Coping with infertility

[Bb30]

Hi All, first time posting here. I'm at a total loss and struggling to cope with the fertility treatment journey. Bit of backstory - hubby and I are 30, ttc 2.5 years, found out we needed icsi a year ago and since then I've done 2 rounds of icsi and have had 1 failed fresh transfer. My first round was a disaster, poorly managed by the clinic so I got no eggs and my hubby's sample was basically dead because they didn't have him on the correct meds - motility issues due to low pH. Anyway, we put it down to bad luck and did a 2nd round where we got 6 good quality blasts. We were so over the moon but when the fresh transfer didn't work my mood just plummeted. I know we are so lucky to have the blasts in the freezer and we can try again potentially in November with a fet but I just have this dred that it's going to fail again and I just can't cope.
I've tried planning nice activities to take advantage of our pregnancy/baby free time like nights away and cocktail nights but I'm constantly on edge . A friend is due her baby this week and another friend announced her pregnancy yesterday and I'm so afraid every time my phone buzzes in case it's another "happy" announcement.
I know this must sound self pitying and I don't want anyone to be in my position but every time I hear of someones good news it's like another kick to the stomach.
I'm struggling to do anything in work and I find myself avoiding leaving the house for fear of who I'll meet. I'm very aware that my head is not right but not sure what to do.
I spoke with a counsellor a few months back who said I just need to find ways of coping and I'll feel better again once I have my baby..... my mind just spirals when I think of this....when will I get my baby, what if its another year, what if it doesn't happen etc etc. Can anyone help with suggesting ways of coping or maybe an online counsellor that does online chat? I struggle to talk about things without bawling so phone, video, or face to face counselling would be tough..
I've tried meditation, positive thinking, mindfullness and joined support groups for infertility but nothing seems to help right now.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation @Bb30 firstly you're not alone, what you describe is how I feel and how many other people on these boards will feel as well.

Pregnancy and birth is extremely triggering for people going through infertility treatment. Avoidance tends to be my main coping strategy because I can't face these things at the moment, so like you I will avoid leaving the house, I also avoid the news and certain TV shows. I've cut down my social circle to a couple of friends who are not planning on having a child anytime soon. When I receive a message about a pregnancy or birth announcement, I will reply and be honest with the person that I am going through infertility treatment treatment that I would appreciate it if they didn't speak with me about pregnancy or birth because it is very upsetting for me.

It's very difficult to come up with a good suggestion on how to manage what you're experiencing. When we are in this situation we face uncertainty: will we ever get our baby for example. Interestingly one of my friends who has been having IVF while I have told me how upset she was and how she was feeling suicidal, two days later she gets her BFP and suddenly her world had started spinning in the right direction for once. Sadly for many of us we don't know when or even if will be that lucky.

I would say there are some positives that you should focus on at the moment, it sounds like the embryo has been the main issue as you've described MFI and trouble with the first cycle, this is likely why you haven't got pregnant to date. And IVF can help with that, it sounds like you had a very good result from the second cycle, the chance of a transfer working is one in three and therefore statistics are still on your side. As difficult as it is we just have to keep going and doing ongoing transfers in the hope that one will finally stick and we will get our baby. I'm just waiting to start my fourth transfer cycle at the moment.

@Gardenlady543 thanks so much for your reply and I'm sorry to hear you are feeling the same way. Its comforting to know I'm not the only one like this but its just so sad that it's the norm for a lot of people dealing with infertility and yet there is very little support from what I can see. Wishing you the best of luck for your next transfer x

Hi @Bb30 sorry to hear you’re going through this. As @Gardenlady543 said, you’re far from alone in feeling the way that you do. I don’t have much advice to offer but it does sound like perhaps the counselling you received wasn’t all that helpful but perhaps that might be worth exploring again, maybe with a different provider. Our clinic (NHS funded) offers counselling and I did find that speaking to someone helped, even though it brought stuff up and made me sad at the time. Try not to write it off because it makes you feel upset, having a good counsellor will definitely help in the long run.

So sorry you are going through this, I could have written this myself a few years ago. It’s such a painful and lonely journey. I’ve been trying for 8 years, it does get easier with time. I’ve seen a therapist which has helped enormously.

I made some lifestyle changes, changed jobs, looking after myself better, spending time with people who I love. Lots of shit stuff to deal with too, people asking nosey questions, unsolicited advice, miracle baby stories, people taking about their kids constantly etc. It’s very very hard but I found ways to cope and feel positive.

I think seeing a therapist will definitely help. And lean on the kind people in your life. Not everyone will empathise, but a few will. Most people mean well, even though they can seem insensitive. Sending you hugs. Xx

@bb30 you are definitely not alone in how you feel, so many people go through this but yet most of society can sometimes be a bit ignorant to it. My advice would be to be honest with those around you, tell them how you’re feeling and explain how they should approach things with you.

