4th attempt…..and I think I’m done

[Clt1983]

Hi All,

Yesterday I had the egg collection for my 4th attempt. First attempt resulted in one 4BB embryo from 7 eggs which didn’t implant. Second attempt was one ungradeable embryo which again didn’t work. Third attempt was 15 eggs and nothing to transfer back so the outcome was worse each time.

This time around we did natural modified which I was hopeful for as my best chance previously was with a lower egg count. They took 6 eggs (more than I expected and I’d actually hoped for less as thought they may be better quality) and I’ve had the call today to say only one fertilised. When they took 7, 5 fertilised so this is worse than I’d anticipated.

They want to do a transfer tomorrow (if they can see cell division and it progressing) but I’m doubtful as to whether that will even go ahead given the poor quality of what I’ve produced previously.

I’ve just turned 38, all male factors good and AMH and AFC both good but the quality just isn’t there and now my 4BB seems like a complete fluke.

We’ve done 4 attempts in a year now and I’d mentally resigned myself to this being the last attempt before moving to donor eggs. I feel stupid for thinking that going down the natural modified route would bring these big improvements. I feel out of options and whilst I know I still have to wait for the outcome tomorrow, it’s hard to stay positive. I feel like I don’t have anything else to give.

Anyone else been in this situation or can offer any advice? I’ve been seeing a counsellor which had helped but the grief I’ve been carrying around with me is just awful, I feel like a shell of who I was a year ago.

@Clt1983 I understand that feeling of just being done. We've done 4 IUIs (all BFN) before moving to IVF. First egg collection only collected 4 eggs, only 2 mature. We had a 5AA fresh transfer, started period shortly after transfer and waaaay before OTD (obviously a BFN), and a 4AA FET, which resulted in a chemical pregnancy.

Second egg collection we got 6 eggs, all mature, all fertilised, but resulted in only 3 freezeable embryos (it was a freeze all cycle due to protocol). We've a 5AA, 3BB and 3BC. We're about to start a FET cycle.

I'm 32, normal to high AMH, and we're using donor sperm, so everything on paper suggests we should have had a much better outcome. I've been labelled by my clinic as a 'poor responder' to stims, as my response is way below what it should be given all my stats (we even did a repeat AMH before second cycle to try to investigate why I responded so badly first time).

I felt 100% done with egg collections (told DP she's going to have to do it if we want to try any more). I have however found that even the last few weeks though that feeling of 'just being done' has lessoned.

It might be that you do just feel totally done. But I would say, sometimes a little bit of time after a dissapointing egg collection helps.

Fingers crossed this egg works for you

@Clt1983 Also 4 egg collections in a year is a lot. Maybe just a bit of a break will help? IVF does take over your life, and that is a lot of physical and emotional strain for a year

Thank you @2mumlife, I’m sorry to hear you’ve felt similar. After round 3 I had similar feelings of ‘I don’t know if I can do this again’ and yet we managed to. I could put up with far more physical side effects and discomfort, that doesn’t bother me as it feels as though it’s all working towards something, but that awful creeping dread when you’re waiting for news after egg collection really affects me.

Looking back, 4 in one year was excessive. I pushed myself as we’d already been trying for some time and I wanted to get this one done out of the way before Christmas so I’d have some time to process bad news before having to see family and friends. I think subconsciously I was always waiting for bad news which makes me feel like worse as all the nurses were telling me to stay positive.

Thank you for sharing. I just need to get tomorrow out of the way and then I can start to assess where we go from here.

Hi @Clt1983 - I understand the feeling of being done. For me, 4th IVF has worked so far. Though in my mind I was prepared to stop after 4th IVF. Also, constant failures & anxiety during the process of IVF are not helping with my pregnancy. I had got so used to failing/worrying that I still worry at every twitch.

1st - 13 eggs collected, 2 average quality embryo, transferred on day 3 - BFN
2nd (Tried mild IVF, with really low dose meds) - 4 eggs collected, 1 fertilized, transferred on day 3 - CP
3rd - 8 eggs collected, no mature eggs, 1 matured & fertilized, transferred on day 4 - BFN

All of the 3 above were short protocols.

The clinic then said we should try a long protocol.
4th treatment on long protocol - 12 eggs collected, 1 mature, 6 others matured in lab, 3 fertilized, 2 survived till day 5 (This was the first time transferring on day 5), 1 transferred, 1 in the freezer - BFP
Until this treatment, we never had anything to freeze

It's still not over for you. It does really only take 1 good egg & sperm as you can see from my example above.

Good luck for tomorrow.

@Clt1983 This is absolutely a 'one-step-at-a-time' process. I think its absolutely normal to feel deflated, tired and reserved in later cycles, once the reality of how difficult a process this is really hits you hard that first cycle. I find the few days after egg collection waiting for updates the most stressful part too. I can also totally get wanting to get a cycle done before Christmas - I'd wanted to get this next FET over with last month and take December off, but my clinic were too busy/too slow to get things moving from then, so here we are. The looming dread of a BFN right before Christmas is something I feel too.

