Can't face the road ahead

[Impossiblechoices]

Hi everybody, long time lurker first time poster. After years of trying, we finally had the phone appointment yesterday spelling it all out - zero sperm count, potential semen extraction and ICSI the next step.

After two years of this, in the pandemic no less, the doctor who talked us through our options seemed shocked that I had the slightest bit of hesitation at all about proceeding. My husband has a zero sperm count, no clear cause (hormones normal, possible CF gene positive but not yet confirmed). After the second zero sperm test in May, I sobbed my heart out, and picked ourselves up as best we could and tried to be present in the moment and face what was to come. I think in my head, I chose to believe "it's over, you aren't having a child". Now I am here, looking a year long wait for IVF with low odds, and I just can't imagine how I can go through what is to come.

I have suffered some traumatic losses over the years, losing a sibling to suicide and another to murder more recently. I have had ample counselling but my default safety position is "the bad thing will happen" and I'm just suffering with that - like of course we couldn't just have a baby, because that is just how my life goes, and I shouldn't have ever got my hopes up.

I just don't know how I can do this - go through with the IVF. But then I don't know how I will feel if I don't try. I don't come from a very pro adoption family, and feel like adopting would leave us very isolated and without the support I'm sure we would need to provide for a child who's been through a situation where they had to be removed. I am a trauma survivor and don't know if that would make me a good or bad adoptive parent. And I can't reconcile how to go through with the IVF, have it fail, then adopt a child - I worry they will always know that I made another choice first and it will hurt them. And then option 3 - no kids, just move on and try to make the best of life without them.

So my question - what would you, lovely strangers of the internet do if you were me? What did you do when you were me, and what is life like now? I trawl these boards reading your experiences and I wanted to ask directly. Sending you all love and well wishes in advance 💜

I went into ICSI assuming it would work. I didn’t think anyone would go into it assuming failure, it’s hard enough to get through when you are full of hope tbh but I understand your default setting given all you have been through.

DH was dead against a sperm donor -although many years later he said, in hindsight, it would have been the best thing to do- no issues my side fertility wise.

7 cycles of ICSI & 3 FET resulted in 5 failures, 4 MC and one successful pregnancy but DC does have ADHD/ASD -a risk with ICSI-and it is difficult.

I do wish I had been the type of person to be happily child free but I was so, so desperate for a baby it was a physical ache. All I had ever wanted to be was a mummy. The emotional toll has been hard and has had lasting effects and the financial cost has been huge and left us swamped in debt but I wouldn’t be without my DC.

The fertility unit should have a counsellor you can speak to. I think it would be a good idea to explore your feelings with the counsellor to see which direction you want to go in. Wishing you luck and happiness

@Impossiblechoices didn't want to read and run. sorry to hear about your journey. I am in a very similar situation, so you have my full sympathies. DP has had SA come back with zero sperm! Bloods are fine, awaiting further investigations for other causes. I'm facing the prospect of having both ovaries removed as I have very painful dermoid cysts on both ovaries.
I've gone from trying to feel positive about having ICSI following sperm extraction from DP (if there is any), or even sperm donor, to now feeling like this is never going to happen! The thought of having a child that is biologically neither of ours is something I may have to face. Everything that could have gone wrong has and don't know if I can pick myself back up!
Adoption is possibly an option but not anytime soon. I have a dog that won't pass the assessment and right now the thought of telling a social worker I would be happy to rehome her I think would break me!

If you ever need a chat feel free to message me x

Thank you both, massively appreciate you replying :) going to read properly then reply back to you x

@Impossiblechoices I am so sorry for what you have been through... I have a similar background. My father committed suicide and few years later my sister passed away due to cancer. All happened when I was a child. Loosing them within few years was a huge trauma but somehow I lived and continued my life as a "normal" person...

Have you ever told yourself "I have a loving husband and somewhat good life. After all I have been through, I deserve to have a healthy child, become a family"? If you have, I feel like the answer is simple. Either with ICSI or adoption, you should get what you deserve and wish for!

