Help with decision of embryos

[pattaz21]

Hi there

I'm not sure if anyone is or has been in a similar position... so thought I'd start w thread,

But please if you don't have anything kind to say please do not comment!

Me and my ex partner have 3 embryos at the clinci. We split in April, we have to make a decision to umm how do I put this, have the embryos gone, he said he would leave his Consent for me to use them as I'm nearly 40 and prob won't have a chance again, but I feel really silly using them, I know there mine aswell, but it's like I'm oh I don't know how to word it!!

I've been discussing with a friend and she has said to me look at it as he is now basically your sperm doner and people are doing this all this time!

But I feel like a bit lost and think I'm doing this umm not out of spite but like people wil say I've trapped him maybe..

I've been reading and seen lots of people in the same situation, and then it's the thought of the embryo if it works not coming into a secure family..
But then a lot of people are doing that aswell..

I'm so confused and the clinic got a bit rude To me on the phone!

I just need someone to talk to and help xxx

Hi @pattaz21 what a difficult position to be in. It sounds like your ex is being flexible, which is great. I think you should take your time in coming to a decision. Now that the embryos have been created you don't have to use them straight away. I think you should keep them frozen, as you haven't come to a decision yet. That way you know they're there and you can use them should you wish to. If you decide to have them destroyed then they are gone, which could be really hard if you then change your mind.

Also don't worry about what other people think about the situation, this is about what you and your expartner want.

That sounds like a really tough place to be, hope you’re doing OK.

In a way, I feel that your decision partly depends on how you view your embryos, partly on how much desire you have to be a mother/ have a child, and partly on your relationship with your ex.

How do you see your embryos? Are they clumps of cells to you or human beings already waiting to enter the world? How would you feel about discarding or donating embryos?

How do you feel about solo parenting? (assuming you don’t have a new partner). How do you feel about parenting at 40? Financial considerations to bear in mind too.

I think it’s quite compassionate to give you consent to use the embryos. Would your ex co-parent, or be involved in the child/ children’s lives? How do you feel about potentially having an ongoing relationship with your ex, for life, if a transfer were to be successful?

HTH

I also agree with Gardenlady - please don’t worry about other people’s opinions on this. There are many situations where people have one night stands leading to pregnancy, or get pregnant within relationships and then break up - this really isn’t too different, in many ways.

Thank you for you comments these are definitely everything I have thought of, we went through so much with ivf it's stressful enough,
With miscarriage on the miscarriage we had to have 2 DNCs.. I feel I don't I will miss my chnce and regret it, but i don't want to feel I'm trapping him,

I don't want to waste my little embryos the are 5 and 6 day blastocyst so to me The pregnant..

It's so hard as if I was younger it would be completely different..

What Would anyone else do??

Bless you @pattaz21 you've been through so much to get to this point, I expect this is why your ex wants to give you the choice. I personally would transfer the embryos and let nature decide if it's meant to be. You split up between these embryos being created and a transfer, but you could have just as easily split up after a transfer had happened.

You keep mentioning trapping, but it doesn't sound like your ex sees it this way, they have told you it's up to you. Just because things didn't work out for you two as a couple it doesn't mean you wouldn't be great co-parents, if that's what your ex wants to do.

It's the age that the embryos were created that is the important factor rather than the age at transfer, so don't feel pressured into deciding right now. Would it be worth setting up a counselling session between you and your ex to talk about what you both would want if a transfer with an embryo is successful?

Hey there ! How're you doing

So, first off - ignore other people's opinions. They're not the ones who will live with the conséquences or your actions - you are. I say this as someone who chose to have children as a single parent, so I've lived it.

Now, about the "entrapment thing" - you should not think of it this way. You're not doing this behind your ex's back. He has given you permission, which is quite a decent thing to do. But there is no entrapment there

Now, back to your conundrum, here are the questions you need to ask yourself :

• First off - is having children very important to you ? Are you willing to do this solo or would you expect /need help from your ex ?

• Would you expect him to be a co-parent or to be involved with the child in any way ? Would you be able to deal with it if he originally agreed then changed his mind ?

• Would you expect/need financial help from him ? Would you be able to manage on your own ?

Regarding the stable family thing, I don't agree that a single parent family is by nature unstable. It can in fact be more stable than many two-parent families. My children (3 and 1.5) have grandparents, uncles, cousins, a godfather and godmother who love them. They are better off than many other children, in fact, and I do not believe they will regret having been born.

If you can deal with the practical aspects it all comes down to whether you want to, really. Single parenthood is wonderful in many ways but it's also relentless as you never get a break. Totally worth it though ! But you need to be ready for your life to change (I didn't realize how much and was in for a tough awakening. I still never regretted the decision for a second).

If you decide to go ahead I'd ask your ex about being open to meeting the child when they're adults (as is possible with open ID donors) and if they'd be willing to write a letter to the child, to be read when they're old enough. You also should be ready to explain to your child how they came to exist as all the studies show that full honesty brings better outcomes for the children.