Positive vibes for tomorrow, I hope it bring sucess like @morningvenus!

I moved to donor eggs after 2 failed cycle for lots of different reasons. I'd never been pregnant in 4 years. Got 1 bad quality embryo each time. Did a donor cycle and got 5x top quality blasts. It's a very difficult road, but I want to be a mum. End of.

Thanks all. Good to hear your thoughts and thank you for your support. @2mumlife, Christmas does feel an especially cruel time for bad news doesn’t it? But also if yours is good news then hopefully it feels all the more special.

@morningvenus, I can empathise with still worrying throughout pregnancy. In my head, I’ve always thought ‘I’m not even sure I could enjoy a BFP because I’d be thinking of all the hurdles I have to jump through first and milestones to reach before I could actually relax.’ I wish you all the best with your pregnancy.

I too understand everything you are going through. My first transfer last year was a CP just before Christmas (on my husband's birthday). It was so bad I couldn't celebrate anything, I was heartbroken. It was our only embryo out of 6 fertilised.
Second transfer last month was a negative. It was the first of 2 embryos we got out of 5 fertilised. It was a 4AA embryo but still it didn't stick. It was worse than our first failure. I was optimistic during the whole process but then that happened and I became an emotional wreck. I still am, I can't function most of the days, I need to do something to keep my mind busy, but I get sudden burst of sadness and emptiness.
On top of everything, I was supposed to transfer our last embryo this month and for that I had to do a mild stimulation to thicken my lining. After 9 days of menopur I developed a 30mm cyst and I cancelled everything. I was shattered and in tears. I can't come to terms with the fact that it has become such a difficult process.
I should try and transfer next month...if the timing is correct I will end up with having to test again on my husband birthday. I am so out of hope that I already think it might be a negative again...just before Christmas.
I too am a shadow of what I used to be. I feel lonely and defeated.
Whatever we are going through is normal. There is no easy way out of this. I guess you have all the right to feel the way you feel. I am absolutely sorry you are going through all of this, but I do hope there will be a positive outcome for you. 🍀

@Clt1983 I hope you get to transfer. I’m feeling the same. Currently in 2ww of my 4th and final round in the past 12 months. It physically and emotionally draining and each failure is a grieving process all over again. This round was my worst by far, just 1 option to transfer on day 3. All other rounds I’ve had blasts, but they didn’t implant anyway.

I feel like a completely different person too and struggle to maintain friendships, as there’s always so much worry on my mind.

So I guess I’ve got no answers, but just wanted to wish you well and say that the best thing you can do is give yourself time to grieve and process what’s happened when necessary. I don’t think the pain of infertility ever leaves us sadly, it’s just about coping mechanisms and hopefully finding a way of moving on with whichever path we take.

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re both going through @Yuliaaa and @IslandStars. I’ve felt numb with grief during a lot of the past year and the past 12 months have been tainted by everything that has happened. If I look at a photo from the past year I can perfectly place what was going on with IVF at that time. ‘Oh, that was the day before we started cycle 2. That one is a week after we had the bad news about cycle 3’. It’s been all consuming.

When I first started speaking to the clinic I was told ‘we get to know your body better with each cycle, your chances improve with every cycle we do, you’re still young for IVF….’ and I felt hopeful that I just had to do it enough times and eventually it would happen. But now I’m here and things have gone worse each time and I feel cheated and as though this isn’t what I was promised. I know it’s not the clinic’s fault and they’re trying their best but I feel like they don’t have any other options or any answers for me either.

I’ll see what tomorrow brings. Part of me wants the transfer to go ahead as I want my egg back and some part of me naively thinks ‘just put it back and let my body sort out the rest’ and another doesn’t want to prolong the grief if the fertilised egg isn’t dividing and progressing so would rather know now rather than drag it out.

How much longer of the 2ww have you got left @IslandStars? Keeping everything crossed for you

@Clt1983 Thank you, I understand the worry with early transfers, my day 3 may not even have made it to blastocyst after it was transferred, so it could already be over for me unknowingly. I’m still only 5 days past today, so implantation should be happening between today & tomorrow. I have bloods next Wednesday.

There is so much luck needed with IVF, even with the best odds. Taking it day by day, let’s hope your embryo has a good number of cells tomorrow.

So we’re going to go ahead with an embryo transfer this afternoon. It only has 2 cells which I don’t think is great but as we’re out of options, they’re going to put it back anyway. I don’t know whether I’m pleased we’re doing it as it gives me that little bit of hope or whether it’s just prolonging the pain if this one again doesn’t work.

I feel drained, what a 48 hours. I was crying this morning and thought ‘I just want someone to tell me it’s ok to stop and stop putting myself through this pain’.