Feelings

[stressnessregime]

I've just cried and cried from the pit of my stomach, it came from nowhere but at the same time I knew it was coming. I'm really struggling to deal with this, I've becoming bitter and resentful, lonely, depressed and consumed with sadness. The hope I have hangs by a thread now and I don't know what the future holds. In the meantime I'm seeing pregnant women/families everywhere. Even my bullies were able to have children, people who treated me shockingly with no remorse basically kicked me when I was down and tried to down me when I was up, whilst I gave my all to what I thought were friendships, oblivious, naive. They now have children and have the look of smug parents and I'm yearning for what they have. I name changed for this. I don't want to go through it and I'm feeling so low tonight. sorry for the rambling post. I'm really feeling it tonight. Does anyone have any coping strategies. With the infertility but also the other emotions that come with it. The ugly emotions I would never tell you if I knew you irl. The why me, and the resentment and the jealousy. I don't want to have to cope with it because I don't want to be here. How do I cope with a situation that I'm forced to be in watching what feels like everyone have what I want, day in day out and be expected to smile and be happy and be gracious when I'm feeling none of those things.

I would allow yourself to feel these feelings. It is so tough. If you can access counselling that might be helpful? Don't feel bad about the "ugly" emotions.

We’ve all felt like this. I even stopped talking to my oldest friends as couldn’t cope with their arrivals. I just had to withdraw from everything and everyone.
What helped me was continually trying to push forward to achieve what I wanted. I tried ivf, tried immune specialists and different solutions to my fertility issues. Read books, tried acupuncture. It felt like I was proactively doing something. It kept me hoping - this might work next.
Can you join any of the threads on here? It’s good to have support from those that understand.
It’s a very lonely place. Mentally you feel like a bad person for the thoughts you have - you’re not. I had to accept that life is unfair , there are horrible people out there with beautiful children who mistreat them. There’s no sense in it.
Try to find someone to talk too , friend or professional, find or start a thread on here to gain support, seek Gp support/meds if you feel you’re depressed, look at any proactive ways to increase your chances. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to be angry, hate pregnant people, feel jealous and resentful- they are normal feelings.

Everything you are going through is normal. I have been feeling the same for years. Infertility has changed me and no matter what the end result will be, I will never be the same person I used to be. I became a loner because I have felt lonely as nobody around understands. I lost some friends along the way but I don't miss them and their lack of empathy.
I have learnt to accept the negative feelings and to allow myself to feel them. Sometimes they just vanish on their own, sometimes I have to make them go away by keeping myself busy, enjoying the other positive aspects of my life ( I love animals and I have 2 cats a dog, I love coffee movies, walking around the city etc.).
I am also on a low dose of antidepressants because I have a history and depression and anxiety. Medication help me ease my mind and sleep at night.
As the previous poster said looking for a solution to the issue also has kept my mind a bit busy sometimes.
My therapist recommended me to set achievable goals and it works. It can be anything like reading a nice book, cooking a nice meal, take a trip somewhere, take up a new hobby etc, anything that gives you a purpose.
Don't feel like a bad person because you are not! 💗

I don't have coping strategies to offer I'm afraid. I just wanted to agree that your feelings are totally normal and I think everyone who suffers infertility has felt it. Feel those ugly feelings. Some people are undeserving of the blessings they take for granted, and you don't deserve to be in this position. It's unfair. When it's in your face all the time, and it's all you can think of even when it's not, it's totally excusable to have unkind thoughts 💐

I don't have any coping strategies either, just wanted to say I can relate. This is the hardest thing I've gone through in my life, including my mom's (somewhat sudden and unexpected) illness and death. And my mom's death changed me forever as a person, was a pain I couldn't' have fathomed and still effects me every day. And somehow, the fertility journey is harder to deal with on a daily basis. Maybe its because its impossible to ever pretend its not happening and block out, as there keeps needing to be action and decisions made, I can't ever just pretend it isn't happening really. Anyway, you aren't a bad person for whatever you are feeling.

@stressnessregime sorry to hear you’re feeling so shit. All of this is so hard . In all honesty l have no idea about how to deal with the ugly emotions. I freely admit lm so jealous, angry and resentful of people. I swear l never used to be like this. I suppose l viewed life a bit differently before e.g. if you want a better job apply for it, if you want to lose weight then eat better and exercise more. Unfortunately l have learned even if you lose weight, don’t drink alcohol, take vitamins / supplements, take Clomid and do IVF twice then you may still not get pregnant So many people are so smug and self absorbed, when in reality for lots of people it’s just pure luck. They aren’t clever or trying hard for it

We have worked our way through 8 embryos with zero success. A friend found out our latest transfer failed and said good luck with our next cycle. I don’t want to try again! Even if we can find a way to afford it

Hi Op, trust me we all feel/felt just like you. As previously said life can be cruel and so unfair sometimes.

