Secondary infertility - how to not let it take over?

[FloatOnBytheStorms]

Hi

Looking for advice please.

We have one DD conceived naturally 8 years ago. We have been trying to conceive since she turned 4. I recently did IVF which resulted in an 8 week miscarriage.

I don’t want our lives taken over by infertility and IVF. Since the miscarriage we’ve been keeping busy with family activities and spending lots of time the three of us doing fun things together. It’s been wonderful and I’ve got to say I’m dreading doing IVF again BUT I don’t want to let go of the dream of a second child...

My miscarriage was over Xmas and it tainted it. I feel sad that that we weren’t focussed on DD at all. It was our choice to follow this path and do IVF and I don’t want it to be to her detriment.

Please can anyone with secondary infertility advise how you maintain a level head whilst doing IVF and give your existing child all the love, focus and attention? If this never works, I don’t want to remember her childhood as us struggling with repeated IVF cycles when we have this beautiful living breathing child right in front of us. That would be the most tragic ending of all.

Hi @FloatOnBytheStorms

I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. similar to you, we have been trying to conceive for 3 years for a second child. Our first round of IVf was unsuccessful and today I have just had a second embryo transfer.

Can't offer much advice as we are in the same position, trying to navigate ivf whilst not letting it impact upon our child's life which is hard. Never mind the emotional side of things - trying to juggle appointments and child care is difficult. We haven't told anyone we are going through ivf so can't get help from family.
I have felt so much guilt recently as we were going through treatment over Christmas and had to cancel a Christmas event and couldn't attend a bday party due to fear of catching covid. However it took my husband to remind me of all things we still did to realise my child was fine and loved christmas. Im sure you are giving your child lots of love, care and attention, Even if it sometimes doesn't feel that way. Your child will remember of those fun family times you've had.

I don't really think I've answered your question at all, but just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

Have you another round of ivf planned?

Hi, I'll just put my 2 cents in although my situation is slightly different. We have a 7 year old naturally and didn't conceive another child. About 2 years ago we did an ivf consultation but we didn't go ahead with it. The reasons were:

1. My husband wasn't totally on board
2. I was worried about taking my attention away from my dc
3. The expense

I do have the occasional pang and I would love a baby but overall I'm pleased with our decision. IVF is 8000 euro a cycle where I live, so more than one is not affordable. I just decided to throw myself into being the best mum I can be to my dc. I'm focusing a bit more on my career too. I'm nearly 41 so a natural pregnancy is unlikely but never say never, I suppose! So I'm a bit different because I didn't do IVF but I can relate to 2ndary infertility.

Hi sorry your going through this. My ds was 9 when we were going through ivf and I tried to make it as normal al as possible for him. Most of my appointments were when he was in school so he was none the wiser. I made the choice of not telling him because i didnt want him be disappointed if the ivf didnt work. I made sure to do things with him everyday, even when I was absolutely tired. During ivf I tried not to focus on it which I know is easier said than done. I'd keep my routine as normal as possible. I only told close family members because I didn't want all the texts of how is going etc which I know sounds awful but I just wanted to feel normal if that makes sense. I was much more relaxed than I thought I would be though it certainly wasn't easy. I have also had a misscarriage which is the nost awful thing a women and couple can go through. It took over my life for a very long time but i knew there was nothing i could do about my situation and we made a plan do go for ivf and freeze embryos if we could incase it didnt work and we knew we got another chance. My ivf worked and I now have my gorgeous little dd. I know I might not have answered your questions but as pp said your not alone. Good luck and take care of yourself and your family most importantly.

Just wanted to post some support. We have only been TTC baby no 2 for just over a year but after two early miscarriages it is hard to try and keep positive. I feel guilty for all the time I spend worrying about TTC and not being present with my daughter. Think IVF maybe our next step but like you will struggle to parent and so IVF. Sounds like you’ve been doing a great job doing lots of family things so go easy on yourself, it’s so hard.