Really upset

[janicewheeler]

So been going through ivf for a year now, had 3 fet's. One was cancelled due to thin lining, the second failed and the 3rd was successful but I had a mmc about 7 weeks ago, found out at 8.5 weeks pregnant.
Of course it was devastating but trying to slowly move on and look forward to going again in January.

Found out my sil is 15 weeks pregnant. It's upset me, I'm happy for her of course I am but it's just brought back some painful memories, we would've be due the same time as I would have also been 15 weeks pregnant now. I told this to my partner and said isn't it sad and it would've been lovely to have two new babies in the family, well apparently not according to him. In so many words he told me I need to get over it and move on. I'm making someone else's situation about myself apparently. We're on a different path and basically minimised my grief. It's like I'm not even allowed to mention it. Not mention the baby we lost, the baby I've wanted for so long and been through so much to get... how fucking mean can someone be ??
He's supposed to be my support system!
He said 'I thought we was over it now' well guess what it I'm bloody not !
He said he knows what I'm going to be like now... what a bit bloody sad ? Well yeah of course I am!! I lost a longed for baby 7 weeks ago!! Yeah I'll get over it and yes the news was abit painful but I'll be fine. I just expected abit of compassion from him.

Sorry I'm just venting as I'm really upset at how insensitive he's being.

@janicewheeler I'm so sorry and I agree that is incredibly insensitive of your partner. It is so upsetting when people around us get pregnant and I completely understand why you're upset. Sending you a massive hug. Would it be worth arranging some counselling if you haven't already?

@Gardenlady543 thank you for confirming it's not just me overreacting !
I am actually really pissed off as obviously I expected more from my partner. He has a way with words hasn't he ! He's very direct. But bloody hell he could've said something like 'I know it's going to be hard to digest atm as it's all still raw but let's try and focus on getting pregnant again' something like that, but no it was a flat get over it already.
I don't know if it's because it's his sister and maybe he's being abit defensive ? But it's not like I said anything remotely bad, I wouldn't do that !! I just expected abit of comfort I think. I'm not over it, it traumatised me going back for scan after scan not knowing what the hell was happening being left in limbo, he's seen me go through that and it's like now it's done with then I just need to shut up about it. Arsehole.

I might do you know, I need someone to speak to about it without being made to feel like I'm being a drama queen or something

@janicewheeler it's really hard to predict why he isn't being supportive. My DH is supportive but things don't effect him emotionally any where near as much as they affect me. I guess the main reason is because it's my body that's being utterly annihilated, with six medicated cycles to date (four transfer cycles and two mock.) And his only contribution being to fill up a cup a year ago! It's heartbreaking for us females when things don't work out.

The fact is you can't just get over it, I'm sure it will be great for both of you if you could just click your fingers and be as you were before any of this happened. But life doesn't work like that, he's in a relationship with you and needs to support you. Maybe you need to tell him that you're not over it, that it continues to tear you apart inside and that you're going to set up counseling to try and work through it. Hopefully he will respond and say that he supports you.

You need to look after yourself when it comes to your SIL, if you need distance that's absolutely fine, I have told close friends when they get pregnant that it's just too hard for me to have contact and that I'll reconnect when I'm in a better place, they've all understood.

@janicewheeler I'm so sorry for your loss and for the lack of support. You have every right to feel sad and you are not expected to "get over it" in any fixed timescale. It will take as long as it takes.

Having said that a good proportion of men just don't feel the loss the way women do and lots of them aren't good at saying the right thing. My DP was bloody useless when we had a miscarriage and he's quite honest about saying that it doesn't bother him at all a year later whereas I will always feel the loss of that baby. He's a lovely man but he just cannot and will not say what I need him to. I think the stress of me being upset also causes him to react against it sometimes in anger. I guess what I'm saying is that it's normal for you to feel the way you do, but it's also fairly normal for your DP to be reacting like that too

Sending lots of love

Xxx

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've recently had a traumatic ectopic pregnancy loss following an IVF pregnancy. Like others have said, I don't think my partner feels the same sense of trauma and loss I do, mainly because I guess physically, it's all on us.
However, he does his best to understand and support and would never minimise my feelings about it. I think you really need to address this with him and let him know how hurtful it is. I second counselling - I had my first session recently and found it helpful. Could you convince him to attend a session with you? It might help hammer home to him that your reaction is normal and this isn't something you ever really get over.

Thank you ladies for your replies.
I spoke to him and told him how upset his comments made me, that I felt like I wasn't allowed to mention it, like it was some kind of none event. He did apologise and said he didn't mean it to sound so harsh he's just worried I'm going to get stuck on what happened. But to be honest im never going to forget it, the first successful transfer ended in a miscarriage. That's not something you just get over is it?

@janicewheeler I'm glad you were able to talk to him and that he was more understanding. I get his concern but dismissing your feelings isn't going to make you move on more quickly.

Everyone is different. I have moved on from our loss in some ways. It was 16 months ago now and was quite drawn out (we knew we would probably miscarry but the baby kept growing for 4 weeks after that). It isn't such a raw feeling now - it hasn't been for a long time. I felt ok day-to-day after a couple of months but if I thought it talked about it the emotion would hit me. It was probably 6 months or so when I was able to talk about it without crying. Now I'm fine and am grateful for knowing I can survive a loss like that. It makes me feel strong. I still feel the loss and that will always be one of my babies.

Your pattern may be different. There is healing for most of us but that doesn't mean forgetting xxx