Body image and self care issues post multiple failed IVFs - help

[Blankspace4]

I’ll keep this brief.

Infertility >8 years including surgeries and 3 failed IVFs. We have now decided to stop as I am almost 40.

I am 4 stone heavier than I was 5 years ago and so, so unhappy. I can’t seem to persist with exercise despite used to be a good runner and my diet is crap. I also drink too much. I despise my body but don’t know how to dig myself out of this hole. DH and I have no sex life as I don’t see myself as a sexual thing, just a failure.

@Blankspace4 I'm so sorry to hear this and it's completely understandable with what you are going through. Things won't change overnight and it's important although easier said than done to be kind to yourself in this process-what would you say to a friend going through the same? I think take things step by step, different things suit different people and finding what works for you is key, whether that's support through something like weight watchers, Noom, couch to 5K, classes at local leisure centres or parks now lockdown is easing. When the weather was better I would go for walks at a local park and listen to podcasts and I wouldn't notice the time as much. Most importantly don't beat yourself up if things don't go to plan. There are lots of online resources to help with drinking too much or your GP. Xx

Gosh @Blankspace4 you have been through so much. I'm not surprised that you're feeling as you describe. I can relate to a lot of what you say, I have been ttc for 2 years, a year of IVF and 3 unsuccessful transfers. Sex is not enjoyable, it is a way to try and produce a child. I don't do things I used to do like going to the gym (the pandemic didn't help and then with all the procedures I've had I've worried about going).

It sounds like you and your partner have made a decision to move on to the next phase of your life. I think you would likely benefit from some support with that, have you thought about counselling, maybe you've had some in the past, I think you'd benefit from a course now. I'm due to start seeing a clinical psychologist who has had IVF and deals with infertility trauma in October. Something like this might be helpful?

Thank you both. Yes, I think I would benefit from some therapy, challenge is fitting it in to the working day, plus I’m not sure I could stand another zoom call, I’d want to do it face to face and I’m unsure if therapists are offering that again now.

I just feel so worthless. I don’t feel suicidal exactly, but I do find myself taking risks or not looking after myself and feeling it doesn’t matter if I don’t live to be 70, 80 etc as I’ve no children and there will be no grandchildren.

@Blankspace4

Oh bless you, things sounds really tough for you right now. I'm so sorry that you feel like this. Most employers will provide time for appointments and some therapists work outside of working hours. So don't let that hold you back. I think getting the ball rolling is the first step. I thought about seeing a therapist for ages and it was when my only real life IVF friend got her positive that I finally set it up. I basically lost my main form of support in a instant because I can't deal with pregnant people in my life.

I really hope you can get some therapy set up soon.

I'm so sorry. I can relate to some of what you're saying. We have spent the last 5 years TTC #2. I've gained over 2 stone. We have no sex life.

Keep talking on here. I hope it helps 💐

Thanks again for the replies. I’m reticent to tell work I need to see a therapist. They don’t know about my infertility struggles as my last IVF failure was just before I started this job. But my failure to become a mother is impacting on my self worth so much. I was so, so hungover today after drinking alone on my sofa last night. It’s like I don’t care about my body. But deep down I know I need to start caring. It just seems there’s nothing long-term to live for.

@greendress789 I’m sorry you’re going through this too. Every time I see a family member or friend I haven’t seen for a while I feel doubly ashamed. Firstly because I’ve failed to have children, in a sea of pregnancies / babies / kids everywhere I look. And then my body. I feel like shouting - IVF ruined my body, ok??!!!! But I’m too private to do that

Sending you lots of love @Blankspace4

I would strongly recommend therapy - like you I was reluctant to have this over Zoom, but went for it as it was the only option. I fit it around my lunch breaks and/or early morning or evening and whilst my circumstances are different to yours, it has helped me in so many ways.

I would also recommend joining some of the amazing childfree communities on Instagram - @chasing.creation is a brilliant account about being childfree after infertility - she often has links to online talks and other accounts. There is actually a link to a free webinar this evening which looks good.

There are some great podcasts out there too like unRipe and We are Childfree. My personal fave is Elizabeth Day's How to Fail - it isn't about infertility but Elizabeth Day is childless after infertility and often talks about this. Her interview with Deborah Francis-White is great.

Hope things get better x