Christmas & infertility

[KayReeves]

Hi all might seem like a random thread but i’m really anxious at the moment about xmas. We’ve been TTC baby 2 for 2 years with 5 failed IVFs. Its been a really rough ride. My SIL just announced her 3rd pregnancy & its completely wiped the floor with me. I’m totally floored and now just feel a mixture of horrible jealousy and a crushing sense of my own failure (which was bad even before the pg announcement)

We are due to spend xmas day with them and other family and i can’t face it. I feel bad enough about myself anyway so to spend time with the unstoppable birth mother will just make it even worse. I suggested my husband and son go while i stay behind for a few hours. Is anyone else in the same boat?

I was where you were a couple of years ago - also multiple losses and multiple failed IVF for secondary infertility - I went to the family Xmas with pregnant members because my absence would have been noticed by my daughter and it wouldn't have been fair on her. My infertility and constant treatment/recovery was already having a huge impact on her in terms of my focus being elsewhere, Every spare penny being pumped into more IVF as well as no holidays, no house move and mummy generally feeling sad and down, as hard as it was I did my best to set it aside for a few hours. I know it's hard. And I'm sure others will be along to say put yourself first and don't be around your SIL if you don't want to be but for me I tried to tell myself that no one gets pregnant to deliberately hurt someone else - and by not going it may cause awkwardness with the family and for your DH as well as taking away from her good news which isn't likely to be understood by the wider family since you have a child already (not that it matters that you already have a child of course because infertility is painful whether it is primary or secondary but it is a different dynamic when it's secondary infertility) x

Thanks @tiggerwhocamefortea i get what you are saying and I’m really conscious I may end up looking like the bad person in all of this. I just don’t feel like I can win. I don’t want to be self pitying or feel shit about myself every day but I also find it incredibly hard to see others living the life we thought we’d always have x

I understand. Do you have a plan for more IVF? I found having a plan helped. It's normal to grieve for the family unit you thought you'd have x

I don’t think it will work and its just so expensive. We will try natural IVF although i know its unlikely to work. We may explore adoption further down the line but we’re not ready yet. Thank you x

It can be so hard to have to keep up social appearances while feeling your heart breaking. While it's not your SIL's fault that her pregnancy is upsetting for you, I don't think there's any shame in taking your own mental health needs into consideration.

If you feel like you want to try to go to the family Christmas, maybe you and your husband could agree on a time limit and/or a signal that means you need to leave.

Another option could be to arrange to spend some time volunteering - either as a family or just you (if your husband and son want to go to the family event). Volunteering can be a great way to feel better about yourself as well as making a difference for others, and it's very difficult for people to complain about someone missing a social event if the reason is that they're volunteering for a good cause. Plus, it would mean you wouldn't be sitting home alone.

@KayReeves

I don’t think it will work and its just so expensive. We will try natural IVF although i know its unlikely to work. We may explore adoption further down the line but we’re not ready yet. Thank you x

I changed to natural modified ivf after multiple failured transfers and PGS testing with short protocol in which didn't get any normals and had twins on my final round after giving up all hope

Thanks @tiggerwhocamefortea its reassuring to know there might be some hope. And congrats on your twins! What a blessing xx

Thanks @Scirocco i hadn’t actually thought of volunteering, maybe I need to find something constructive and positive to do xx

Oh no, I am so sorry! This sounds so tough, I would cancel. I am not sure if I would be honest, or how I would break the news, but I would find an excuse.

I like to cuddle up and watch Christmas movies, eat a lot and make hot wine... This year I won't cause I am taking ivf meds so it's not really advisable 😅