Coping with jealousy

[Gsr14]

Hi all,
(Quick background: TTC for 3 years, infertility due to partner having oligozoospermia. Round of ICSI IVF in July 2021 with failed fresh transfer and then 1 successful frozen transfer in October 2021 which ended in a miscarriage at 8 weeks in early December. 4 frozen embryos left and set for next frozen transfer in March.)

I feel like with all the rubbish that infertility brings and all the pain and heartbreak I’ve been through in the last few years I have been able to stay fairly strong through all of it.

The bit I struggle the most with though is how sour and jealous I feel when I hear someone else’s happy baby news. For me it’s the worst because I want so badly not to feel this way and be happy for those people but it’s honestly like I have no control over my emotions. Today I just found out my neighbours are pregnant with their first baby and the amount of angry and resentment for them is unshakable, I’ve been livid all day and can’t seem to shake it. They are a lovely couple who we don’t even know that well and I want nothing more than to not feel this way towards them (for all I know they could have had all the same struggles). I don’t know what it is about this that makes it feel so much worse than any other time. Perhaps it because it’s the first time I’ve heard baby news since my miscarriage or maybe the proximity is getting to me (the idea of seeing them all the time with what we are so desperately longing for).

I know I’m being completely ridiculous so just need some help setting this all straight in my head and coming back down to earth!! If anyone has some pearls of wisdom to cope with this sort of situation it would be massively appreciated!

I am so sorry to hear about your struggle and just wanted to message to say you are not alone. Infertility is horrible and no one would understand unless you are going through it.
My husband and I been TTC 2.5 years. I cried everytime when there’s pregnancy announcement. As you said, I am extremely happy for them but just feel sorry for myself and I think that is perfectly normal. I found it helpful to use this feeling as a motivation to get me out of bed for walks/ exercise, eat healthier and hopefully one day it will be our turn! Stay positive and remember you are not alone xx

@Gsr14 I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles and your recent miscarriage 😢 I cannot begin to imagine that heartbreak.

You are not alone. Please know that ❤️ We have been TTC for coming up to 2 years and we're about to start our first round of IVF. I cry when I hear and see announcements and recently cried a lot (when I tried so hard not to) when my step daughters mum had a baby. I also feel terribly guilty every single time I have these feelings of jealousy and bitterness as it's a horrible feeling and not one I ever imagined having.

Have you had counselling offered through your IVF? I do and she always tells me that these feelings are normal. We are going through such hard times trying to create our little families, be kind to yourself xxx

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage. TTC 4 years here, 3 failed IVF cycles, honestly I feel exactly the same as you and I'd love not to but I can't control it either. Someone described it as suddenly developing a new allergy to something you used to love, you'd love not to feel that way but can't control the tight chest, difficulty breathing, eyes watering.
I agree with counselling if you haven't looked into that already. I try to do things I enjoy to take my mind off it, some days are easier than others though. You're not alone Xx

Thanks for all your kind words and suggestions, we have had one counselling session through our fertility clinic which my partner and I didn’t find that helpful (I think we just didn’t click with the counsellor and he went off on a few tangents that neither of us found very relevant).
I might look into seeing if there is another counsellor I could try not through the clinic. Does anyone have a recommendation on what type to look for and how I would find someone?

@Roo45 I think the allergy metaphor is great, it really does feel like it happens over night and then you spend all your time trying to avoid triggers.

Forums like this are so great to make you feel like you aren’t so lonely in all of this. We only know one person who has had IVF and it worked first time so don’t really have anyone in my life I can talk to who can relate.

Can't offer much to help just letting you know I feel same way. I now avert my eyes if I see a baby park, street, bus, airport anywhere. Any age young kid gets me a bit but small babies I have a visceral reaction :( Right after my IVF chemical it was unbearable, but now that I have started another round of IVF its not as intense- even had a toddler at the airport playing on/around me without secretly dying inside last week!

Unfortunately I don't have any kind of advice to give you, but I felt the same after 1st round of ivf with only one embryo that ended in a chemical. I was so angry that I gave up all the social media bullshit. I started avoiding people, I refused to talk about others and their babies. After a while it got better, I stopped feeling jealous about others. I went to a few baptism parties and I was suprised to see that I was ok, it actually gave me a bit of hope. Then on my second round last year I got 2 embryos, one was BFN and one is still frozen. I was more hopeful than the first time and the fail took a toll on me. I was devasted and obsessing about what happened. I started therapy and AD. Now I feel a bit better, I am pretty sure the meds are helping me and also the break I am taking before the next FET as I have to see an immunologist later this month. Meanwhile, I am trying to live the life I used to live before the whole TTC journey started. (You know the small things le that we often forget about because of the infertility rollercoaster). I personally hate this journey. I wish no woman had to go through such pain and sorrow. It's absolutely horrifying.
The feelings you have are normal, there is no need to be tough on yourself. Also, you are safe here! Hugs!

I think the only logical way to process it, is to be mindful that it is the proximity to you that is the issue more than the act.

What is happening is just a natural normal event that is of general little significance. There's 7.5Bn+ people on the planet, majority of which crowned via a vagina. In a hundred years us, and our children will all be gone and the next 8Bn will be here.

Though a blessing for them, and maybe a curse for you, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter. Don't let the proximity convince you otherwise.

I could have written your post! I am not coping with ttc at all, everyone I know is pregnant - sister, sister in law, cousin, best friend. I cannot even bring myself to talk about their pregnancy I pretend it’s not happening. I don’t think anyone who isn’t currently going through this understands which is even more difficult