When I had a miscarriage earlier this year I emailed my team at work and explained what had happened and said that I know they are lovely people and will want to email me back but that when I return to work I don’t want to sit and read all of them as I will be trying my best to focus on work and not that. They were wonderful about it and respected the boundaries I had set. We need to become more comfortable setting boundaries and explaining to people what we need from them. So many people don’t feel comfortable talking about infertility if they don’t have first hand experience of it. Unfortunately it’s on us to help them understand and learn how to talk about it. When we conceived naturally (which was a massive shock) but then miscarried the number of people who said ‘well now you know it can happen keep trying’ like it would be that easy and I felt like they diminished our grief over that baby. After some conversations I hope they won’t ever make those mistakes again.

I feel your pain, you will find something that works for you. I found that deleting Facebook, limited my social media use in general (as it’s all targeted and all I saw was miscarriage/infertility/ivf) and I found that it dragged me down. I now make an effort with the friends that mean something to me and I don’t see all the negative things on there.

Controversial but I also limit the use of this site as I can find that it can quite quickly consume me with all of the talk and I need to remember that outside of infertility we are still us, we aren’t defined by that.

If all else fails, the quote from finding memo helps. Just keep swimming. You will eventually get to your happy place, just might take us longer than others.

Hi @Bb30 I would echo again you are not alone in your feelings. I have found that what helps me is to try bring it back to stats and back to what I can control. I have a list and I read it when I get panicky.

So in your case it could be

• I am 30 so there is a strong chance my embryos are good quality
• it can take up to 3 transfers to get pregnant and I have only done one transfer
• up to 50% of embryos can be genetically abnormal. If the embryo that didn’t implant was abnormal there is a good chance the next transfer will be genetically normal and implant.
• some research shows a frozen transfer has more success than fresh as with fresh your body is full of medications from stimulation
• there are plenty of things we can try if another transfer doesn’t work (ie lining check, check for steroids, progesterone check)
• I am young and have time
• I am doing the best I can

Another thing I have stopped doing is trying to ‘fix’ myself. Infertility is a medical condition. No one would tell someone with another illness to just do some mindfulness to fix the problem. I allow myself to feel what I feel and respond how I respond without pressure or judgement on myself. So if someone sends me a baby pic I just archive the chat and don’t reply if I don’t want to. Otherwise I will reply congrats then archive if I am up to it. I see who I want to see and I don’t attend baby showers etc. I don’t put myself under pressure any more. I am also not doing great at work but my new benchmark is do my best given my circumstances and that’s all I can do.

Personally I think what your counsellor said was actually dangerous. There is a higher incidence of PND among women who have babies via IvF and some of this has been attributed to them thinking everything should be perfect when baby is here and they should be happy etc when in reality it’s incredibly difficult even if you are delighted. You haven’t been able to have your family how you wanted and when you wanted and a baby doesn’t fix that either. It’s a incredibly tough time and you’re allowed to find it tough and should be able to get support and coping strategies from a counsellor not be told you’ll be grand with a baby. I don’t know who all these counsellors and what their qualifications are but lots of people seem to be getting odd support so if you find it useful I’d look into a new counsellor and preferably one who specialises in infertility.

Also don’t put pressure on yourself to organise baby free things and have to enjoy them etc. I find smaller things that give me gratitude help. So a nice coffee in bed reading a lighthearted book. Going for a walk. Having a lie in. Getting a takeaway and watching a movie. Just normal life.

Just sharing in case it helps as it is what works for me. I don’t find mindfulness or support groups any good either. And when I say works for me obviously I am also a total mess but I am coping!

Hey @Bb30

I feel you. Two days ago I got my bfn after a frozen transfer of a perfect 4AA embryo. This is the second failed FET, after last year's FET that ended in CP just a few days before Christmas.
The infertility journey is tough, unpredictable and transforming. It is ok to be sad, desperate and lonely. Many people around us don't know the struggle so they don't know how to help. In my case (but I am a loner) what helped me was taking some time for myself. I know it might sound odd but I only need a little support from others (my husband, my family and my doctor). I process the emotions better by being on my own.
I do little things like having a good coffee, strolling around the city, petting my cats and my dog, enjoying a good film on tv. At weekends I always go out with my husband for a nice walk and dinner.

When I feel sad and lost I cry, I allow myself to feel the pain and sorrow. I have learned all these years that pretending that everything is ok doesn't work so I just let it all out.
Everything you are going through is absolutely normal. It's no one' s fault and most certainly it is not your fault. You need to speak to your doctor and go through you file again to look for possible causes. Perhaps you should find a better therapist to help you cope with all these thoughts and feelings.
Don't lose hope! It is all we've got!🍀

Thanks all for your comments. I really appreciate it. I'm already feeling better knowing there are people out there who understand xx

I completely sympathise with the feeling of dread and being on edge 💐

I'm heading for my 3rd embryo transfer. We have 1 frozen, after that it would be back to the beginning with egg collection etc which I am terrified of.

Be kind to yourself. I try to limit my time on facebook and mumsnet. If I feel sad I have my cry and let it out. I find going out for a walk in nature at the weekend helps a bit.

It may not be a consolation but it's totally universal to feel terribly hard done by when other people are getting pregnant at the drop of a hat.