I have cut off several friends and family because there was zero compassion and care about our struggles and I don't miss them at all. Even my stupid sister was discussing in front of me with her DH if they should have a baby no 4 or not. She didn't ask me once how I am or if I need any help, thanks sis.

Anyway, I am a different person now, the fertility journey changed me in many ways and it's ok.

Please try to get some help, different things work for different people so it's hard to say what you should do. And although it is annoying to see pregnant women, you just dont know what they went through to have a baby.

My friend had 8 transfers to have her DS and she just had a naturally concieved baby at 43. Miracles can happen, we should all stay hopefull and positive.

Hopefully tomorrow is a better day, look after yourself X

@stressnessregime I completely understand how you are feeling. The day after my second IVF cycle failed a mutual friend gave birth and I literally had to tell my friends in our group chat if they could stop posting about it (they knew my IVF had failed). It's very hard to cope with these emotions, I would say allow yourself to feel them as almost anyone going through this would feel the same.
I rarely go on social media now, I made a separate account where I follow people going through infertility who I can chat to. Fertility life raft with Alice Rose is a great podcast (haven't listened to it recently though) she is a lady who went through IVF herself and works now as a mentor/coach.
I try to take pleasure in hobbies, knitting, walking in nearby park, lie ins, netflix, but some days are definitely better than others. I've been through counselling too after my first cycle failed. I've found myself becoming distant from friends I used to have and only keeping a small circle of friends. It's cruel and unfair and I don't understand why it's so hard for us and not for others. Even if I ever do manage a successful pregnancy I doubt I will forget the years of anguish, jealousy, resentment and hopelessness I have gone through so far.

Hi OP. I can't offer any advice besides stay strong, treat yourself in ways you know relax/de-stress you and be kind to yourself and your body.

I know it's incredibly hard but you can do this 💙 baby dust

Sorry for not posting since Sunday, thank you for all the replies I've read each one and they are really helpful, and as a bonus they are from people who have actually experienced what I'm experiencing.  to you all it's brutal. I had a good good old cry that morning and Sunday was able to function normally. Monday was another crying day whilst wah. Haven't cried in a long while so maybe it was needed.
Im going through therapy at the moment, which is helping but the feelings sneak up on me in normal life - as soon as there's another trigger (another announcement, a gathering etc.) I still talk to friends but only have 2 proper friends without children although both are planning to try in the future. I can't talk to anyone about it because they all have young kids or don't understand, and their responses leave a lot to be desired sometimes, they seem to want to talk about banal issues/or themselves with me rather than actually checking up on me or asking how I am, or just a text when I need more. I totally get that it's because they haven't been through it but it still hurts. Popular phrase: it will be fine in the end which hacks me right off. It's been going on nearly 10 years I thought this would be the damn end! I also feel like a really bad person knowing deep down I'm jealous and resentful of them now, and I only speak to them to keep the friendship going for the sake of our histories together. Also so I'm not completely alone and friendless. I was always able to block out my friends' announcements etc as thought it would happen. As time's going by and the window is narrowing I'm not feeling as gracious any more. I don't want to lose friends but I am finding I'm isolating myself, if I cut out everyone who has lack of empathy towards me I will literally be alone. Let's not get started on the people who I'm not friends with having children, that really hits home about life being unfair. I do let myself feel those emotions to those who said this, I really agree with letting yourself feel, but lately I've felt all of these ugly emotions but then find myself telling me to pull myself together!!!! because the only person it hurts is me. I don't have time in my precious life to think about how unfair it is. (Spoiler alert: it bloody is!!!) I try to throw myself into my life. And then another trigger and I'm back at square one this weeping mess.

to everyone who's going through or has been through it. It's devastating. Why we have been picked to go through this, when others have no issues with 3,4,5 or 6 I don't know. And I don't know how to cope either. All I know is it brings out something in me I don't want to dwell on or uncover. But today is a better day, I'm not in that emotional hole. I will continue to treat myself, and do things that I enjoy. I will check out the pod cast mentioned and think I really need to start finding people to be around who understand what I'm going through, because being around those who don't is really messing with my MH. (Why are they so smug?!?!?) The Instagram suggestion is good, setting up a separate one to follow accounts relating to infertility seems like a great idea.

Hugs to you x

All your feelings are valid, normal, and understandable. I know it may sound horrible, but you should let yourself feel them, yes even jealousy! Come on, all this is not fair, we all know it.
If you feel like screaming into a pillow then do that, if you need to tell those emotions (all of them) well, that's what anonymous forums are for! If you don't feel like sharing them here either, then why note write them down in a notebook?