I also cried several times and ask why all this happening to my husband who has a healthy diet and a life style, who didn't even smoke a single cigarette for his entire life... But unfortunately I could not find any answer to that...

Just like @IAmHereForTheFood, we couldn't imagine a life without a child. So we decided to try ICSI. Currently we are in the 2nd round. If this round does not work, we might try it for the 3rd time or go to adoption directly. I personally do not want to foster an older kid coming from traumatic household. We rather go for foreign adoption and adopt a baby/toddler. The reason why we opted for ICSI first and not the foreign adoption, was the cost of it. Where we live adoption costs ~15.000€.

I think you should focus on yourself while deciding on what to do next. If you think people around you won't be so open and do not support your adoption choice, it is their problem. As long as you and your husband are on the same boat and provide a healthy, stable household for your adopted child, the rest has to accept that. Also you don't have to foster a traumatized kid. You had your fare share of trauma and unhappiness and you don't owe anything to anyone. It is your right to become a mother to a healthy child. You can maybe adopt a baby?? As long as you provide a healthy environment for your child, I don't think they will question your choice for going for ICSI first. Also, at some point everyone blames their parents (biological or adoptive) for everything that went bad in their life anyways 😁

I don't know you personally but from what I read, I imagine you like a Phoenix ☺️ Whatever happens, somehow you have the strength to continue your life. Whether you decide on ICSI or adoption or child-free life, you and your husband have the strength to make the best decision. Wish you good luck in your journey! 🍀

One last thing referring to you wrote: I have had ample counselling but my default safety position is "the bad thing will happen" and I'm just suffering with that - like of course we couldn't just have a baby, because that is just how my life goes, and I shouldn't have ever got my hopes up.

I totally get it!!! Yesterday we just got into the car and drove just 10mt to go to EC and then the clutch broke down! My husband had to push the car back to the parking spot. I don't know how much you read about ICSI but 36 hours after your trigger shot, doctors need to collect the eggs. Thanks God we could find a cab and made it on time! 😵‍💫 I was like "Really?!?! REALLY?!!!!". I think I just accept living in constant fear of something bad happening at this point 😂

@IAmHereForTheFood I am so grateful to you for replying to me! I'm sorry you find yourself in this boat too, and the prospect of what you're facing!!!

I feel like you and I are feeling a lot of the same things, and truly, you've made me feel so much less alone in a very dark moment. Always here if you want to talk too, I have absolutely everything crossed for you finding the happiness that you deserve xx

@WhiskeyInTheJar33 thank you for this - am so grateful to you for replying to me! I'm sorry you find yourself in this boat too, and the prospect of what you're facing!!!

I feel like you and I are feeling a lot of the same things, and truly, you've made me feel so much less alone in a very dark moment. Always here if you want to talk too, I have absolutely everything crossed for you finding the happiness that you deserve xx

@IAmHereForTheFood and @WhiskeyInTheJar33

I've had a copy and paste mixup haha, not at my functional best right now!!! That first reply is for you Whiskey :)

@IAmHereForTheFood I am really grateful for your advice, and hearing what you've been through! I definitely will look into the counselling, and what I can access while in this 14 week wait for the first appointment, so that when I get there, I know what I'm doing!

Am I right in that you do have a child now? And that they have ADHD and ASD - I'm sure that's really hard, but you sound amazing to be honest, I bet that your family is lucky to have you :)

Thank you for your kind words and practical advice!

@Cayandsimit Hi! Thank you so so much - I am so touched by what you wrote, honestly. You've brought me such a feeling of comfort in a really dark moment and I massively appreciate it. I hope that you ICSI works out, and you sound like you are your right path :) I'm sorry for the losses you experienced too, you sound like the phoenix to me! :) x

Dear OP. Sending love. My husband has azoospermia. We have a child with donor sperm and donor eggs- it was a long road. He is worth all the trials and feels 100 % our little guy. PM me if you’d like to discuss.

It’s a big shock to find out about a no sorry diagnosis. But it also possible that micro tese will yield a sperm or two. Is that your next step?