Recurring failure

[Brokensunflower]

Hello,

I'm 35, married, been trying for a baby 7 years. We both have issues. He has poor morphology. I have endometriosis and adenomyosis and oy one fallopian tube.

I've taken prostap injections and had fibroid removal surgery.

I have had an ectopic pregnancy, two failed ICSI, 2 failed FET. I bled on my first 3 rounds after 5 days. This time I took lubion and 2xcyclogest and managed not to bleed.

My body is a mess from all my surgery scars. I nearly died when I had a ruptured ectopic. My marriage has been rocky at times. I have barely a penny to my name in savings as it's all gone on IVF.

I have wanted a baby my whole life. Three actually. I always envisioned 2 biological children and 1 adopted. My husband agreed. We have a nice home and all the trappings of a good life but we are deeply unhappy. Our latest failure has left us like broken empty shells.

No one knows the answer to why ICSI never works for us.

I literally have no idea what to do next. I've just finished screaming and throwing things (we live in the middle of nowhere luckily so don't have neighbours). I am so tired, so worn and so broken.

My husband wants to stop any further treatment and start the adoption process. I want to adopt too but I want a biological child first. I physically ache, I mean I have neck ache, back ache and sore skin with the pain of thinking of never being pregnant, never giving birth or breastfeeding. I don't know how to carry on knowing that might not ever happen for me.

He's extremely supportive and would do more treatment if It meant that much to me but I don't know what I want. We are out if money, it's ruining us. I don't know if it's worth it when it's never worked so far. Do I start the adoption process and be happy and excited that I will have a child of my own at the end of it rather than throwing everything at a treatment that just isn't working for me? My AMH is 17. Waiting either way is not an option.

@Brokensunflower I'm so sorry for what you have gone through. It sounds like an agonising journey and I really wish I knew the answer.

It does sound like you need a break - even if it's just a short one. I know you say waiting isn't an option but I'm not sure you'd be able to proceed with adoption anyway while you still feel so raw about not carrying your own child.

You are 35 which, whilst not young in fertility terms, isn't at the serious end of age-related infertility yet (I'm 44 so I really am at that end).

If you are planning on doing more treatment, I would be asking whether you have always been at the same clinic and whether it is worth changing if you were to do more cycles? Have you seen a urologist for your DH? Have you considered donors? I know from personal experience what a tough concept that is but if it is possible to get to grips with it, it opens up a whole new world of options. You've probably done anything I could think of in terms of treatment so I won't endlessly suggest options.

Have you had any counselling either together or on your own? I recently have been seeing the counsellor from the clinic and even persuaded DP to come to one session with me. It has helped us to reflect and to have a space to talk freely.

You are amazingly strong to have come so far on this painful journey. Sending you lots of love. Xxx

I am so sorry to read this @Brokensunflower. I understand how you feel, I have a dc but have had many failed cycles trying to to give them a sibling.

Which clinic are you with?

And please keep posting here so we can support you.

Sending you lots of love this evening.

Thank you both. Yes we have always been at the same clinic but we changed consultant for our 4th cycle.

We haven't tried short protocol ICSI but have tried everything else

Would have considered egg donor but it's too much upheaval really and this late in our journey I can't start something like that.

The question really is whether we do a short ICSI before starting adoption. As you say though we would need to leave 6 months from treatment to application so that adds on another chunk of time too. Husband is 41 so I'm mindful of time in terms of age when he finally becomes a Dad.

@Brokensunflower I've had 4 failed IUIs, and 1 IVF cycle where I responded poorly despite normal AMH for age (31 at the time). We had 1 failed fresh transfer (which like you, I started bleeding 5 days after transfer) and a FET (with lubion) which ended in a chemical pregnancy. We've had to pay for everything so far as we're a same sex couple. We're doing 1 last IVF cycle and then taking a break. We'll be able to apply for NHS funding if this cycle doesn't work, which I'm tempted to do.

We've looked at adoption as well. In our area you need to leave 12 months between your last assisted fertility attempt and starting the application process.

Personally it sounds like you need a bit of a 'time out' even just to reconnect with each other, and feel better in yourself again. You can start your break period between treatment and adoption application, and take that time to remind yourself of the things you used to do and enjoy before fertility treatment took over. You can then see how you both feel - after a break you might want to try again with ICSI, or you might decide you do want to go ahead and explore adoption for instance.

I think the 'knowing when to stop' is probably one of the hardest, and most indiviudal decisions to make. Good luck whatever you choose.

I’m sorry to hear this , I’ve also felt like this and been on antidepressants due to so many losses and issues.
I went to argc and had success ( well baby not here yet but in second trimester), which clinics have You tried?

Btw your amh is really good, mine is only 3 , this is something to be hopeful about

@Brokensunflower when we had our DD, I was 41 and DP was 42. Obviously we would have preferred to be younger but it is what it is (and in some ways being older is good)! Don't worry about your DPs age - there is nothing you can do to make him younger - and things can't move forward, whether that's with adoption, further cycles or donors, until all your ducks are in a row - that will take the time it takes and I'm sure DH will be a great Dad whether he is 41 or 43. In the scheme of things, being a parent who is couple of years older or younger doesn't make much difference.

Best of luck with whatever you decide

Xxx

Listen to @Janefx40, she always knows the right thing to say ❤️

Have you had the era/Emma/Alice biopsies to test for when exactly to transfer, infection and good bacteria in the uterus? Mine showed up two issues I was unaware of (after having 4 failed transfers). After the fifth failed transfer I had a saline sonogram which showed I have a really big adhesion sticking the top left side of my uterus together. This hasn't been spotted despite having lots of tests, including laparoscopy and hysteroscopy over the past few years. I'll be having surgery to remove the adhesion before my next FET. My point is maybe ask your consultant if there are any more tests that could be done before another round. You still have time. Good luck.