Not dealing well with birth in family

[ivftasha]

I just need somewhere to vent my thoughts...

We have on and off tried to convince for many years and just as covid hit found out what our barriers to getting pregnant were (I have endometriosis and my husband has sperm absence).

Things (various procedures and investigations) have been so delayed due to covid. We turn 38 in Feb and I should be having surgery in a few weeks (which has been cancelled previously therefore delayed our process again) and then should start our first cycle of ivf with donor sperm.

In the meantime my husbands sis in law has gone to hospital today to give birth. I've suffered a lot mentally with their pregnancy. Now they're about to bring their baby home I am really not dealing with things well and am trying to be happy for them but the pain is so hard.
My husband doesn't get why I've been a "grinch" as he called me over Christmas this year but this on top of our issues is just making me want to give up.

These things can be challenging. My sister struggled when I got engaged (single) and no doubt having to process my pregnancy. I understand and empathise to an extent.

My advice would be to try not to be sensitised to the proximity of the event and see it for what it is. Naturally, these things seem like monumental events when it is us, our friends or family, but it's just another tally to the billions already chalked on the board.

Your SIL having a child has limited implications to your life. Whether she has 1 or 10 kids, it doesn't diminish your value nor does it invalidate you as a woman /human.

Appreciate it's an awkward way of viewing it, but hope it's of some help.

Best of luck

Thanks babyonboard90, unfortunately if it was just that then I'd be fine, I have a wonderful goddaughter and had no issues when my best friend was pregnant with her or any other friends or family.

However due to our family set up it's impossible to get away from it and also it is constantly put in front as how it's the firstborn of that generation, the genetic first grandchild for my MIL which we can never give her etc etc that it's impossible to segregate it.

I have been put down so many times by the family in the last few months as a woman and us as a couple, my husband is so laid back and chilled that he let's it get said and doesn't show it hurts him other than to me.

@ivftasha My sister gave birth recently, and that was the first baby of the generation etc. I found it hard, particularly the birth announcement. I found it was better though once I'd seen my sister and seen the baby (I made sure no other family were there at the time, and my sister knew it was a sensitive issue, so there was a lot of sensitivity at the first meeting) and after that it was ok - I find my head readjusts once I meet babies that have been born, and my brain and heart can get back to the place of knowing it not their fault. The most difficult thing I found was my dads reaction - he was just horendously insensitive in the things he said. If you can try to avoid being around the baby when the doting grandparents are there I find it helps.

Hi @ivftasha I'm so sorry you're struggling. I can relate to how you're feeling. My sis in law recently had a baby and I've really struggled with not only her pregnancy but the birth. I've avoided her and by bro in law the whole time as I just didn't think I could be be around other people's excitement and joy and not get upset. Avoidance isn't necessarily the best option but it's what I felt I had to do to protect my own mental health. People can be very insensitive in these situations (e.g. gushing friends and relatives) without even realising it, so sometimes the easiest thing is to keep your distance for a while (although I know that's not an option for everyone). That said, I have made them aware that I'm struggling with things so at least they understand, and have sent the baby a gift. But for now that's the most I feel I can do.

I'm sorry your family haven't been more careful with you feelings, given this is obviously a very delicate situation (I'm not sure if they know about your situation). I also think men often experience fertility struggles differently to women. My husband doesn't feel it anywhere near as acutely as I do.

I don't want to offer any advice, but please know that you're not alone in how you're feeling. I hope you're able to find a modicum of peace with this soon, but I know all too well that is easier said than done.

Hi lovely,
I wanted to reach out as someone who has been on the other side of this situation. I am younger than my sister, and when I got pregnant with my son, it really strained our relationship. That was then made worse when I got engaged.

My sister has dealt with it by shutting me out - and although I understand it, it's so hard to process. I wish she would open up to me and talk - because all I want to do is to wrap my arms around her and give her the biggest hug and tell her I'm there for her.

I totally understand your feelings and the difficult time you have been through (I struggled with conception). But my best advice would be try to keep your relationships with siblings/in-laws for what they are and cherish it. Because it can be so incredibly sad when that relationship takes a negative turn once one of your life circumstances change. It's something I'm still coming to terms with too.

Lots of love to you x

I've been on both sides of this. When we were TTC for years and then doing IVF, everyone, including SIL and many close friends, was having baby after baby. MIL and FIL didn't know our struggle and kept telling us to get on with it! But I would always tell myself that those were their babies, and we wanted our baby. Then having theirs took nothing away from us.
Then when after a lot of struggle, we were finally pregnant, a good friend distanced herself because she found it too hard. I found her bitterness very difficult to sympathise with, and the friendship didn't really recover, even when she also found she was pregnant.
I don't think anyone ever knows other people's struggles, so the best we can do is to be happy for other people, even when they have the things we wish most for.

I agree with the poster who said it often gets easier after you've met the baby for the first time. Don't get me wrong, it can involve holding back tears and having to go compose yourself in the loo at that first meeting. It's bloody hard. I feel intense jealousy and I don't feel embarrassed admitting that. Feelings are valid. I have told people sometimes that I just can't meet up with them as I just can't handle it and everyone has been understanding.

When you're ready, arrange to meet the baby for a short period, say all the right 'aww your baby is gorgeous' things and just get through it for the sake of family relations.