Baby envy

[Winecurestiredness]

Hi. I don't want to drip feed so I will start this by saying that I do have 2 children, both primary and junior school age. I lost two babies years ago, DD at 16 weeks and DS3 at 36 weeks. I am also infertile at a young age (29) due to blood cancer treatment, and there was sadly no time to preserve my eggs as I was very poorly. So no more babies for me.

I've seen a lot of 'loss and infertility' mums on Instagram post pictures of their rainbow/miracle newborns, all conceived naturally and thankfully healthy. And also quite a few mums in the school playground with bumps and newborns, I guess more than usual due to lockdown. I am very happy for these women, but at the same time it makes me feel depressed. I always wanted 4 children. I have only had 1 healthy baby as DS1 was very premature at 26 weeks, left me with MH issues that I still struggle with. But yes I know I am so so lucky to have a child that survived that, and another one to boot.

I just feel so much heaviness and sadness. I'm not even a 'baby' sort of person, really. I am just so so sad that the door is closed for me. I would just like to experience it one last time again, but I won't and I need to be at peace with this.

How do you all come to terms with this? Do you find that anything helps?

You've been through an awful lot, so it's no surprise you're dealing with so much sadness. Your losses are heartbreaking and having a premature baby must have been very worrying. Add in cancer and being robbed of your fertility so young, you must have a lot of hurt and painful experiences tied up with pregnancy and babies. Have you tried counselling?

I agree you should try counselling. There are 3 issues really - the loss of your 2 children, your DS being premature, and the cancer/inability to have more, although of course they overlap a bit. I wonder does your DS have developmental problems too, that might not be helping? Many born so premature do sadly.
I had cancer at a young age (and pre kids) and remember waiting for appointments getting really cross at all the women who came in with their DDs and young grandchildren in tow, which use to really upset me. But I was thankfully able to preserve my fertility and am currently expecting my second via IVF - I do remember those dark days of thinking the most important thing in life had been taken from me though.
There are other ways of having babies in your life - fostering for example - although of course, it's not the same. Or would you be able to get pregnant using donor eggs? It's not the same, and would be expensive, but is may offer a way of having another child, depending on your situation.
I do think you need counselling, and perhaps also to try and find a support group/new friends, in a similar position to yourself. Others won't understand, particularly those who haven't been able to have children at all, and may be quite insensitive. All the best.