How do I deal with this?

[Weeturtles]

I haven't started any fertility investigations yet but we've had 15 unsuccessful cycles since we started TTC last year. I have a 9 year daughter from a previous relationship. She's due to become a big sister on her dad's side. On top of this, my best friend is pregnant. I just can't stop crying.

You'll get there with the feelings. I think you have to let yourself cry when you need to, let the pain wash over you and come out the other side. I don't think we can prevent the feelings (which is what I always want to do) but we can accept them and try to move forward.
Is something preventing you from seeking fertility investigations?
It's super fucking hard. Two years in and I don't have an answer but can say you are 100% not alone. We all feel this way. We all get through it.

I don't know if I have a right to say we all get through it - I was mostly talking about myself and the people I personally know. I can't speak for everyone obviously but I'm sure it's true for the majority of us going through similar.

I had a MMC last year and both my sister and my SIL have recently had babies. DH's best friend also had one a weeks ago and it feels like everywhere I look there are babies. I've started being brutally honest with people when they ask if we're going to have one soon, which I find shuts them up fairly sharpish.

I agree with @WeightlossKin - the most important thing is to be honest with yourself about how you feel. It's unrelentingly shitty some days, and it's ok to cry, feel angry, be scared etc. I'm trying to find positive things in life as well, but when I feel sad I allow myself to cry.

For me, one of the worst things is feeling like a failure because I can't conceive - it took me 10 months to get pregnant the first time and since my MMC last September not a hint of a double line. So I've set myself some (very achievable!) mini challenges like doing the 30 days of yoga with Adriene, and finishing a cross-stitch I started a few months ago.

I hope we all find some peace soon. Infertility is really hard, and being surrounded by babies just makes it so much worse.