All done

[sillysmiles]

Today's BFN after a FET signifies the end of our attempt to become parents. We would have been awesome parents. I'm sad that all those life events are not ahead of us-Christmas mornings, first steps, school days. Watching the people you've cared for become adults.

So, if not that, then what? Doting aunty? I've done that for nearly 30 years - my nieces and nephews are young adults now. Holidays. Sure yes, but that's still only 4 weeks of the year out of 52. Get a dog? Already have one (and a cat) and I love them, but it's not the same. Spend time with friends - would love to, but all and i mean all of my friends are parents of young child -so no such thing as nights out.

I'm sad and a little angry at having to completely reimagine my life and future and while i work, i don't want work to be the focus of my life.

There's no real point to my ramblings but hoping if there are others on here they could share their life after unsuccessful ivf treatments I'd appreciate hearing other people's stories. TIA.

I'm really sorry. That's really tough.

@sillysmiles that's so heartbreaking... I'm really sorry that fertility treatment didn't work out for you :(

I'm still towards the beginning of my journey but I know that Kelly Da Silva runs the Dovecote Childless Support Organisation and provides support in such situations. They're on most social media:
m.facebook.com/thedovecote.org
@kellydasilvafertilitysupport
etc

I hope you find peace and the support you need. Sending lots of love xx

@sillysmiles I'm so sorry. I haven't reached that stage yet but I was going to recommend the same as PP. Does your clinic offer counselling of you haven't tried this already (I know not everyone finds it helpful but might be worth talking through all of these emotions with a supportive third party). Give yourself time it is so much to go through and will feel like the loss of a future and it will take time to reimagine what that future could be. Sending lots of love and hugs xx

I feel like I could have written this post myself. I have no answers I'm afraid, I am in the process of finishing my final IVF round myself, but I just wanted you to know that I know exactly what you mean and how you feel.

It's so very unfair and unfortunately impossible to shield yourself from when you're finding it difficult - if you leave the house, speak to your friends or turn on the TV you'll see loads of children and babies, which all seem to be a reminder of how cruel the world feels, giving what feels like everyone else that gift but not you.

I haven't read it myself, but I've heard that Living The Life Unexpected by Jody Day is a very good book.

I've searched for similar threads before and read some very helpful things - the general consensus is that whilst the sadness of childlessness never goes away, it does greatly lessen, and most people who have been in this position say that with time you will be happy again and lead a full, happy life (as far away as that seems right now).

It's a form of grief, you need to mourn the life you wanted but have now lost.

I'd love to hear more from people who have been on this journey, and I think that knowing life will be ok even if IVF never works would be a really positive thing. However I don't think that threads like this usually get many responses in Infertility (I guess people stop hanging around here once their fertility journeys are over). Maybe the Chat board might get better responses? I do think it is likely to resonate with a lot of people.

Very sorry! The pain of not having a child is same as losing somebody.
It’s a very personal choice, but have you thought about adoption?

@hopevalley00 that’s an exceptionally insensitive thing to say. Of course she’s thought about adoption. Most infertile women spend years ruminating over their options whilst undergoing treatment.

Adopting is also extremely difficult and not everyone qualifies due to health and personal circumstances.

@hopevalley00 I'm sure you didn't mean it in a bad way at all but I'm sure almost every woman going through infertility has had that said to them at some point! 'Why don't you just adopt' etc. As PP said there are a lot of barriers to that too and again it's a long process with no guarantees. As you have rightly said it's not for everyone xx

@Porridgeislife, didn’t mean to be insensitive at all. I’ve myself thought about it sometimes, so just wanted to mention it... even if there was a slightest chance that it helps someone.
Apologies to OP!

@hopevalley00 apology accepted, however i did think this board would be safe from the - "just adopt" refrain.
In fact 2 of my niece/nephews are adopted. So I am familiar with the requirements. The process can take years. We have neither the time nor the resources to go down the adoption route.
As someone who has spent nearly 10 years trying to have a family we have considered our options.

My sibling tried for many years to have children. Also considered embryo donation, donor egg, adopting and decided they weren’t for her.
She mourned the loss of the family she had planned. It took a couple of years for her to truly move on.
Now she sees it as a positive. She has freedom to do the things she wants, she can rest when she’s tired and there are no demands on her, her and her dh have an amazing relationship and full fulfilling life.
She embraces children but is happy to hand them back ( would say relieved)
She really sees the benefits, and there are many benefits, to being child free.
She had to come to this mindset through a journey of grief, acceptance and then positivity which took time.

I'm approaching this situation now. Almost 43, done 3 rounds and had 2 failed transfers with PGS tested embryos. I'm fortunate that i could afford one more round, but in reality, why would it work when it's failed so far, even when the odds were supposed to be in my favour....

I don't know how i'm going to cope. I have a good job and salary that affords me to do things, but i don't enjoy my job, so it's unfulfilling. I pretty much live for holidays, but as you say, that only accounts for 4 weeks a year. I love spending time with my niece, but i know as she grows up, she'll be less interested in me and as my friends and family move onto grandchildren, i'll have none, so the cycle will continue. I'm also single, so no partner to carve out a new life with right now.

I'm grieving the life i expected, so i guess the only answer i can presume is that it will feel easier in time, but i think that's a long way off and as with grief, it never truly goes away. I hope you can find some peace and happiness somehow. I'd love to hear how others cope too.

I am very sorry, it's really difficult and it seems really hard to find the correct words and advice.

@sillysmiles and @IslandStars I'm so so sorry you're going through this. I could have written your posts myself last year, I had 5 failed rounds of egg donor ivf, not a hint of a BFP.
We were eventually advised to give up by the Drs and honestly, the grief was horrendous. At what we had lost (8 lives, as far as I was concerned, I'd had 8 embryos transferred and my body had failed to accept any of them). And at what my life would become without a baby.
We did look into adoption but decided it wasn't for us, and I was due to have counselling as I wasn't coping.
Then, unbelievably, I fell pregnant naturally. We had been given a 0.02% chance of conceiving so it was a complete miracle.
I'm not sure whether this might help and give you hope or not - if not, I'm sorry.

A couple of podcasts helped me at the time

The long road to baby - talks through different options of having a family, including remaining childless

Big Fat Negative - really good podcast about infertility but the most recent episode specifically deals with childlessness

Sending you lots of love. I truly do know how hard it is.

@islandstars similarly I'm 42, 2 rounds of fresh and 2 rounds of frozen, one positive pregnancy ending in a missed miscarriage.

For us, this has cost approx 20k and we've been through a lot emotionally.

@jemimafuddleduck thanks for the podcast recommendations.

@jemimafuddleduck Thanks for the recommendations, I just listened to Long Road to Baby, very interesting.

Glad you got your happy ending after so many horrendous losses and against all odds.