How to be sensitive to my sisters infertility whilst pregnant

[Liverpoolgirl50]

Hello,

I hope this is the right place to post, I’m really looking for some advice. My lovely sister who is 12 years older than me has been trying for a baby for many years, and after 3 unsuccessful rounds of IVF they have decided to stop trying. I have been there for my sister throughout her journey and have watched her heartbreak, and my heart broke with her because it’s all she’s ever wanted.

I am 28 and recently married. We decided after the wedding to start trying and were so so lucky that it happened relatively quickly, which neither of us were expecting. I have been sick to my stomach thinking of my sister and how hurt she would be, and I finally broke the news to her last week. She did get upset, though said she was happy for us. I have since given her some space and she’s being very sweet asking questions but I know it’s killing her and the fact I know I’m hurting her is killing me.

My husband always tells me off for saying it but if we could swap places I would’ve done it in a heartbeat because a baby is her dream and we only recently decided we wanted that to be our future, it feels so painfully unfair.

I would just like some direction of how to handle this. I find myself changing the topic, not wanting to speak about it and asking our parents not to bring it up when we are all together as I don’t want her to feel like I’m rubbing her face in anything.

Do you think this is the best course of action? My sister is my best friend and I couldn’t bear to lose her, I want to be there for her and do whatever will make it easiest I’m just lost as to what that is :(

Thank you x

@Liverpoolgirl50 what a lovely sister you sound 💐

My older sister has 2 older children and I'm the one going through IVF. I find it relatively easy being auntie to her children (and not feeling too sad about it) as we have the blood tie as sisters. I'm their only auntie and that is a special thing.

My DH's sister in law had a baby this year and that is hard for me, as his family were mainly cross that she wasn't the very centre of our attention.

If I were you I would just follow her lead - don't send scan photos unexpectedly, but answer questions when she brings it up. She will likely be happy for you, but sad for herself. You sound like you're doing your very best to be kind and sensitive to her situation.

Thank you so much ❤️

I always find pregnancy far more difficult than when baby actually arrived. I would make sure not to send her any scan or bump pics and if she asks how you are just be generic rather than for example oh baby is kicking etc. I agree it’s good to ask parents not to go on about it.

I’m sure your sister is struggling as she wants to be involved but it’s also painful to be involved! So do include her but just keep it high level.

I've been there a few times now with several siblings surpassing me in parenthood. The initial news hurt like anything. But, once I got over the shock of it, I couldn't help but be excited for the prospect of nieces and nephews. They aren't my children and so they don't fill that void but they help quite a bit.

For me personally, I worried that they thought my envy meant I wanted nothing to do with them. In fact it was the opposite. It meant a lot to me that they kept me involved and didn't hide things from me; sharing scan photos, talking about the ups and downs, discussing shopping list etc. I felt involved. It kept me occupied too. Now they are here, I see the children for exactly what they are: my nieces and nephews. I still hold out hope that one day I'll join them.

Congratulations on yours.

First of all congratulations 🎉🎉🎉

I agree with Risefromthedream. Not rubbing any scan or bump pics to her face is a good idea. However, even though I think it is really nice of you to come here, asking our opinion about how to be more sensitive towards your sister, I also think that you should focus on your pregnancy and happiness first. It is time for you to dream about your baby's nursery, the tiny clothes/toys you are going to buy for her/him etc. and not to worry about your sister.
"We decided after the wedding to start trying and were so so lucky that it happened relatively quickly, which neither of us were expecting." -> even this sentence shows that you were clearly very scared about having the same infertility issue. Ok, you didn't go through this personally but it clearly affected you anyways...

As a person (35) who has been going through infertility for the last two years, I can say that it is not your duty to go extra miles to comfort other people. Your fertility didn't cause her infertility. I am not saying, your sister is a bad person for getting upset about your pregnancy. Sometimes we expect certain behaviors from some people in certain situations. Maybe she was genuinely happy for you... Being super sensitive to her situation and not sharing anything with her could also make her feel excluded. Share when she approaches you.

I am just saying, do not make one of the happiest time of your life a stressful and sad one. Make sure to share your happiness, scan picture etc. with your parents and friends.
I wish you a very successful and healthy pregnancy 🍀

@Liverpoolgirl50 its really sweet that you are asking this.

How long has it been since you told her originally? If its been at least a few weeks, I would sit down with her and ask her what she wants.

Tell her you love her and you want to be senstitive to everything she has been through but also she is your best friend and you don't want to lose her. Ask her whats best for her? Some of the people said don't send scans but I would want to see them.

Maybe she doesn't want scans but she is open to helping with shopping, etc. You won't know if you don't ask her.

Then enjoy your pregnancy! Dream about your baby, share it with others (and her if she wants) and be happy. Its not about her, its about you and your husband. Enjoy it.

I just want to say thank you all so much for your advice - it’s been a difficult couple of weeks with lots of tears (on both sides!), but we are spending Christmas Eve alone together so I hope to have a good open and honest conversation then to understand how she would like to move forward and what she’s comfortable with. 💖

She rang me yesterday to tell me she is picking up a puppy on New Year’s Day 🥰 which is something she has wanted for years but never took the plunge with, so I’m really excited for her. She even said it will be nice for the puppy and baby to grow up together, and my heart almost burst because she is going to be the absolute best auntie when the time comes.

Thank you all so much x

@Liverpoolgirl50 what a lovely sister you are! Made me emotional reading it. Because you sound so caring.
I've had infertility for years and when I tried for my first my best friend at the time avoided me like the plague after getting pregnant on her honeymoon - I then got pregnant 8 months later and it was only then she felt she could talk to me- she wouldn't even look me in the eye and out friendship died but not because I couldn't handle it - she didn't know how to be around me which was sad
When we did talk again she said she was devastated and didn't know how to deal with the situation and because I was pregnant she thought we could go back to being how we were but it was never the same
What she should have done is still talk to me, not avoid me ! Give me a chance to be happy but not rub it in my face, but agree with others let her take the lead. No scans pics or updates unless she asks and sorry to say but when your having a pregnancy bad day I don't think your sister would be the best person to tell
I have the worst nausea and I feel so sick (I'm 9 wks) and sometimes when I talk out loud of how terrible I feel I have to shake myself and think I've gone through years to get here ! I annoy myself!
No one can really understand and I think others will agree that no one will ever understand how lucky people are when they moan about pregnancy symptoms if they've never been lucky enough to be in that position after infertility- if that makes sense
I'm sure you and your sister will be fine but Xmas eve will be a nice chance to talk x

My older sister as a 6 week old, and I'm the one doing IVF No one ever expected her to have her own kids to be honest. Like others have said, the pregnancy etc is worse than the actual baby. I felt really sad the day he was born and was hard to go see him, but now it's fine - sometimes you just need to see mum and baby to remind yourself it's not your fault they conceived and you didn't. My parents insensitivity and comments are FAR the hardest thing. Get parents to be kind, as it sounds like you're already being as sensitive as you can