underactive and I got meds which help control it but it also made me feel more energised and in turn I felt a bit more active and lost a little bit of weight because I was able to do more moving.

If private IVF is an avenue you are interested in, the GCRM clinic is a clinic in Glasgow and I am sure their BMI restriction was under 40. They are part of a wider group so there might be a clinic close to you who could help and could be an option for you. Obviously if you can lose weight that would only increase your success odds but at least the clinic could start investigations around fertility.

Please don't get disheartened. We are all here to support you xx

It's all so difficult to deal with. I'm struggling too, I dont understand what I'm supposed to do or feel... My dh suggested to search for an ivf coach, has anyone tried this?