How to speak to friend

[milkieway]

So we went through IVF which we were lucky worked and we had a Child. We went through a lot of heartache and grief before this point

Anyway a family member is now also going through infertility- she is struggling so much and has had a really difficult time - I've been there to just talk with her and hopefully offer what support I can

I'm at the point where I'm ready to TTC again to try for a sibling - which means more fertility treatment for me now too as we can't conceive naturally

I just feel so guilty and don't want to do the wrong thing by her - as she finds pregnancy announcements or anything baby related understandable really tough at the moment - I would feel bad not telling her I'm going to TTC as it's like hiding something - but do I need to add to her heartache by mentioning it as it might not even be successful for us?

Thankyou for reading and apologies if not appropriate on here I wasn't sure where to post but do really appreciate any thoughts or advice as even though I do understand what it's like going through infertility I'm just still worried about getting this wrong for her

Realised I titled this post "friend" I should say really this family member is a distant relative but one of my best friends really

I'm also lucky in that IVF worked for me, and it's strange isn't it that, as soon as that happens, you know you're a trigger to the people who are just like you were. I also find it difficult to speak to women with fertility issues sometimes, I think more so because I know exactly how they feel, so I know how they'd feel about my baby or my pregnancy etc. and I never want to make anyone feel that way. Your friend is lucky to have someone who can empathise with her though and who cares enough to question what's best.

I think it's impossible to know for sure what your friend would prefer, but I would probably tell her if I were about to start fertility treatment again. I think that's not as difficult as a pregnancy announcement and gives her as much warning as possible. If it works and you have to tell her out the blue that you're pregnant, that has to be worse I would think, especially because she might think you hid it from her.

Good luck with your fertility treatment. I hope you have the same good fortune again 🤞

I think it would be easier to hear that you're TTC rather than not knowing and then getting hit by a pregnancy announcement.

One way you might be able to raise the subject with her could be to ask her for some advice if you're going to be having fertility treatment and she's having or has recently had treatment herself (depending on how long ago your own treatment was, of course). That might help her feel like there's a positive role for her in supporting or helping you, rather than just being the recipient of bad news. From my own experience, I hated the overly sympathetic "breaking bad news" approach (which just made me feel like people pitied me and that made me feel worse), but when someone came and said "I'm going to be re-starting fertility treatment and was wondering if you might be able to help me with [insert decision/question]", I felt much more able to be involved and like my own experiences were able to help others. Everyone's different of course, that's just what I found.

@milkieway I think you should tell your family member that you're about to commence IVF again. I am having IVF but unfortunately to date it has been unsuccessful, if a family member told me they were going for IVF having had it in the past, I wouldn't find that triggering, you may be going through treatment at the same time and could support each other.

Hi @milkieway

I think it's fair to say that this is a tricky situation to be in. However, I'd agree with those above that it's probably best to tell your friend that you're considering doing treatment again. I'd say it's better that she knows now rather than finds out with a pregnancy announcement later. I also agree with @Gardenlady543 that I wouldn't find it triggering if a friend, who'd already had to do IVF to have their first child, told me they were going to do treatment again. I'm currently going through treatment (no baby yet) and a very close friend of mine (who'd had IVF to have her first child) recently told me she was considering doing treatment again to have a second. She's been really supportive of me so far and I know she understands how difficult it is, so I didn't find the news difficult at all.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Thanks so much everyone for your replies it is really reassuring and some helpful ideas how to have the conversation

I think I've probably been especially concerned as the timing just isn't great at all for her so I just was worried about adding to her pain at the moment - but I can't afford to put my treatment on hold either due to my age and you're right if i was lucky enough for it to be successful then that wouldn't be nice at all to drop that suddenly on her

Wishing you all the very best with your own journeys going forwards those having further treatments x