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Embryo transfer today and husband being aggressive again

17 replies

Pingpongballs · 24/07/2021 22:27

Hi everyone, I went for my embryo transfer today. I wanted it to be as stress free as possible and shared this with my husband as he was coming with me. We agreed the time to leave the house to get the bus to the train station. He started being aggressive at me, fiddling about with repacking his bag with his kindle, his phone charger etc. We had about a minute before the bus came. It wasn't sunny but I wore sunglasses most of today to hide my tears. He then tried to pursuade me to take a different route to the clinic. We got there about 2 minutes before my appointment. He didn't mind waiting as he just read his kindle. I needed a full bladder so it was quite painful for me whilst waiting which was over an hour. After the transfer he didn't hug me or kiss me or any form of affection from husband to wife. It's like he's having withdrawal symptoms from alcohol, which he usually has with his work friend (in secret) as he's taken this week as leave. Now it's time for bed and he'd been aggressive again and stormed off downstairs to watch TV. How can I calm down tonight to get some sleep? I expect he'll sleep in the other room tonight.

OP posts:
Gardenlady543 · 25/07/2021 08:47

Hi @Pingpongballs how are you feeling this morning? I'm sorry you're having a hard time. It's quite difficult to see what's happening between you and your partner from your post, but it's very clear he's upsetting you. Has this been going on for a while?

Could you set up some counselling?
Clinics usually offer it for free during cycles and you should be able to do it as a couple.

You mentioned him withdrawing from alcohol, is he alcohol dependent? If so is he getting help for this?

Pingpongballs · 25/07/2021 16:09

Hi, thank you for asking. I'm feeling drained and upset. I didn't get much sleep last night.

He started snoring awfully last night and has gone to sleep this afternoon.

He has problems with alcohol which he will never admit and therefore would never seek help. It would be too much of a risk for me to suggest that to him.

I didn't realise how bad until I moved in with him, just before lockdown started. I sold my place, I left my job, I moved to his city. We were going to sell his place as well and find a place to live that was in-between both our workplaces. That didn't happen.

He has a work friend who is dependent on meeting up with him to drink. In lockdown they were doing this in the guy's garage, even when we were in tier 3. I think he's the source of when I was sick with covid symptoms.

The guy has a double detached garage that he practically lives in.

I think lockdown disrupted their routine.

He was finding a reason to go to this guy's place during lockdown every few days and coming back drunk.

His aggressivness is typically in the lead up to meeting with this guy and after coming back. It happens every 2-3 days.

The guy is not a particularly pleasant person. His wife is trying to divorce him. He hates women, resents his two teenage daughters. So, needs a drinking partner. He wanted my husband to move next door to him.

My husband promised me he wasn't drinking. Clearly he was and is in secret. Or not as secret as he thinks.

He really scared me again last night. I didn't know how he was going to be this morning.

His behaviour switches between being aggressive and the person I thought he was.

I don't feel supported by him at all during this time. He is not going to attend counseling. He is very careful to not let people hear how aggressive he is . He denied he drinks on the medical forms we filled out.

With the neighbours, if we're out in the garden, and he switches, he very quietly tells me to go inside so he can shout at me.

I'm trying to rest today.

OP posts:
Gardenlady543 · 25/07/2021 16:35

Gosh @Pingpongballs there are so many red flags here. I suspect you know that though. I don't know what to suggest except for advising you to seek some counselling to help you work through this and see if you and the counsellor can find solutions.

It might be helpful for you to post in the relationship section on here because the people on there are likely to be more experienced in this stuff.

I really hope you're ok Thanks

Pingpongballs · 25/07/2021 17:30

Thank you. I feel so sad about how he treated me on the day of our embryo transfer. We got to that final stage. I'm worried he's destroyed our chances by his behaviour yesterday. I don't know what to do except try and rest today.

The relationship section as you suggest might help me with that side. I do realise his behaviour isn't acceptable. I don't know how to handle aggression.

In lockdown I was just staying outside for hours even in freezing weather and in the storms. I was so scared to go back.

OP posts:
Gardenlady543 · 25/07/2021 17:48

@Pingpongballs gosh that's awful, please speak to a professional about this for advice. This sounds so unhealthy.

Re: stress and transfers, I really don't think it matters, I don't think anyone feels stress free at the time of a transfer, and they still work.

Roo45 · 25/07/2021 18:23

@Pingpongballs I agree with @Gardenlady543 there's no real evidence stress impacts a transfer, but is this really someone you want to be raising a child with? Do you feel safe? Would you feel safe in pregnancy if the transfer was successful? I really hope you are ok and your partner/both of you are able to potentially work through these issues but I would also suggest professional help and support xx

Pingpongballs · 10/08/2021 21:27

Thank you both for replying to me. I've been thinking about what you've said. He's just started shouting at me whilst we were on the upstairs hallway then carried on shouting and swearing at me, as he went downstairs, then he stood at the bottom of the stairs shouting and swearing up at me. I asked him to stop swearing. He said I'm sorry if I offended you (he knows that's a falsely worded non-apology) but it's your fault entirely every time. I don't think shouting and swearing is okay in any way. He does this routine of shouting at me upstairs and carrying on whilst going downstairs, then to watch tv, before I go to bed, too often. He did it on embryo transfer night. I feel so hurt by him. All over again. He's far too aggressive alternating with a few days of calm. I know I can't handle that anymore.

