About to start 1st ivf cycle - feel like putting it off!

[BlueMumma2018]

I’m about to start my first ever fresh cycle of IVF. I have had it ready and waiting to go since October 21 but have found a million reasons to keep putting it off because deep down I am terrified. I’m not scared about the process, just if it doesn’t work. I’m so prone to negative thinking patterns and know as soon as it (possibly) doesn’t work I will start catastrophising and lose all hope completely. It has been rough enough dealing with infertility. We have one healthy 4 year old that we conceived naturally and I’m hoping that gives us better odds but still. I’ve dealt with difficult things by avoiding them all my life.. does anyone have any advice for how they dealt with the uncertainty? Does the heart break destroy you completely?

Does the fertility unit you are dealing with have a counsellor attached? I think it’s probably a good idea to delay starting and work through your feelings.

It took a huge emotional toll on me.

@OMGItsEarly they do have 1 session allocated per cycle I see a therapist already and I’m working through negative thinking etc. But this seems like out of the league of what I can manage ever.
I can imagine it was very hard for you. How did you manage it?
I find the pill turns me mental as it is let alone the hormones I will be taking x

@BlueMumma2018 I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say, you aren't alone. I am starting my first ever cycle a week tomorrow (currently on the pill to control my cycle) and I am absolutely petrified. For the same reason, I'm so scared it won't work and I'm scared I won't be able to cope. I have really struggled with infertility and TTC the last two years. I am trying to look at it positively and have hope, but I'm scared even the hope might be taken away from me. I would say, counselling has helped me and there's a good mindful IVF app that I find relaxing. Xx

@HJen22 ditto, I just took my last pill last night. Thank you, I can’t tell you how comforting it is to hear of someone in the same boat. It’s such a lonely situation isn’t it. I tried to speak openly about it to family and friends as I didn’t want to cope with it alone. But they seem to just tell me it will be fine as they don’t know what to say. I’ve decided to keep it to myself now.
Did you counsellor specialise in infertility? I go to a therapist once per week but she seems hesitant to speak with me about infertility. Ah I have that app too, you’ve just reminded me!
Sending you all the luck in the world

@BlueMumma2018 it is so lonely and isolating. I don't feel like I really fit in anywhere right now, as I'm neither living the child free life holidaying and going out, nor living a life with children. It's hard. I think the pill has made me super emotional too and I just feel so overwhelmed. And tired! Yes my counsellor is through the fertility clinic, I tend to speak to her every 1/2 weeks just now. Luckily I have a session with her today which I really feel like I need. I've a habit of catastrophizing too! Perhaps try and tell your therapist it would be helpful to discuss your feelings around infertility and IVF, given it's such a huge part of your life. Sending you all the luck too ❤️ and here to chat any time. Xx

@BlueMumma2018 hey! I can totally relate! Counselling did help me understand and deal with everything.

My problem was that I was expecting everything to work the 1st time and was putting so much pressure on everything and that was making me freeze... Maybe your reasons are different but having a couple of sessions before starting and having support while having fertility treatments.

Iv gone through one round of ivf , ended up with ohss with egg collection had 2 month break to get over ohss , then went though frozen embryo transfer and that failed , the clinic have been pushy to get another cycle booked in is it bad I just a a little break before booking another ? Been going through infertility for 5 years had 6 failed rounds of clomid previous to this , they said furthest I can push back a meeting to set up a new cycle is 3 months as we are nhs funded , is this right I have to have all 3 of my rounds back to back ? :(

@BlueMumma2018 I really feel for you. I was in your exact headspace before we started treatment and IVF.

We started with clomid for 9 months. I guess it helped to do a ‘gateway’ treatment. Then we did clomid with 2 HCG trigger shots for 3 months.

Finally we decided it was time for IVF. Our first cycle went well and we had a 5AA blastocyst but I miscarried.

We are extremely lucky to have one child already conceived naturally eight years ago. I’ve got to say I’m now seeing this process as a way to come to terms with my infertility. I am so so much happier and more able to deal with my infertility than I’ve ever been which is bizarre because I thought it would break me but it hasn’t.

Nothing was more painful than the years of us trying naturally and it failing month after month and hearing there is no reason because we are ‘unexplained’.

We are in the middle of our second cycle and like our first my eggs are growing very slowly. I actually am glad to see a pattern to it. As if we fail we have a reason and we will know we tried everything we could to succeed to no avail. It’s easier to deal with that than the blind attempts at conceiving we spent years on.

I also now feel incredibly lucky to have our child. And so much more grateful than I think I ever would have if I had easily been able to conceive. I’ve come to terms with the fact DC may never have a sibling which was one of the most painful things for me to have dealt with. I found that incredibly difficult but it’s got much easier through this process. DC is well-adjusted, smart, funny and a very happy child. I don’t think a sibling would necessarily make our lives better, just different. I used to think it was 💯 better to have a sibling and being an only child is just miserable but that was my own experience talking - I am also an only child. Whereas my husband is an only child and has always loved it. I’ve learnt that I was projecting a lot of my fears onto my child and I needed to really see them for what they are - incredibly loved, happy and wanting for nothing.

If we have a baby now we will be absolutely delighted but if we never do IVF has helped me cope with the fact I tried my best but it just didn’t work. So I think it’s win-win.

Sending you so much strength on this journey. I know how scary and painful it is at the start but it will get easier once you’re on it. I find the worst place to be in life is static, IVF is a journey that might end in success or failure but at least you’re moving x x x

Also I want to say ofcourse there is also the part of me which still desperately yearns for a baby, that still feels like our home is deafeningly silent when my only child is at school but it’s now mixed in with acceptance. Before there was no acceptance just anger, resentment and sadness...so it’s getting easier though I’m by no means ‘fixed’ yet...I hope with more time I will get there is if never works out

I know this will be me when the time comes around in August. I didn't know there were councelors available so I'll make sure to ask my clinic! thank you all for sharing!