Pregnancy announcements advice

[Paige2207]

Hi

I’ve been dithering whether to post this but I need direct advice really..we’ve been TTC for 8yrs and recently my 2nd round of IVF failed. I’ve been hit with another pregnancy bomb and of course I’m happy for my neice, sad for us but leaning more towards being angry the way it’s been delivered.
See..when my sisters told me (one to one) they were pregnant I was always last to find out. Considering how tight we all are it makes me so angry. Again, my neice and I’m last to find out. Am I being unreasonable? I haven’t said anything to anyone other than my other half who thinks it always comes from a good place and would probably be more upsetting if I were told with everyone around.
What do yous think? Please be direct! Has anyone else experienced this and how does it make you feel? Should I just move on and forget about it? Any advice welcome & thanks for reading x

@Paige2207 sorry about your recent ivf cycle 💗
this has happened to me too and it also made me really angry and upset. More so than the actual announcement.
I have a very close immediate family too, which made it worse.
I still talk about it now with my dp. They actually split us up so my sister could tell me first. Then text her partner downstairs to say it's fine to tell my dp.
I guess they thought it was the best thing to do, but we were so hurt at how insensitive it all was. We had just had failed cycles too.
I personally haven't mentioned anything to them about it, just to avoid the confrontation. She would just think I was being unreasonable anyway and I imagine she would feel she didn't do anything to deliberately upset us.
I truly feel that unless someone has been on this journey, they have and will never have any idea what it's like for us and as much as it's eating you up, if you mention something, everyone will just think you're being unreasonable. That's the sad reality. Hope you'll be ok and good luck for your future cycles 🍀 x

Thank you for your reply @FET2021 your experience and advice really does make me feel normal. I’m so sorry that your going through this too 💕
Your absolutely right! It is insensitive and hurts really bad and yeah, I guess it would come across unreasonable. My family are excited for another baby and I don’t want to spoil that too. Just shite it’s so bittersweet. My ‘friend’ has also done this by not saying anything and then posting all over social media it felt like a kick in the guts! Of course I didn’t say anything but makes me overthink why nothing was said 😢
We only have one embryo left in the freezer now and due to start again in Jan / Feb then all is concluded either way it goes..how are you getting on? Wishing you too all the best of luck in the future x

@Paige2207 💗
It is horrible. I've had friends do the same too. Honestly, the only people I've ever known to truly get it, are the people I've spoken to on here who are going through the same thing. I feel when I speak to family/friends, they nod and sympathise, but have absolutely no idea the affect it has on us and how damaging it all is to our mental health.
I've just learned not to share much and to just grin and bear it when they say/do things I find hurtful. Sometimes if I feel it's over the line, I'll say, but most of the time I leave it (not sure that's the right thing to do, but it works for me, as confrontation to no end just seems pointless, as you'll always end up the 'bad guy').
You're right to feel the way you do. We're human with feelings at the end of it all, but unfortunately, they just don't understand how we feel and think we're being b*tches/petty/jealous if we speak up about certain things (in my opinion).
Truth be told, we are a little jealous because when you've been trying for so long with failures, you can't help but feel upset that it isn't working for you.
Really wish you the best for your next transfer in Jan/Feb. Hopefully the last one is your little miracle. I'll keep you in mind and have everything crossed for you 🍀🤞🏼
Thank you. I have another FET this month, providing everything is ok at my scan on Tuesday. 🤞🏼
Take care of yourself and here if you need a chat xx

I know it’s hard to hear, but honestly there is no good way to tell someone who is struggling to conceive that you’re pregnant.
I’ve been the person trying for 2yrs and watched everyone else get pregnant and now I’ve had my first, I also struggle around family that are still trying. In fact, we have to tip toe around said family members so much our son is almost ignored and not acknowledged by them. It’s actually really sad for my son that his uncle and aunt don’t care about him, or maybe they do buy are too selfish to show it. I’m sure once they have a baby of their own then they will expect us to all rally around them and their child.
Either way, it hurts both sides.

There might be no good way but there are certainly things that don't help, like telling everyone else except the infertile pariahs, or knowingly telling people who are struggling in a very public way, or sending them scan pictures or worse, doing so face to face.

@Whistler42 could it not be that it's too painful for the aunt and uncle to acknowledge your baby just now?
Did you manage to have your first without assisted reproduction techniques?

Also not everyone gets to have a baby of their own and when you're living with the fear that you might be one of those then for some people it becomes just too difficult to congratulate others, or people need to preserve their mental health as best they can during IVF.

💐 to all struggling.

Sorry that you are in this position @Paige2207. It's so hard.

I found it easier if people texted me, rather than tell me face to face. Then at least I could deal with it in my own time and respond. It's awful to feel excluded. There is nothing wrong with the way you are feeling though, so try not to give yourself a hard time about that. If there is a way you would prefer to be told, perhaps you could let you friends & family know?

@Whistler42 as @LongerthanMrTicklesarms has suggested, I wonder if the uncle and aunt might just be really struggling with not having a child of their own. They may be going through fertility treatment or losses. I imagine that they do care about your son, but when you are in the midst of infertility it can be hard to just get through the day. There are no guarantees that they will have a child of their own- and they may be grappling with this fact. That doesn't make things easy for you- but you have everything they don't.

@Paige2207 best of luck with the rest of your treatment

@Whistler42 I'm sure it is hard from your perspective but I'm sure it must be difficult from their perspective too if they are trying to have children and haven't been able to. They might be doing this to protect themselves mentally.
I also agree that there is no easy way to tell someone you are pregnant if you know they are trying to conceive ( there are definitely some better ways than others but in most cases it's still going to hurt however it is told)
@paige2207 think if it upset you you can tell your family how you'd prefer to be told in the future so that they are aware, but I don't think that others really understand unless they have gone through it themselves. If there is anything that's too much or that seems over the line I think you can say it.
I think do what you need to protect your mental health at this time, you can discuss this with your family if you think they will be understanding of this (i.e. they understand the reasons even if they don't fully understand how you are feeling).
It's really tough, I really struggle with pregnancy announcements and attending events with babies of family members. There are times when I've just had to mute group chats or delete social media or not attend an event when I know lots of babies are going to be there xx

I think there's two things:

1. Waiting till you have all clear before telling extended family
2. Being considerate of family members feelings who may be experience fertility issues.

We haven't told anyone about our pregnancy as we are still awaiting all clear from clinical tests (16week scan and results tomorrow).

Pregnancy announcements are big trigger for some people. If you aren't one of those people and feel you would have liked to know earlier, then you can definitely communicate that in a gentle and light-hearted way.