OP posts:
IslandStars · 10/08/2021 21:46

@Pingpongballs I think you need to start planning a life away from your Husband. I don’t think you ever really know someone until you live with them and you’ve discovered that his drinking and aggression is much worse than you thought. Either he gets help and counselling, or you should leave. Sorry to sound blunt, but aggression / domestic abuse often gets worse during pregnancy, so you need to protect yourself and any baby.

You haven’t mentioned your transfer result, I presume you’ve had it by now? The fact you’re having to focus on and deal with his appalling behaviour, rather than your pregnancy or next steps says a lot. Please take care and seek any help / professional advice you need.

IslandStars · 10/08/2021 21:46

@Pingpongballs I think you need to start planning a life away from your Husband. I don’t think you ever really know someone until you live with them and you’ve discovered that his drinking and aggression is much worse than you thought. Either he gets help and counselling, or you should leave. Sorry to sound blunt, but aggression / domestic abuse often gets worse during pregnancy, so you need to protect yourself and any baby.

You haven’t mentioned your transfer result, I presume you’ve had it by now? The fact you’re having to focus on and deal with his appalling behaviour, rather than your pregnancy or next steps says a lot. Please take care and seek any help / professional advice you need.

Pingpongballs · 10/08/2021 22:03

I know I need to think about leaving. I keep being fooled by how different he is when he's in his calm phase and think I'm happy with him at that time. He really scared me tonight. I know how bad he'll be from now and probably until Monday. His change in behaviour begins just before he's due to meet with his drinking work friend - he got in touch with him tonight as he showed me a text he sent him - a photo of something he's brought for him. I think the anticipation gives him the confidence to treat me badly as his friend will obviously side with him and encourage him - he had complaints against him for shouting and swearing at work.

Is shouting and swearing normal? He says it is amongst all his friends.

OP posts:
Gardenlady543 · 10/08/2021 22:07

@Pingpongballs aggression dispersed with a few days of calm, is not ok. His behaviour is awful and nobody deserves to put up with it. I hope you are ok, please speak to someone who can help you:

Refuge - National Domestic Abuse Helpline
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/
0808 2000 247

Women’s Aid
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/
https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/ (open 10am-4pm weekdays and 10am-12pm weekends)
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Thinking of you Thanks

Roo45 · 10/08/2021 22:51

@Pingpongballs it isn't normal. There are so many red flags. Abusers (emotional/physical/domestic) will make you feel that their behaviour towards you is reasonable when it really isn't. PP mentioned the transfer, do you know the outcome now? This relationship sounds unhealthy and bordering on unsafe reading your recent posts if I'm honest, is there anyone/anywhere you can get help/support?xx

Roo45 · 10/08/2021 22:56

Sorry I didn't see @Gardenlady543 post when I posted, there is also the bright sky app. Xx

Pingpongballs · 10/08/2021 23:06

I haven't dared to test yet. I don't feel safe when I'm scared which is when he's shouting and swearing and being aggressive. I do when he's calm. We have no neighbours who would overhear. I know nobody here as I sold my place, just before lockdown and moved to where he was living. We sold his place and bought a house. Then lockdown started. I thought it was a beginning of a life with him. I'm really feeling alone and isolated. He says his friends say they frequently argue, shout, swear at their wifes. He blames me. He says he has to shout and swear. I don't shout and swear at him. I guess I try the helplines as suggested.

OP posts:
Porridgeislife · 11/08/2021 06:22

He says his friends say they frequently argue, shout, swear at their wifes. He blames me. He says he has to shout and swear. I don't shout and swear at him. I guess I try the helplines as suggested.

That’s either untrue or he has some truly horrible friends. Healthy, normal relationships don’t involve one party swearing or shouting at the other.

OP I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this on top of IVF but like the other ladies have said, please get yourself some help. His behaviour is not that of a nice man & I can’t help but think he’s going to be awful about the result no matter what the outcome.

MGee123 · 11/08/2021 07:11

I am so sorry. As others have said, this is not normal and is a form of domestic violence. It sounds like he has a horrible group of people around him who only condone/encourage his behaviour which doesn't bode well either. It will likely only escalate.

Please seek help/advice and consider leaving this relationship as soon as possible for your own safety, regardless of the outcome of your cycle. The helplines already posted can provide advice and support. It is worth being aware that domestic violence commonly worsens/escalates during pregnancy. You must have someone in real life you can confide in, even if they don't live locally? Friends or family elsewhere in the country? Try to speak with someone about it if you can.

PerseverancePays · 11/08/2021 07:38

Alcoholics only think about themselves. When he’s being nice it’s only to benefit himself. There is nothing you can do to change his behaviour and he has no intention of changing. Sorry to be so blunt. There’s no need for you to be in such an awful relationship. See a solicitor and get some advice so you know where you stand and get out now.
If you are pregnant, congratulations. Please don’t tell him, no child needs to be damaged by an alcoholic parent.

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