Using IVF embryos as a single parent- after separation/ divorce

[Catfinkz]

Hi all,

This is a bit of a niche question, but thought I’d give it a go as I’m getting stressed about what the best thing to do is...

It’s looking like me and my partner will be breaking up, but we have embryos in storage, which I’d still very much like to use. It’s possible my partner may be open to me using the embryos as a single Mum (I don’t think he’d be interested in co-parenting) but it seems like even if he agrees, enacting this will be harder that I thought.

I was hoping that there was a form we could both sign, or a contract that could be written up where he gave up his parental rights, but having checked with the HFEA and a fertility lawyer, they both say that it’s a bit of a grey area and fatherhood cannot be signed away this easily.

Surprisingly the lawyer also said in reality it’s very much up to the discretion of the clinic whether I could use them as a single woman.

She said that there’s a possibility that if my partner could be considered just a sperm donor (by being added as to the national donor register) he wouldn’t have to sign the consent forms for future embryo transfers. I get the feeling this was a theoretical plan though rather than something that happens all the time and my question is…..has anyone been in a similar situation where a clinic has allowed them to do this?

I’m not filled with confidence that they’d allow this, but I don’t want to raise alarm bells by checking with them just yet.

Thanks v. much,

R

n.b. I'm ok with him being the legal father (I wouldn’t ask him for any financial support) my main issue is that I don’t want to be reliant on him signing the consent forms once we’ve broken up.

Sorry I can’t help particularly, but I think trying to find a legal way of giving up parental rights is going to be difficult. If your ex agrees for you to use the embryos, your best bet is to ask your clinic to send all consent forms so that your partner can sign them in one go, rather than for each transfer etc if you need more than one transfer. Perhaps a covering letter from your partner giving his authorisation will be handy too.

Although the situation sounds complicated, there must be other couples who have gone through this and seems wrong to waste embryos. I think they’ll be a way around this, but unfortunately probably not without admin for both of you.

Thanks for taking the time to answer @IslandStars - I appreciate it.

That's a good idea to put something in writing- even if it's not legally binding, it shows 'intent' I guess. Unfortunately the forms are electronic, so they go out via email every time (about a week before a transfer). Like you say though, hopefully there'll be a way round this...I just need to figure out what it is!

@Catfinkz You’re welcome, hope you get something sorted. My clinic do online consent forms too, but I have seen them produce paper forms when needed, so you could always ask them under the circumstances to get them all in one go to cover each embryo that you have in storage. Just some ideas, hopefully clinic will have some answers to deal with this.

Could he agree for you to use the embryos (might have to be one at a time) and then once baby is born not be put on the birth certificate??

[quote IslandStars]@Catfinkz You’re welcome, hope you get something sorted. My clinic do online consent forms too, but I have seen them produce paper forms when needed, so you could always ask them under the circumstances to get them all in one go to cover each embryo that you have in storage. Just some ideas, hopefully clinic will have some answers to deal with this.[/quote]
Interesting....I'll look in to the paper forms, thanks.

I looked in to this - not because my marriage was on the rocks or anything but more so that I was informed should the worst happen down the line

Basically to transfer them you would need his consent. He'd have to sign the FET form just like any "normal" transfer and he'd likely get a phone call from the embryologist to confirm on the phone too (that's how my clinic worked anyway). It doesn't matter if you are actually together or not - how are the clinic going to know? So long as they have his written consent then the transfer goes ahead

You wouldn't be able to transfer them without his consent

You are only able to transfer them if he dies or is diagnosed as medically incompetent and only if he ticked those boxes on his version of the form that gets completed before each egg collection

If you are still married when the baby is born he is legally classed as the father. Doesn't matter if he is named on the birth certificate or not

If he doesn't give his consent then there is absolutely nothing you can do

Thanks @Zest11. Yes I think I would probably not include him on the birth certificate, and if he was happy to keep signing the consent forms that would be a good option (if I cold hold my nerve).

How would you explain that to the child in the future - not naming him on the certificate?

Emotionally you are also putting yourself in a very vulnerable position in that he basically holds all the power when it comes to the embryos and you could end up giving in to any/all of his demands in the separation so that you don't fall out to such an extent he refuses consent

Thanks @ ivfgottwins, yes I’m sure you’re right.

I can believe that each clinic would have different approaches on this because it is such a grey area. I remember that at our last FET in March we had to sign the consent forms before the appointment and then, because my clinic still weren't allowing partners to attend appointments, they had me call him on a WhatsApp video call to get his 'face to face' consent as well. They explained that they had to do this because of a legal case in England where the divorced mother forged her ex's consent and then had a successful pregnancy - cue a lot of suing going on! I know this isn't the same as your situation but just wanted to say that if your clinic is anything like mine then they'll want 'face to face' consent as well as written consent each time.

Thanks @BambiOnIce80, yes I'd read about that case and assumed that's why they do the electronic forms now. The more I think about it, the more I think they wouldn't go for the 'donor' thing for that reason- that if it's a grey area and there's even a chance of being sued, they'd be playing it safe.

I think I was hanging on to this option as it would allow the cleanest break, but both lawyers I spoke to said in theory it was possible, but it hasn't been proved yet, so realistically I need to plan on the basis that it's unlkely.

It's really helpful to have everyone's thoughts though, as it helps untangle the possibilities in my head.

Is your relationship definitely on the way out? You wouldn't be the first woman who has stayed in a relationship because they wanted children? Sometimes I don't think I would have fought so hard for my marriage if I wasn't desperate to have a family and have perhaps forgiven more than I would have done 20 years ago?

Do you have any children already with him?

Yes I think you might be right @ivfgottwins- that's kind of where I'm moving to now in my head.

It's definitely over- just co-existing now really, though atm he's not pushing for a separation (think he doesn't want to be on his own). Maybe if I'm creative, we could stay 'together' but make sure I do enough stuff on my own to stay sane- hopefully more possible now everything's getting back to normal.